I feel like that second twilight book where Bella is too depressed to write so the chapters just read, November, December, and so on. Pretty much because I think I was depressed and now I am just disappointed. I keep thinking back on this time last year and how happy I was. I was so full of laughter because I love to joke. I felt special going spur of the moment midnight trips to watch an eclipse or making pie at 3AM. My life is very far from those events now and as I start a new chapter I am a little sad still today. I always was the one who believed in love that it would come for everyone. I don't think I believe in it anymore.
People are sick they have problems and society has expectations. Those things can trump love at a the drop of a dime. It's not about forever anymore and I fought hard yet the favor was not returned. There are seconds where I let myself float to a different place where I think maybe just maybe this was a stepping stone and there is someone out there for me. But, the truth is I think love is bullshit in my reality. I am sure someone will come along to screw me over and then Tom will come back do something worse then he did the last time......a broken record on repeat.
Yeah I don't want to hear anyone say your life is what you make of it. You know why because I am working at making the other portions of my life perfect. But this part from my past it haunts me and I had to stop trying to fix it. I must have done something terrible in my past life. I don't want to write about happy stories because I am not happy and this is my outlet. What I would really love to do is run Tom over with a bus. That could be fun. I want him to hurt the way that I do. I want him to feel my pain.
It's really annoying because he never has to pay any consequences for his actions. I think I might need a Buddha statue at my house to bring me better luck. I think I need to make offerings to the Saints that manage my love life to make it better. I think I need to run away to the moon and take a xanax. Everything is so random right now.....I still feel like I am just existing. Something has got to give soon or I am going to scream bloody murder.
I know why people medicate themselves because who wants to deal with feelings? This really sucks! Back and fourth up and down. I am done with it already. I need to be swept off my feet. I need someone to call me with great news. I need to have a fucking epiphany already. My life is like a Fiona apple song, sad and pathetic. I can't live out another ten years like this where is my fairy god mother when I need her. If I can't have everything I want at least kick Tom out of my dreams at night.
