The Last Unicorn......

I want to actually dedicate this blog:
To the men out there who have had a woman who loves them, the real them and would fight for them.  Don't let her slip through your fingers because one day she may find the strength to walk out the door.
To the women out there who loved these men that let them go and were able to walk away I wish I knew I had your strength.

I want to save my relationship with all my heart and soul.  I really do.....well what is left of it.  I am not sure how much can be salvaged since it is currently a fragment of what it used to be.  What's strange is I am no stranger to this place of heartache.  I have been here a couple of times before.  Why?  Because when he lets me love him and loves me back it is beautiful.  Maybe I am a masochist or something.  Either way this relationship limbo that I am currently living in is like pure hell. 

But something has changed this time.  I am feeling broken down and I am tired.  I have been fighting for us and believing in us for over five years.  My heart is starting to give out and one by one the cells in my body are shutting down.  I don't really think I can do this anymore.  This back and fourth from joy to sorrow.  This months of agonizing about what is wrong with me over what is wrong with him.  This time I wanted to know what his problem was....according to the internet it's clearly bipolar depression.  There are women all over the country with stories just like mine, in fact they are identical.  The roller coaster never ends for them unless they get the medical help they need.  I don't know that I really believe that will ever happen.

I'm going back and fourth in my mind over the pros and cons of everything everyday.  I am so sick of crying and something has got to give.  Part of me says it's time to throw in the towel to walk out the door for the last time and not to look back.  But God only knows how bad that will hurt and I don't know if I am strong enough to do it.  Then the other part of me says that love conquers all.  That I should not take any action, all the pieces in the puzzle will fall together very soon.  I cannot just give up hope.  I can't abandon the cause I have championed for so long now.  If I only knew which path was the right one to take.  If I could only see which tomorrow would be the most beautiful.

The Biggest Wish

As I sit here alone yet one more thanksgiving eve.  Another one where we are having irreconcilable differences I feel very bland and sad.  Today I felt very alone all afternoon.  I want answers but not a single person on earth can give them to me right now.  The empty feeling drove me to go to confession.  I thought perhaps if I am absolved of my sins I will feel better.  While I was there the priest said to me in regards to my relationship that we are dishonest when we feel that we are not safe.  A woman who is with a man for five years who leaves her ever six months must feel like she is very much in danger.  So she must first remember she is not alone because God is always with her and loving her.  Then she must fight for what she wants and she must make that very clear to the man because only then with change come and will life move forward.  A man's Faith is what allows him to make the leap.  If that Faith is in no one but himself he will remain in the same spot for all eternity.  Then he asked me what is it that I want?

I never really think about what I want.  It is always about what can I do to make our relationship better.  It's about what I can do to make him happy and to keep him from running.  But there are things that I want from him.  First and foremost I want him to stop running and fighting our live.  I want him to be able to see me and love me so hard that it frees him.  Then I would like to be married in a beautiful church.  Promising God that we will love each other through all of life's trials. I would also like to have children together.  A family of our very own to raise together.  To give all of the love that we can possibly can to them and watch them grow up.  For us to be together in love always.

So those are the things I need to ask him for and I need to pray to God to give me strength to request.  If our love is meant to be then it will.  But what I want this forever it's not coming easy.  That means I need to believe in something and have Faith as well.  I can't keep falling or I will never be on my feet long enough to catch my dreams.

Life is Dysfunction Naturally Love Follows Suit

This isn't going to make a whole lot of sense I am sure.  I haven't been able to eat for a few days thanks to the flu.  My brain feels like it is going to explode.  Oh and where is my one true love?  No where to be found.  Much too busy tending to things that important men who have no life do.  While here I lay suffering in agony.  I know I have messed up my relationship here and there.  I know in general I can be a fuck up but I just want to say GET OVER IT!!!!

Yeah get off your high fucking horse and get over it.  We are human beings and we screw up.  Matter of fact you have screwed up on several occasions.  What did I do?  Well I cried about it and then because I love you I released that shit to the abyss.  I didn't have a damn attack about it that was never ending and bring it up ALL the time.

Here is the deal I know we love each other.  We are the most selfish people in the world and the fact that we even would buy the other a soda is something.  No one else out there will ever put up with our shit.  Don't be afraid of the dysfunction because that is who were are as human beings.  We are the type that messes up A LOT.  But love is stronger then all that shit and it is what matters.  What matters is we are a team.  We are a family and fuck I don't want to lose that.  I want to blow up shit with you.  I miss you.

Those are all the things I really want to say to him, but I don't.  It's because I am afraid.  I don't know from one day to the next if I am going to lose him forever.  It's always different from him and I am scared to take the risk that I will never feel his love again.  I really pray I am saved from this dysfunctional existence and we can move on together. But until then I have to pass out again.....I'm too sick to deal with any of this.

Limbo or Purgatory.....It Doesn't Matter It Still Feels Like Hell to Me.

Webster's dictionary describes limbo as a region or condition of oblivion or neglect.  It uses the example, "Tom left Sally's position in limbo for months before making a decision."  Suddenly I realized my heart was in limbo and it has been for two months now.  Every day I wake up and I read or hear about someone else and the realm of happiness that they are living in.  For a while I have thought I must have done something very terrible to be in this relationship purgatory, struggling each day, waiting for God to forgive me, to grant me entrance into heaven and all it's glory.  But as I sat around trying to figure out all the things that I did wrong and how to make them right it dawned on me that maybe I was not being punished by God.  I was being held captive in limbo by the man I loved with all my heart. 

Currently I live my life very similar to the way a bird does that has had its wings clipped.  They are long enough so I can flutter about for a bit but they are cut so I cannot fly away.  He will give me months, weeks, or moments of happiness.  Enough to perk me up and not realize I am in a trap.  Then just as quickly as he swept me off my feet he smashes me down like a bug.  Most people would have escaped this limbo which feels so much more like hell on Earth by now.  But I have not.  I sit stagnate unable to move and I am often having difficultly breathing.  I am filled with so many feelings.  The ones that electrify me intensify the love I have for this man. The feelings of warmth are then followed by feelings of anger and frustration.

One day he thinks I am the most beautiful woman in world and the next he does not want to acknowledge that I exist.  I am left so confused I cannot decide if I should run or not.  Well let me be honest I don't want to run because I am a fool for loving him so much.  I just settle on the fact that happiness and heaven will never come to me.  That this is my life and there is no escaping it.  So every night I get on my knees and I pray to God.  I beseech him that he please answer my prayers and release the love I know we have from this limbo.  To let us be happy, to give me a reason to brag, and smile.  But each day that I continue to suffer I feel like I have to fight harder to have faith.  I just don't know how much longer I can wait for a miracle.  So if there is a God and he has heard my prayers I very humbly ask him to please come to my aid, to our aid.  If love is true should he not guide it in the right direction after all?

The Narcissist and The Story Teller a Love Story?

Before I can begin this little story which today will not be a real "story" but the truth on my actual reality I think I need to give a little explanation of what the narcissist and the story teller really are....

First the Narcissist (His Illness)
Narcissists do not feel good about themselves so they need a perfect person to bring them to a higher level. They're terribly insecure and they cover it up with these grandiose fantasies. These are relationships that break up before marriage because the narcissistic one is afraid of making a commitment because the grass may be greener somewhere else. This is the person who comes on really strong, and then once you warm up they become all cool and critical and they have this unrealistic idea of how perfect someone has to be for them. They're so consumed with themselves that they're not loving anyone else.  They will pick apart every flaw and never let their partner forget that this imperfection is the reason the relationship will not move on to the next level.  When choosing a serious partner typically it can be based on beauty or wealth.  They will expect their partners to bend over backward while they contribute minimally to the relationship.  Often there is a pattern of breaking up and making up. In addition in most cases issues of an addictive personality in combination with narcissism are present. However if treated with therapy there can be resolve. Along with the support and understanding of a strong an loving partner.  It will take team work but can be conquered.

Next the Story Teller (Pseudologia Fantastica, My Illness)
A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit.  Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions.  Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small.  For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right.  Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary.  For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship. But with help the person can be healed. The first thing to do when dealing with a pathological liar is to confront them. Since you are threatening their fantasies, they would try to argue with you or act defensive. Do not expect them to agree with what you are saying immediately. Also, do not accuse them of something. Rather, be sensitive and understanding. Tell them that it is alright to be ordinary or less exciting rather than faking just to impress others. Tell them that you will love them even if they do not have anything thrilling to tell or lead an ordinary life. Since you are dealing with a personality disorder here, if things do not improve or change, you can take help from a psychiatrist. Therapy and your love can do wonders for your partner.

Okay enough of the psychology lesson but in order to tell a true story there has to be a little light shed on the dysfunction lingering in the background.  My relationship has never been completely perfect.  While there are many moments filled with so much happiness and laughter there are others where it's hit "rock bottom."  He has described it as a roller coaster which may be a fitting example. This is a love affair that happened by accident.  It was never planned out or wished for at all.  For years there was always some strange and unexplainable attraction but nothing that we ever jumped in on full force.  Then one day we were both at a point in life where we were self destructive and one night fate united us.  Lovers that is what we were and nothing more....nor did either of us want more.  But, life had other plans and with in a few months I discovered I was pregnant.  It was the scariest moment of my life at the time and nothing that I wanted. I had to tell him and the reaction was not positive, immediately I went into survival mode.  I became the story teller full force.  I would not let this man hurt me or our child.  But, the chaos of death surrounded and engulfed us, anxiety set in.  

So we came together.  We decided to do what was best for this little family that we were starting.  But, I don't think either of us was really committed to that idea.  He was more committed to his drinking and pulling me in.  Although, this was one of the few times I can remember him reflecting on how he felt as if he could love me.  I was still in defense mode, even while I was falling for him, I kept secrets.  I lied about doctors appointments, I didn't want him there 100%.  Yet, at the same time I was falling in love with him.  It was the most complicated feeling I have ever encountered.  More challenges were soon presented as he was arrested and I lost the baby.  That's when the real challenges began.  He wanted to conquer his vices and I well I was so afraid and desperate, the lying had already been done.  Thanks to that he began to doubt me.  He didn't believe he was ever going to have a son.

Yes that is a lot of negativity....but it wasn't all bad.  Whether you rewind or fast forward there are a couple things that have always been constant.  The amount of passion between us.  No matter how self loving he is or how desperate I get with my stories.  Every touch is like a magnetic force that makes you feel like you are melting. We can't get enough of each other and that part of us, the intimate part is beautiful.  There is no other way to describe it.  We care for each other so much that we would do just about anything to make sure the other is safe and taken care of.  I would do anything for him and he would do anything for me.  This element did not happen over night.  It has come over time.  It's taken everything in us, in our sicknesses to be able to be at that level with one another. But, it's there and I don't think it will ever go away.

We feel like home to each other.  A safe place, one where we can laugh and be ourselves.  One where we are happy just being in each others company.  A place where we can cry and not be judged.  You might all be thinking well what's the problem?  Why aren't you two so in love and married?  Because we have problems because he is a narcissist and I am a story teller.  No matter what he will find my faults, he will look at the negative, he will say it's too much for him, that he cannot deal with it.  I in turn will go into story teller mode not being honest with him or myself.  I don't want to think there are problems.  I just want us to carry on.  But, that is not fixing anything.  His solution is to run and mine is to hide in my fantasies.  But, the difference between him and I is I never leave him alone when he is down.  I carry him up, I take on his problems, because my illness allows me to love while his does not.

Now we are at a cross roads where neither of us can handle these illnesses anymore. I am tired of having to be the storyteller.  I am finally really making the changes.  I may have lied and said time and time again that I would stop being a storyteller, but this time it's different.  I started a treatment program for myself, for the people I hurt, for us. The hurt I have cause both him and others that has become apparent over the last two weeks is profound and today at church I cried.  How could I hurt someone that I care for so much?  He on the other hand his ideas of how things need to be handled are much different.  While he may have conquered addiction I don't know if he will ever conquer that attraction to his own reflection.  To seek treatment I don't think he believes in it. If he pushes me away he doesn't have to deal with any of the problems.  He's a narcissist, the grass is always greener on the other side. Now I sit alone when I need him the most he is absent. I think to myself, while our beginnings weren't perfect, we are not perfect.  God continues to bring us back together.  I don't think this is our ending, I feel like it's the opportunity for us to have a new beginning.  We have helped each other through so much and this is the final challenge. I see all of that finally out of honesty, a place that is both scary and foreign for me. Now if only there were an easy way to get the narcissist to open his eyes too.  For him to see that now is the time that we can really make a change and help one another so we can have a better tomorrow by holding each other's hand.  What I live may be complicated, biology may have made it so, but it's real and that is no fantasy.

The Depths of Despair

Rock bottom....they say everyone has to hit it once and a while.  Except for me I feel like once and a while is more like once every year.  Just a couple of weeks ago I felt like I was on top of the world.  I had money to buy the things I wanted.  I had time to spend with friends.  My heart was filled with love and excitement.  I began to rediscover myself, ready to change, ready to be a new and better person.  But, in a matter of 24 hours all of that changed. 

I suddenly was cast over in a cloud of darkness.  I had reached the gates to the depths of despair.  A long day of worked ended in rejection as my employer cast me off.  I had to put on my costume again and become a monkey dancing for peanuts.  I got home and thought everything will be fine because something better will come along.  It's just money and at least I still have a heart filled with love.  I committed to myself that I would get through it.  That as long as I had inner happiness nothing could bring me down.

I was mistaken.....as the next day started and I woke from my slumber I felt unsettled.  Something was wrong I could sense it.  I wasn't going to let it get to me.  I decided to contact my heart to bring a little cheer in life. But he was distant so I chalked it up as a bad day.  I went on to conquer a more simply task, but sometimes even the most simple things can be complicated.  I was so overwhelmed I needed him and when I sought comfort I did not receive a warm welcome.

Abandonment had come....I easily recognized the feeling as it consumed my soul.  It's something  I have felt countless numbers of times.  It had originated as a feeling I was exposed to by my very own family.  The people that you love the most, when things get hard or complicated.....they don't always want to deal with it or stick around.  There he was silent, unaffected by my sorrows, not looking at me.  He was preparing to abandon me.  I was officially in the depths of despair.  The change I was finally ready to create had come too late.  Nothing mattered to him, I didn't matter to him.  Suddenly the one thing that I thought I had in all the darkness that was bright it disappeared.

I feel like there is no point in anything I do.  It doesn't matter how hard I work.  I doesn't matter how much I love.  Some how happiness can only stay with me for short periods of time.  I wish I was a simple girl, with a simple life.  One with no complications and no vice.  But, I am not and so it is.  I am destined to be nothing, not worth being loved, abandoned.  I am not even good enough to be on the receiving end of a hug. 

Ya Gotta Faith

I live in a town where people wear their "faith" on their clothing like a bright red scarlet letter.  Where everyone belongs to a church and loves Jesus.  A place where the more Christian you are the more important you are in the cast system.  But, I think they've got it all wrong.  Faith isn't something bright and shinny.  It's not something that is virginal and white as a dove.  Faith is the absence of light.  Faith is absolute darkness.  Faith is going into a place where the sun doesn't shine because it is extinct.  Faith is the belief in something that no matter how scary the venture, how blind you maybe, you are not afraid to walk through it. 

Faith doesn't necessarily have to be about your belief in God.  Faith is about the way you approach life.  Your belief that everything, even those things that seem impossible, will turn out for the best.  Faith is believing in yourself.  Knowing that you are a beautiful and ever evolving human being; you are capable of anything.  Faith is taking a vice in your life, waking up one day, making the decision that you have had enough of it, and finally deciding to make a change.  The reason you can make the most complicated transition in life from the person you are now to the person that you are becoming is faith.

Faith is picking yourself up when you at rock bottom and knowing that things are going to get better.  It's when you let the tears out because you know the crying, it won't last forever.  Faith is when you see beauty in mishaps of life, accepting the past, and moving forward.  It's looking at your dog and understanding their unconditional love is there with out them verbally expressing it.  Faith is believing in love, the risks you take to find yourself in it's bliss, even when it seems as if hope is lost.  When you find perfections in another persons imperfections no matter how terrible they may be that is faith.  Faith is knowing deep inside there is a special reason a particular lovers kiss tastes so good.

I'm not an expert on faith and I am not a guru.  For a very long time I didn't have any faith in anything.  I was sure my life was doomed to be nothing but existing on Earth until the day would come that I died.  But, suddenly in the recent past I found myself thinking that I no longer wanted to believe that nothing would ever come to me.  I wanted to live in reality and not in a fantasy.  I decided that maybe there isn't a logical answer for everything and sometimes you have to just put on your blind fold to evolve.  So here I am at the edge of one chapter moving into the next. I am exited for the future, believing in myself, the ones I love, and the promise of the universe.  I am accepting the risks because I have Faith.