Day 19 (SOS This Boat is Sinking)

I got a text today.....the last line I don't want any contact from you.  Tom always has to have the last word. At 11:00pm in the middle of a blizzard my life gets crushed by one little sentence in one stupid text.  Tom is a coward to this very moment I don't know what happened.  I don't know how he changed over night.  Tom's one parasite (recovering alcoholic) meet two new parasite friends (gambling addict and emotional abuser).  Together they grew into one super parasite.  While all that was going on I sat here playing the role of the fool.  So many empty promises that I looked so forward to are shattered.

This pestilence is affecting my entire life and my health.  I am so thin that my eyes look sunken into my face.  My brain feels like it is bleeding from all the headaches.  There is only so much one person can take before it all falls apart.  What I have been going through the past two months I can only describe with one word and that is evil.  One person should never make another person feel the way I do with no disregard.  Especially a person who only days before they cared so much about.

Tom had no reason to stir up my emotions tonight, except maybe he had a bad day.  Perhaps he lost at cards or he decided to take a drink.  Either way he who has been on a sabbatical wanted to make sure he dug his knife in deep tonight.  Everyone can say it, I'm an idiot.  They all told me so that he would just relapse into his old terrible self.  I hate that I believe in love and that everything happens for a reason.  Because if I didn't I would have never forgiven him, I would have kept on with my life.  Living it 150% for me. 
I wish I could say that Tom is dead to me.  Right now I want to take every single gift I have ever given him away and burn it right before his eyes.  But I also want to pray for him, why does he have to be sick?  I'm even stupid to think what if he can turn into the man I deserve later?  But that is what love does to us it blinds us.  I'm not codependent I just believe in what my heart tells me to do and maybe I need to listen to my head more often.  I just really need to pull it together and fuck I may even need to get on some xanax.  Better yet take a vacation.

Day 18 (life isn't always what you dreamed)

I have been neglecting my blog....it's been a combo of school starting and just being crazy; as well as a moderate depression.  I have just been going back and fourth crying about how in the world my love life turned out to be so ass backwards.  First of all thinking back I was never that girl who wanted someone average.  Ever since I can remember I bragged about how some day I would end up like one of those ladies on real housewives....just living the dream.  I have for the majority of my life been attractive and smart.  I have always drawn the attentions of men.  But why Tom?   Why is he the one who has enslaved my heart?
Tom is neither rich nor is he brave.  He is not the smartest man he is just average.  His looks are not striking in fact his body is much older then he is.  Although at times he showers me with beautiful gifts he is not romantic.  He is nothing that I ever dreamed of, but yet I love him?  I often times lately find myself looking in the mirror for imperfections.  Trying to figure out what is wrong with me and what this man sees when he looks at me.  Tom makes it sound like when he sees me I resemble a monster.
I am sure anyone reading this would say what would I want with such an asshole.  This is a man who emotionally abuses you and you can do better.  Well I have asked myself those very same questions.  It's not like I am in love with his splendors because he is just ordinary....his bank account is not extravagant.  I gave up love letters in French for someone who's idea of fine literature is written by Hugh Hefner.  I wish I had the answers to all of it but I don't.  But,  I guess I am being a little one sided because there are two sides to Tom.  The side that I am so in love with, head over heels is the one that just loves me.  The real me.  The one with no make up, the one who is childish, the one who is hidden from the public eye.  I wish he could be around all the time, but he is not. 
I guess I am a little foolish because I believe that Tom is going to win the battle against his demons.  That then I will win and even though I won't have a million dollar house or drive a Bentley I will be able to just relax and stop acting. Life is so unfair that my dreams and reality are quite the opposite. I am tired of feeling so damaged and I am exhausted from waiting for the good times to start with out interruption. Tom just needs to snap out of it.  For now I am blaming him because I just feel like I can't let go.  Why on Earth did God give me such a man....he should have just left me with the thinker.

Day 17 (theory of the Douche)

I've been thinking a lot the past couple days.  Not just reflecting on the crazy that is Tom and I, but on all men I have been involved with.  About all the men my girlfriends have been with and there is one common bond between them all.  At some point the inner douche has to come out.  Now there are many levels to the douche bag that hibernates inside all men.  It can range from baby douche to ultra douche.   But no matter what they all carry it deep down inside and the douche just fights them to be released.

I typically date in the range of the intermediate to ultra douche.  Let's examine these two specimens for some further understanding.  A while ago I dated a guy named Ken...who like his name sake the Ken doll was pretty dreamy.  He was fun, upbeat, and a major intellectual.  I had a lot of good times with Ken.  I thought this guy probably a baby douche inside....WRONG!  My douche radar was totally off.  Because you see at this point in Ken's life he figured out he was a living Ken doll and his douche was able to feed.  It had grown into intermediate douche with a side of conceded.  He knew he was cute and his douche used it to his advantage.  This fabulous Ken doll was a ladies man!  I couldn't believe it, totally took me by surprise.  In return my inner bitch was released on a scale of ten.  Rule number one for douche bags....jealously always releases a mega bitch.  Lesson if it looks like a douche it's probably a douche.  On the positive I think that ken's douche was sent to douche reform school so it's more of a toddler now.

Tom is my example number two.  He is an easy call for anyone who reads my blog.  An ultra douche on steroids.  But lets us really think what brings out such an ultra piece of shit?  Insecurities make it grow big and strong.  Tom unlike Ken is not the guy you look at and say break me off a piece of that.  He is not particularly good with the ladies or in the bedroom.  So his ego has to compensate some how and that is by being an ultra douche bag.  He has to cut you down and make you feel stupid in order for him to feel more secure.  Which is the worst when it comes to douche bags....the only solution would really be to inject him with pure MD MA.  This type of douche just really needs to learn to love themselves.

So as you can see douche bags come in all shapes and sizes.  You just have to learn how to react to them and always keep your radar on.  Because even that nice guy could be a baby douche....like he might forget your birthday three years in a row.  But, you must learn the douche feeds on reaction so always remain calm.  If you can't beware of what is to be released and what can grow.  Plus you don't want to let your bitch out because a whole new set of chaos will be let loose.

Day 16 (after all tomorrow is another day)

First I want to say who does Tom think he is?  I'm not good enough yet again....well guess what buddy you aren't bringing a whole lot to the table.  What happened to dating I guy that I had fun with?  You know the kind that took me dancing till my feet hurt and gave me a reason to dress up?  I guess I lost sight of all that being consumed by Tom's parasite.  Well guess what he can have his break.  He'll be back begging and I made sure to let him know every single demand I had.  I will not be second choice.

Where does that leave me?  Doing me, letting life revolve around me, not answering to him for a while that is for sure.  I am going to work my ass off in school just like I have been.  So I can provide myself with the kind of life I deserve.  I don't need Tom to take care of me and I never did.  I am going to travel from coast to coast literally and visit all my friends I have missed so much.  I am going to the gym and working on my body.  I am going to do a pageant again so I can remind my self of my outside beauty.

I am done taking care of his needs over mine.  I am not the one who is sick he is.  We can't help those who can't help themselves.  If a poker game is more important to him then me so be it.  Because I am worth every single headache.  I am more then he could ever dream of in a mate.  Someday I am going to be happy and in love with or with out him.  I have lots going for me he was right about that.  Everything I have coming is because I willed it there, because I believed in me.  Does my heart hurt over what is going on?  Yes it does tremendously, I wish our ending would finally be a happy one, but I won't think about that today, I'll think about it tomorrow because after all tomorrow is another day!

Day 15 (emotional suicide)

The worst thing that I have allowed to happen was to let my heart open up to a man who is sick.  Not once or twice but many, oh so many times.  I am the fool for believing that someone who can not function like a normal human being was capable of change.  I closed him off for so long yet I broke those walls down again in so little of time.  I guess blind folds go back on easily.
All I wanted to was to be the happiest of girls and I was but the time was so short lived I think I have all ready forgotten what it was like.  Just more sparkles in my jewelry box. I wish it was so easy for me to repent my love for you.  To act as if it only existed in far away dreams.  In lands of make believe and unicorns.  My eyes instead are swollen for the floods once again have come as they always do.
Yet I know that as soon as I let go he will return again.  Some how the timing is always just right to sabotage all I have worked so hard to accomplish.  All because I want to believe in love and all it's beauty.  Of all the power it has, so much that I will keep killing my soul over and over again.  If you do love me and I know you do....how very sick of a man you are.  Do you not realize what you are doing?  Feeding me poison so that I die in pain and suffering.  Instead you kiss me goodnight.

Day 14 (Just cause my kid has four legs doesn't make her not important)

Today I am dedicating my blog to my pup.  My little frenchie the only thing in this world that is 120% mine.  People often discredit my mothering skills because I don't have human kids.  But in reality I do a lot more for Frenchie then most people do for their five year old.  Which brings me to what happened in the last twenty four hours. 
Frenchie must have got into something because she got sick....the runs kind of sick all over my carpet.  I didn't stress too much.  The carpet can be cleaned no problem I have a long weekend.  But I was worried about Frenchie she never gets sick like this.  I wake up this morning and I go into work, even though I don't want to leave her.  I figure I will check on her in a couple hours at lunch.
As soon as I go into work I place a request for the afternoon off so I can take care of Frenchie if I need to.  I get home and she looks so upset.  I know her tummy still hurts and the pooping hasn't stopped.  So I go back to work and I talk to my boss. I explain to him I need to care for my child Frenchie and I need my vacation request to be granted.  Then I find out later while I am at home that my other two managers were discussing how our dogs are not a reason to take last minute person time.
Well to them I say piss off!  One of them takes of the second his sixteen year old daughter has a cold to take care of her.  The other one just comes in sick to piss and moun.  I don't see or hear anyone saying that almost adult child isn't important.  I guess my point is my dog is my child and sometimes she gets sick too.  She is no less important and I am sorry I have chosen not to add to the over population for the time being.  It's not up to them to decide what constitutes as a loved on and what doesn't.  Plus Frenchie is better then their stupid kids, she never talks back and always eats everything on her plate.

Day 13 (I'd Like To Punch You)

I have had a pretty annoying day.  Between the cold, a broken nail, the dog getting diarrhea, and Tom being a dick I'm spent.  The most annoying thing to me is the lack of common courtesy on Tom's part.  You see Tom once upon a time when he was amazing purchased me a spot bot carpet cleaning machine.  Today when I got home to literally all the shit I thought hey I can handle this, I'll go to the store and get it cleaned up after I buy the soap. 
Oh but as usual life had other plans for me.  The spot bot stopped working properly and I have a big mess.  So I think hmm I'll text Tom and see if I can use his?  Ahh my phone is taking a dump now, wonderful.  I think well I can do this the old fashioned way.  I'll make a phone call, no answer, but hey I didn't get the button.  I try again later and leave a message still nothing.  In the meantime my poor little frenchie is still feeling sick.  I'm afraid she is dehydrating, so I decided to go to the drug store to buy her some pedialite. 
Lately I don't trust Tom as far as I can throw him and since I am on this roller coaster that I haven't completely gotten off yet I decided to take the scenic route to the drug store.  When I take the back way which is sort of a short cut I pass Tom's.  I notice that his lights are on.  So I am almost positive him and the parasite were not on the town.  I start feeling a little annoyed.  Did he not listen to my voicemail?  So seeing that my phone is totally jacked for whatever reason  I proceeded to send an email request of what it was I was looking for.  I am completely furious at this point.
Tom says I act crazy and I love drama.....well this is the kind of stuff that drives me insane.  Not because Tom is playing games more that I think it is rude.  Rude to be ignored when I just need a yes or no answer for a situation I am dealing with.  Rude because I have done so much for him.  Any little thing that he has ever needed from me I have tried to help with.  When he was sad I let him cry on my shoulder.  When he was scared I listened and when he was hungry I gave him something to eat.
Now I sit here and stir.  He may have been out or he may lie and say he was out.  Whatever the case I don't care.  I am just sick and tired of being disrespected.  The email will be there and if he can't even respond to that in 24 hours then I know where we stand.  It is all about him business as usual. It will be time for me to have my voice heard.  I know what I want and I know what I am worth.  I will not have Tom trample all over me like some overgrown elephant.  I am sick of the games and the emotional abuse.  I am a person in this relationship and I need to stick up for me.  Tom will not treat me like some two cent whore he picked up at a poker game.   He fucked it up the first time, I'll take the blame for the second time, now it's down to the final pitch....I'm going to call it on three strikes and we are out.