So I realize it is the first really warm day we have had in a while....but it is so gloomy outside. It is making me feel sad on the inside. I am just going over and over in my head all the disappointments I have had in the last few years. Someone told me I am going through a phase where I feel like a victim and if I keep doing that nothing is going to turn around. But, you know what I can't help it. I mean really what does it feel like to be happy all the time? I really don't know because I have never had that experience.
I need sunshine back in my life right now and affections. The rain is getting to me and it's not good. I hate when I retreat to my hole and don't want to come out. I start to over analyze everything and produce nothing. If I want change I have to bring it out myself.....yet the energy is not there. It was funny because I was reading some emails I wrote around September. I don't know that person right now. They were so happy and upbeat. I seemed so hopeful and I believed I found some of the answers to life's mysteries. Now I don't know because I am such a paranoid freak.
I wish I could be back in those happy times where I wasn't breaking out over stress, dreading going to work, and not sleeping alone. Maybe I am being punished for something except I thought that I already finished my penance. I have got to get out of this funk, I need a plan.....my brain is just way to cloudy to make one right now. There are just so many unresolved issues right now in so many different areas. I have this huge homework project that is life and I am procrastinating. Maybe I am just afraid.
