The Reindeer Games Are Over...There's a New Sheriff In Town

Offing Polly Pure would be like offing the wicked witch of the East.....period.  Some people would compare the nuisance that some people create in the lives of others as a pestilence.  Those people that fly around you, their opinions worthless like the life of a fly.  Their brains smaller than as snail, not able to form a single thought.  You think that you got them with your fly swatter but you were wrong.  Just as you felt you could finally sit down and enjoy that sweet quart of berries they come buzzing around again.

I don't actually know this plague in the flesh but yet it rots my soul.  Years ago there was a simple way to rid myself of such a pain in the ass and well that was simply by beating it's ass.  Which don't get me wrong if it weren't for maturity and the law I would love to have the opportunity. But, alas a more diplomatic way must be found.  So my solution to go ahead and dead the bitch.  In my house and in my world this stench of all that is disgustingly fake about the world does not exist.  It's as extinct as the doe doe bird.

I don't wish to have a disease in my world that I cannot fairly fight.  Some how the fake smelly ones are the ones that people feel pity on.  It's pretty much because they are good at playing the victim.  So I will banish it with modern medicine.  Away from my sterilized world.  I'm done with the reindeer games and if this plague should try to come back into my house I will inject the mother fucker with penicillin.  That way I can watch it shriveling up and disappear into the nothingness of darkness.

Requiem for a Dream

There is a force on this Earth more powerful than any storm and can only be undone by meeting death.  That is love.  It's powerful because at the same time it can lift you up while making you feel the most powerful anxiety.  But yet you crave it and you keep going back or more.  I thought that I would feel love but I never thought that I would be consumed by love.  I never thought that love would be something illogical and that I would never seek a way out when things got too hot.

Love is sneaky and it will catch up to you when you least expect it to.  It can make think without clarity and fill you with madness.  Some of us like Tom will fight that feeling of being out of control and walking into the dark.  Some of us, the romantic ones like myself embrace it.  It's like the sweetest aroma that you have ever encountered and you keep getting closer and closer.  You are playing a very dangerous game.

But if you are like me once you are diseased you don't care about the risk.  You just have to have more and more.  Love will be yours because you believe in it.  Just remember everything is good in moderation at first.  If you have a partner in fight or flight let them go but follow like a slow dance.  Nothing will stop love, nothing will stop your dreams from happening if you believe. So go ahead, what's the worst that could happen, you stop listening to your dreams?

There's Always Risk in the Game of Chance....

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.

Love can be one of the most confusing feelings we will ever experiance in life.  This is especially true when you fall in love with a complicated person.  One who's mind is only clear for short periods of time and can never decide if his love for you is the real thing.  If life were a fairytale this confusion would be cleared up with a magic spell and little birds would surround you as an embrace happens and you kiss.  I dream about that a lot.  I dream that a magic wand has come in my possession and I have magically answered every question in his head and he is finally able to make a final decision to just jump in with both feet.  He never looks back or thinks about the what if's because he has finally surrendered himself to love.  

Over the past five and a half years I have experianced moments of great joy and devestation with him.  I have experianced rebirth and loss.  We have laughed and we have cried.  We have been apart and we have been together.  Even though he broke my heart time and time again.  Each time he came back riding on his white horse to rescue me.....I fell deeper in love with him.  The world thinks we are crazy and no one wants to listen anymore.  We, him and I, exist in our own alternate reality and no one really understands.  He is often lost and cannot decide which direction he wants to take. He doesn't want anyone's help even though his mind is cloudy.  I stand watching praying each day for an answer for his mind to be completely open.  

My heart has a special place for him and at times I even question why?  Maybe it is because I once had a part of him growing with in me and when it was gone he was all I had left.  I can always hear his voice or remember his smell just by closing my eyes.  But the question has finally come up where I am asking myself....is love going to be enough?  I am at a place in life where just existing together isn't fofilling my soul.  I want to be more secure in what we are.....I am ready to be a wife.  I am ready to wake up together every single day and take care of one another.  I am ready to be a mother, to watch our children grow, and to celebrate them.  The romantic in me thinks maybe it's finally time and it's really going to happen for us.  But the reality is I am more unsure then ever.

He says that I know what I want because the truth is that I do.  I would give up essentially anything for life long happiness.  But, he is still unsure.....the boy may not be ready to be a man.  He says he cares for me more then he has cared for any other human being.  But, he still just can't give up his old life for me.  He wants to be sure, he wants to give me a 110%.  I guess knowing that he is really considering that maybe I am the one should make me happy and reassure me of his love. He sounds honest and genuine for almost everything he is trying to communicate. But, then that evil side has to say hello.....what if he takes another girl out, what if I am not what he wants?  What will I do?  Most people will say he is a man and trying to find reasons not to commit.  But they aren't living my life and that is one of the scariest things I have ever heard from a man who has never betrayed me in that way.  My gut says it's all nonsense but my street smarts say watch your back.

Now he says I have a decision to make to stay or to leave.  It would be an easy one to make if I had a crystal ball to tell me what was going to happen.  I have a mambo who tells me to always listen to the voice inside because that is my spirit guides telling me what to do.  The speech could have been a message from God who wants me to learn what it is to have Faith.  To have Faith that he wouldn't allow me to hurt again and that everything will work out.  That my fairytale will come true.  So now the question is do I take a risk on love with the world's biggest risk taker?  Is life really a gamble?

Slow Like Honey

 

Even the most bitter taste can be sweetened; all you need to do is add a little honey.   It's any easy fix and something that is given to us by a tiny creature who we get the privilege of sharing our existence with each day.  Life can make even the most even tempered person bitter.  Allowing them to wake up each day sulking about their imperfections of the soul, the heart, and the pocket book.  One would think that just as they would make their tea taste better that they would apply the same concept to life.  But, some times it takes longer for a person to realize the problems that are the biggest are those which have the simplest resolve.

I miss the train a lot on the ones that don't require much thinking.  That would explain why I have spent so much time over the last five years feeling sorry for myself and my situation in life.  What makes the whole thing even more ridiculous is that fact that I love honey.  Actually it's so much stronger and crazier....I am obsessed with honey!  Every event, every person that we encounter on our path to life's goal of being filled with love isn't going to taste like a perfect vanilla bean cupcake.  The majority of them are going to taste like a sour patch kid that you grabbed from the bottom of the bag because you weren't paying attention when you selected it.  

The moment you realize that every thing in life changes.  The world becomes a brighter and more vivid place to live.  Each day of your existence becomes more beautiful then the next. You feel like you could just reach out and with each grab at the air your fist is filled with teeny, tiny, magical, baby birds.  When you climb the stairs it's like walking on music notes.  There is no feeling that brings us closer to life consuming love then when everything becomes sweetened, as if were drenched in honey.

The secret to finally realizing what real love feels like isn't really that spectacular.  Yet it is impossible to ignore.  The things that used to keep you from really embracing love, the bitter things, are no longer there because you cannot taste them.  Everything around you looks as if is pulsing before your eyes....it's a little crazy but you don't care.  You want to dance circles on the uneven floor in it's center.  The sun is shining warm on your skin and the stars sparkle.  It's your life, you've prepainted the path with honey, it's sweet and smells of spring.  Love is in your heart and no one can take what is inside of you.

Back To The Start

I would normally post some witty picture at the start of this story but I am not feeling witty at all.  I feel defeated, I feel vulnerable, and I feel weak.  Just when I thought life was on the road to wonderful something awful has to happen to put me into a time machine that takes me back to a time of suck.  I'm not going to even touch on the stresses of life I am dealing with that are normal family, school, or work.  It's a whole separate area of my life that is fucked.

I have told myself over and over again that I am strong and that after everything I have been through I wouldn't shed a tear over this situation again.  But, because like he says I must have been lying as usual because today I let it get to me.  I cried.....for several hours.  It's frustrating when there is someone in your life who you have loved so much that it hurt; because they don't really love themselves.  I know deep inside I didn't do anything wrong today.  I know that I have been nothing but friendly and lent an ear to listen.  Tom can't stand the peace and he always has to do something to wreak it.

I thought if something like this happened it was going to be over something huge.  I was wrong, it only took a single sentence, that was it.  I feel like complete shit now.  I didn't ever want to revisit all that stuff that got left behind.  I liked my friend Tom, he makes me laugh, that was what I was missing.  Then little by little and inch by inch the doors of communication started to open again.  I guess I didn't really know where it was going.  I felt like I was driving, taking the road I wanted.  Taking things head on one day at a time.  Was I expecting some great romance to happen with some dramatic ending?  Tom isn't romantic so no.  I was expecting that we had both grown into adults and valued things about each other.  It wasn't clear just how we were supposed to fit into each others lives.

But after today I think I have realized that maybe I am not that girl who is ever going to get anything easy.  Perhaps it's not in the cards for me to live in a house with a white picket fence or go to kids dance recitals. The bridal showers they won't ever be mine.  Because I love the ones who are broken.  If it's not Tom's dysfunction I am dealing with well it's just someone else.  I am the worlds most stupid woman for having a soft spot for him but I can't help it.  We have been to hell and back together....I will always love him.  That is why it breaks my heart to hear him share the things he does and them know he can crush me at any second.  It doesn't matter if we are lovers or friends.  If I am the target that day watch out.  Maybe he had a bad day or maybe he is running from life.  I don't really know because I am not him and honestly I am not trying to judge him at all.

What I am really doing is just taking a look at my life and thinking about why this is what I have been dealt?  There is only one thing, a single thing that I want.  It's to be happy, most of the time.  Everyday doesn't need to be sunshine and flowers.  It's time for all the shit to end.  It's just every time that I get it excited that it does I am right back where I started all over again.

Who Wants This?

I'm not really having a whole lot of complete thoughts right now.  But there is one thing that comes to mind in particular if I try to think for ten seconds.  Most people don't have close to perfect relationships and the ones that do seem like life must be very boring for them.  Sure it's true everyone has their "ideal."  That fictional character  that will never happen because: A). Prince Charming is a cartoon he isn't fucking real. B). You are out of your league so stop trying to mess up the order of the jungle. So when you sit and realize none of that shit is ever going to happen you realize well that fucking sucks.

Never fear my friends because reality will bring you someone, but it sure as hell isn't going to be a fairytale.  That's right Disney is a cooperation founded in lies and making us feel bad about ourselves.  Now back to the point of my story.  The person you fall in love with and will really get to you is that one that you just want to choke out sometimes.  It's the one that you would let you molest you in the chimp room at the zoo because there is no one else around.  Plus lets face it anything that involves a monkey will get you back to your animal roots and desires.  Don't judge it till you experience it.

The thing is we are selfish and we always want more then what we have.  We always want life to be a little bit better even if we understand life is typically screwed up in one way or another.  What a waste of time and sick days.  Sometimes it has to be realized that our paths are not supposed to be that fancy.  The freaks of the world deserve each other.  If they didn't then who would breed comedians and reality stars?  Eventually we all get cellulite and our pant sizes grow.  Shit happens, the past has to be set free, and you just have to live it out.

Once you realize all of this and can be the penguin who works hard all day gathering rocks; not the one who steals them and wins the nest contest by cheating.  Life gets so much easier and stress disappears. You really stop giving a fuck about what everyone else thinks.  All you do is laugh and pee your pants.  If you don't want to brush your teeth and lay in bed for two days it's totally cool because you have this dorky partner in crime.  Yes that's what life's about being yourself with someone who can be themselves with you and together the two become one big explosion misunderstood and so happy.

Love Doesn't Come In a Tiffany's Box

This past weekend someone commented to me that I might as well admit I was in my past relationship because of all the gifts I would receive.  She said that she knew I was the kind of girl that could marry for money.  The girl said she envied my ability to look out for no one but myself.  I found myself quite offended by her comments and I didn't respond to her at all.  I just smiled and walked away from her after all she didn't know me very well.  These were assumptions and everyone has them; it's just not often that they vocalize what they are thinking. 

The truth is that money had absolutely nothing to do with my relationship with Tom not even in a tiny way.  Like anyone woman naturally I did love getting gifts from Tiffany's, Coach, and Pandora.  However, even if the gifts were not coming it would not have changed the way that I felt.  Tom did not buy my affections in order to win me over.  I am not sure what other people assume but he is not a wealthy man by any means.  He is just average, he has an average job, with an average home, drives an average car, and makes an average salary.  Tom did not come from wealth at all; as a matter of fact he was as far from the spectrum of privileged as a person could be.  Everything he has he had to work for and even if some of that came from his winnings at the card table no one just gave him anything.

I did not set my eyes on him and think now that is my ticket to easy living.  I am sure that is what many people have imagined including relatives.  Now every family thinks their own is a prize to be won but lets be serious when it comes to economics he and I are not very different.  There is nothing so different about his bank account verses any other middle class college graduate.  I was not dreaming of grandeur at all nor was I living some extravagant lifestyle by being with him.  Gifts were a way to say I'm sorry or I care.....but we had no children I am sure things would be very different if we had other people we were responsible for because there would be more expenses.

I know it is hard to believe but I was with Tom because I loved him.  I was not with him because I was being a gold digger.  I loved that we shared the same sense of humor, that I could be myself with him, and that he was so much like me.  I was with him because he made me happy and most importantly he made me laugh.  It had nothing to do with anything else.  Honestly, I would have traded every single gift he ever gave me in exchange for the problems never settling in and destroying everything.  I am sure I would have fell in love with him even if he was a popper.  If he would have lost everything it wouldn't have mattered to me. 

I'm a romantic and in my life as much as security is important; it's not a priority.  I choose to be with the person who I look at at think I want to be with them every single day.  Not thank God he can buy me a Mercedes and take me to Paris.  Money may make the world go round but passion is what makes a relationship last.  To all the doubters my love was honest and it was true.  If it wasn't those things I would have never done some of the things I did....I simply would have moved on to my next victim.  But, I didn't because the emotions I felt were so profound I even have a hard time explaining them and they never could have been described by a little teal box because they had no price tag.