I am sitting here on the couch and over and over in my head liar liar pants of fire is on repeat. I keep rewinding to recent events. Tom's bestie says; "he left you because you lied and he finally had proof." Tom saying, "She is perfect at everything she is just a liar." I am completely dumb founded not because I am being called a liar but because of the situations Tom created that made me turn into that! Here he was yet again trying to play the role of the one who got hurt.
Tom wants everyone to believe that he gave me so many chances and that I betrayed him because I wasn't truthful. How could have been? I was so scared of the judgemental bullshit that would come out of his mouth if he knew the truth half the time. Because that is what Tom does when he is deep in his own dark place.....he picks at me and pushes me until I snap. Then he is no longer the one with the problems, I am. I think how much of superficial can one person be filled with?
Tom wanted to tell me this story about how great his life is going. He gets to spend all his time gambling, doesn't sleep for days, and has to eat whole tomatoes for dinner because there is no food in his house. Sounds like he is doing great! I wish he could listen to himself he is beyond sick. Here I am still thinking about what a shitty person I am, because I lied. I really am some kind of masochist. Tom wants to take me out for dinner soon.....which means he is ready to make me happy again so he can crush it as soon as I am at my highest point.
People are I am sure convinced we are both crazy because that is really the truth. I think I am the one who is the most insane because I can actually reflect on what is going on over and over again. Yet I choose to invite it in over and over again. Yes Tom is good deep down inside but his demons run deeper. Every time I turn to exit one more thing comes up.....now we will be working next door to each other five days a week. My office seems to have a suicide wish out for me. People who have a belief in God say that he puts people into our lives for a reason, that all this must mean something.
Miracles can happen but they have never happened to me. So I just don't see how this could all turn into a fairy tale. If it did I would have some strong believers and a couple witches telling me I told you so. Tom would say I willed it so it happened that way. I want to believe because I don't want to loose faith in love it's the only thing I have ever believed in. Then I think what happens if I did will such a thing...Tom as Prince Charming? It's gonna take one really powerful fairy god mother for that one. Because really realizing your faults and the implications of your actions is a hard thing to swallow; trust me I know.
