Skinny Fat Girl....It's Not Pretty

  

I am not kidding that this time last year my body looked a lot like the above photo.  I was smoking hot!  I looked good in just about anything that was two pieces.  I was always putting on little outfits and doing little numbers for Tom.  There was no denying it; his girlfriend was a sexy bitch.  Pretty much every part of me was tone and defined.  I was proud to be the hottest housewife on the block.

Fast forward to present day

I didn't gain any weight really....I mean give or take two or three pounds when I have my period.  But I have this mini pooch and my legs have cellulite.  Why did I let this happen?   The depressing part is it started because I was depressed.  I was upset over my break up and I didn't want to do anything.  I didn't care about working out because the way I seen it I wasn't putting on any pounds and no one was going to see me naked.  After the depression lifted I was a much lazier person and with the onset of a new job with a unique schedule I just didn't give the gym a thought. 

Then this past week I started looking in the mirror a little more and I realized the havoc I reeked on my body!  It was terrible and it was disgusting.  I knew I had to make a change but that is easier said then done.  It's cold outside, my work schedule is weird, and I feel bad neglecting the dog.  All probably excuses and I need to find something to get me out of this lazy slump.  I think and wonder how did I do it before....I worked full time, school, Tom, cooking, cleaning two houses, sex, working out, and me time.  It's like I was wonder woman.  Something has got to give and I am going to find the magic potion because I hate not liking what I see in the mirror.

Even Charlotte Had To Be Bitter....But It Passed.

I used to be the biggest romantic in the world.  When I think about how much I believed in love the only person that comes mind is Charlotte from Sex and the City.  I was really that big of of a worshiper in the Church of Love.  I believed that it would hit me like a ton of bricks, out of nowhere, and it would be the most amazing sensation I would ever feel when I met the one.  I had fate on my side as I met men.  While some left a lesson or an impression on my heart; there were others who came into my life and left leaving nothing.  When I felt I had love I would give it my all.  I thought that just maybe this could be the answer to my prayers.  As the love started to fade I assumed it to be a sign that this just wasn't it.  That was okay because my great love had to be coming soon.

Maybe I became such a believer because love was the only fantasy that I knew could become a reality.  After all it was our Divine purpose on Earth to find this special person who was the other piece of our puzzle.  Then one day out of a circumstance that wasn't very romantic I found myself involved with a person who in no way, shape, or form fit the definition I had created in my mind of the one.  But, I had faith in fate and I knew it was all happening for a reason.  After all love isn't always easy.  God gives us challenges to prove ourselves worthy.  A little time passed and one day I woke up.  My situation was not ideal but this man who I never thought could steal my heart had and I knew I was a goner.  I was more so in love and it was not like anything I had ever felt before.

Unfortunately for me, as sometimes happens, the challenges presented proved to be too much.  With in the blink of an eye it was over and I didn't know what to do.  I had never felt a broken heart like that before and I was sad for a long time.  But I still had faith in love and like Charlotte I knew this was just a small part of a bigger and more beautiful picture.  So I kept hope, I put myself out there, I said my affirmations, and I prayed.  But no one I met made me feel that way and I knew not to linger by keeping up contact with them.  I didn't let them in because there was no point in being intimate.  Winter faded and as the flowers of spring began to bloom again....suddenly my hopes and prayers turned to reality.  He was back, he loved me, this was the working of fate.  Nothing could stand in the way of real love.  The feelings of walking on air came back over night and although not perfect or what I expected I thought this is what destiny has chosen for me so it must be good. 

I preached to the world you have to believe.  Love conquers all and if you believe in it then it will always have your back.  Until it fell apart again.  Obviously my blog is proof that it has been difficult.  I was a person who believed so hard that I couldn't believe anything could destroy what I had.  I felt abandoned, desperate, and as if a piece of me was missing.  I was physically, mentally, emotionally sick and exhausted.  How could fate do such a terrible number on me?  I couldn't understand what was happening or what I was doing.  Finally I shut down, embarrassed for believing in love, embarrassed for feeling fooled, and embarrassed for the things I had done in my plight to save us.  I wasn't like Charlotte anymore and I thought love is bullshit.

I was over it all.  It was all nothing but children's fairy tales and each time I seen a happy couple I would laugh.  Instead of my normal cheerleading I was the one who would remind them love doesn't make the world go around.  Like Charlotte after her Harry left her, after she tried so hard, I didn't care about love anymore.  For whatever reason the stars had decided that I wasn't deserving so why keep hope in something that isn't going to happen?  I was bitter, full of anger, full of hate and some towards him; the rest toward myself.  I couldn't stop going over the why's and the how's in my head.  It didn't help that the words being exchanged were more hurtful then anything I had ever said to my worst enemy.  I couldn't shrug this feeling of sadness and missing.  I never wanted to feel that again and I figured I must be too damaged for love; so I closed up shop on my heart.

A couple of months ago I found myself feeling sad and I asked for some kind of sign to make me believe again.  This wasn't in my character and it wasn't who I was.  Almost over night the signs started coming. Little by little I started to have hope again and then I started praying again.  If I gave up on fate then fate would give up on me.  I had to believe in order to receive.  Everything does happen for a reason and we can't expect to understand the big picture when it is still not done being painted.  Sometimes big parts of the picture are filled in.  Other times like now a flower will get added here and there to give a clue a bigger piece will be painted in soon.  Out of darkness comes light.  Like Charlotte each day I start to believe a little more again that love conquers all.  My happy ending is coming soon; it just has a bit of a rain delay right now.

The End Is Almost Here....Good Riddens 2011!

In my life it seems every other year I am due for a bad one.  While 2010 was most excellent till the very end 2011 has proved to be a real asshole of a year.  It's not because I turned thirty and I am filled with sorrows due to my youth ending.  It is due to about a million other things that went wrong and I can't wait to leave them behind in a year that has past.  My life was like a Bridget Jones movie on crack in 2011.  Thus I decided to make a top five list of the dumbass things that I can't wait to say peace out to come 2012.

1). Strike Two In Tom and Me's Relationship Issues
In 2010 I was a so confident that love conquers all and everything happens for a reason.  I was sure Tom and I were meant to be together.  He came back into my life a knight in shining armour.  Well 2011 had different plans.....it even invaded the end of 2010 to plant it's evil seed.  My little wonderful took a time machine back to August 2008 and I wasn't good enough yet again.  My mind was filled with crazy and my heart was as broke as ever.  One month would be good and one month would be bad.  Until the mecca of all 2011 blow ups when Tom accused me of stalking and threatened to call the cops......followed by pretending I was dead the remainder of the year.  Oh what fun that was!  While I haven't completely given up on love and I guess I learned that when someone tells you they are changing you should look for the actual action of it more then the words.  Oh and we should take responsibility for our own actions I am glad that is behind me.  I am so over heartache no matter who it's with.  Hopefully I have paid my dues when it comes to terrible things that can overwhelm someones love.

2). Getting Rid of Friends Who Lack Principles
I have spent the year trying to banish the people in my life who brought too much drama.  Sometimes you feel bad about letting people go especially if you have been friends with them for a long time.  But then you realize it when they get you dragged into their shit the friendship isn't worth it.  I am over people telling me that they cheated and then expecting me to cover up for them.  I am no longer going to care if they try to blame me for their problems that don't have anything to do with me.  Birds of a feather flock together and I don't want friends that think it's ok to do stuff I don't agree with and make people assume I am the same way.  In my older age I am loyal to my man and I don't think it's ok to destroy someones life just because you only care about yourself.  Therefore peace out to my friends who are now my enemies.

3). Working for Idiots
In 2011 I found myself stressed out over a job that was completely irrelevant to anything I would ever do with my life.  It was literally making me sick to go into work.  I was beat down and told I maybe wasn't good enough for the job.  That was bullshit.  I had more education then most people there including the boss.  I can't believe I was written up for not wanting to be friends with people at work I don't care about.  If I am going to do work just to get a paycheck while I am finishing my education I at least want it to be relevant.  So I told those fools at Citi to suck it and moved on. 

4). Being Lazy
2011 was my laziest year in a long time.  I had no motivation to do much of anything all year.  I was procrastinating on homework.  I didn't work out like I should.  I didn't speak up when I should have.  I slept my cares away and didn't think about myself a whole lot.  Well I learned it's okay to be selfish because when you are lazy it just makes the things that are bad seem a lot worse.  If you want something you have to go out and get it....that means taking risks.  I'm not going to just play it safe anymore.

5. Worrying About Other People's Opinions
Everyone had an opinion about every situation in my life in 2011.  It didn't matter if it was in relation to love or work.  As I took it all in it made my mind spin more then it was before.  I became paranoid and uneasy.  The bottom line it is my life and I will do what I want with it.  If someone doesn't like it then too bad.  As long as I am happy that is all that should matter.  It's my bed and I am the one that has to lay in it.

If You End Up On Cheaters It's Probably Your Own Fault Stupids....

In relationships everyone makes mistakes here and there.  Some of those mistakes are really big ones and some are small petty ones.  There are people who have very little turmoil in their relationship and others who have one bump in the road after the other. The point is everyone has problems as a couple.The question that surrounds each situation is whether or not you love a person enough to suck it up and say I messed up, this is why, I want to fix it because. 
Typically I don't like to pass judgement or get involved in other people's relationships.  I know what it's like to have interference from outside influence and I also know what it's like to have serious problems that need to be dealt with as a couple.  But all of that changes when someone brings you into their drama. Typically that happens when they refuse to accept responsibility for their own actions.  They want to find someone to blame for their relationship falling apart.  I don't deal with that kind of shit.

First of all I have been completely open on my blog about the issues that Tom and I have had over the years.  There were people both family and friends who enjoyed adding fuel to the fire when it came to the issues we had. Sometimes we let those opinions effect our relationship and other times we did not.  In the last four plus years we have loved and hated each other.  We have been together and we have been separated.  There were times we acted out in the most foolish and idiotic ways.  I did stupid things out of desperation and he did stupid things out of fear.  But those things we did never involved other people and eventually we always admitted what we did wrong.  Eventually we would forgive each other.  Sometimes it would take a couple of days or like now months could pass.  I will be the first to say I'm sorry for what I did, I love Tom, but I don't like the way that he was treating me.  I will tell anyone there is no way for us to be together if he isn't willing to face our problems head on and work as a team to overcome them.  I think that is a healthy thought and so does my shrink.

Back to the losers, well more like the chicken shits who refuse to look in the mirror and say what I did is my fault....it was really screwed up of me.  Those people who cheat and lie because they think they are invincible.  Recently I separated myself from a friend because of her constant relationship dramas.  I was sick of boyfriends and husbands calling me looking for her at four am.  I was annoyed with how irresponsible she was with her relationships; jumping from one to the next just because she was board.  But even still myself and others get dragged in.  When you do something awful like cheat the truth always comes out and apparently it did for her yet again.  Yet instead of saying yes I cheated on my husband her story is it's all lies my friend is so jealous of me she made it up.  She had to find a scape goat. 

Bottom line I didn't make her do anything or make anything up.  Matter of fact I don't even speak to her.  I'll let her blame me because I don't really care to get involved.  The thing is she can deny whatever she wants and in the end that will be the demise of her marriage.  Some other issue will come up over something else she does and she won't be able to blame anyone.  Her husband won't be willing to work with her because he won't find her to be honest.  That will be no ones fault but her own. She didn't really love him or herself enough maybe.  If she did she would have said she screwed up and done whatever she could to save her marriage the right way.

In the meantime yes I am alone but I am not jealous.  I feel like I am going about dealing with the issues Tom and I created properly.  There are things I need to work on and so does he.....whether we remained a couple or not.  We never let it get to the point where we were cheating and bringing others into our problems.  The emotional trauma we caused remained in between the four walls of our little home.  We have only pointed the finger at each other and never did we say it's all their fault.  I always thought Tom and I were very immature....after this whole fiasco maybe we are not.  At least in the end we may have to spend a lot seeing a shrink but we won't be on cheaters. 

You Had a Kid....You Didn't Cure AIDS!

As a non-mom I just needed to take a moment and say I DON'T GIVE A DAMN, SHIT, FUCK about your stupid kid.  Yeah Yeah I am sure all the mommas and mommies to be out there are going to be so offended by what I have to say....but guess what.....this is my blog.  Therefore I will hate kids and bash them as I see fit.  Let's take a minute to talk about my latest annoyances about kids.  First of all why so many fucking nicknames?  I mean seriously it's a human being not a dog.  Do you have to find one million ways to call your kid that are even more stupid then the awful name you gave it when it was born?  The second annoyance I have with kids lately is all the pictures of them.....on facebook, in emails, on blogs, in cubicles, and on the wall in your house.  I am sure all these parents will say, "Well you post too many pictures of your dog."  Well fuckette dogs are fucking cute.  They sell millions of calendars and products every single year.  They also beat babies and kids out on the regular on America's funniest videos. 

Then there is that entitlement that you ladies feel just because you're moms.  I'm over the well you don't understand because you don't have kids.  Just because you got pregnant and had a baby doesn't make you better or smarter then me.  You know why?  Because anyone can get knocked up.  I was even knocked up at one point and it wasn't hard to do.  I just had to get wasted with Tom and let him bone me raw dog....boom I was knocked up.  That's all it took....my cervix is just stupid.  Yes that is what went wrong it was incompetent according to the doctors. Yes it was sad and sure it may be kind of evil that secretly on the inside I am so God damn glad I don't have a kid right now. But still it wasn't hard to become pregnant.  Monkey's can do it.  So a big go fuck yourself for your higher then thou attitude.  My degree is more of an accomplishment then your stupid baby.  Maybe you have kids because you are a bigger whore then I am.

While we are on the topic of kids and why they are stupid it would be nice if you would sometimes or most of the time tell your little ugly brat to SHUT THE FUCK UP!  I don't care about anything the kid has to say about Santa, play dough, or Barbies.  Kids voices make my ears bleed and conversation with them isn't cute.  So put a muzzle on them when it's grown up time.  Last but not least if you are that asshole that takes your kid to the mall, target, or starbucks put them in the damn stroller.  Really there is no reason for them to be walking around and getting in my way.  The lord invented strollers for a reason and that was to strap those little shit heads in and keep them out of the way.  If you decide to let them walk around don't get pissed when they get kidnapped by some creeper or when I trip them while they are walking for fun. That's all hopefully I can get through the rest of my day with out having to see another stupid kid!

To Grinch Or Not To Grinch That Is The Question

The holidays come but once a year and traditionally it is a time to give thanks.  It is a time to celebrate and share with those you love.  But, when you are single it can be a reminder of how alone you are during the most wonderful time of the year.  That reminder can initiate one of two emotions.  The first being joy that you don't have to deal with someone else's family, that you will save money on gifts, and that you don't have to worry about getting into any arguments about the holidays.  The second emotion it can bring up is one of sadness and depression.  When you don't have kids there aren't as many gifts under the tree, there is no one to snuggle up with during the first winter blizzard, and no one to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve.

It just hit me today that I am going to be alone this holiday season and I started thinking about which one of those options I am going to embrace?  Last year during the holidays I wasn't alone but I wasn't happy....I was in love but afraid that love was slipping away from me.  My relationship with Tom had fallen into a very dark place and I really couldn't handle it.  It's a blur to me of arguments, followed by tears, followed making up, and then a few days later it would all repeat itself.  But, I don't blame the holidays for that onset of madness it just happened and it could have happened at anytime of the year.  Yet through it all I didn't let all that bad suck up the good.  I had worked really hard to let go of my old Grinch ways.  We still put up a tree, wrapped gifts, and hung our stockings with care.

There were two things that triggered me letting go of my Grinch ways love and the fact that Tom would get so damn excited about all the gifts under the tree.  It was like watching an over grown six year old opening a hot toy when he would start unwrapping.  It made the holidays fun and for me they hadn't been for a really long time.   I lost my brother a few years ago so that just makes the Holidays not what they were when I was a kid. Tom filled that void of what I felt I was missing. So out I would go to black Friday shopping, I would get excited about my new Hallmark decorations, and bake cookies whenever possible.  I was ecstatic to spend New Years at home on the couch snuggled up with my fur baby and my boyfriend. 

So fast forward to this season and my struggle with my inner Grinch.  As of right now I feel melancholy.  I still plan on putting up the tree and hanging my new ornaments because I like to decorate.  But, I'm not that excited about not really having anyone to buy gifts for besides a couple family members.  Sure it will save me money and I could buy stuff for myself; that's just not as fun as when someone else gives you a gift.  It is exciting that I am close to a new year coming which will put an end to a terrible one.  It's depressing to think I have no one to share the excitement of that new year with me.  It's not that I need a boyfriend to be happy during this time of year; I think it's just that it's a shift from what I was getting used to again that is throwing me off.

I don't want to spend the holidays as a Grinch.  There is a lot to be thankful for and there are people who love me.  It's just getting over the hump and not letting the loss of fond memories affect my demeanor.  The reality is sometimes we are alone and it isn't easy.  We just have to remember that we have to celebrate ourselves at that point.  It's a time to get in touch with who we are and who we want to become.  There are a myriad of new adventures waiting for us around the bend.  I just know that big changes are on the horizon and slowly but surely I will get everything I am wishing for......that alone will help me stop my heart from growing back to two sizes to small.

Creepers Lay Off!

This blog isn't going to be particularly detailed it's more of a vent.  Seriously what is with all the random creepers lately?! They are everywhere!! Okay so I know I am single and very celibate; that doesn't mean I am desperate.  I'm just letting the universe be in control of my next step in the love area of my life.  Yet time and time again I am being harassed by some freak I don't know.  First of all it is not cool to poke a girl you don't know on facebook.  It's weird and I don't know you so that signals stranger danger to me.  It makes a guy seem desperate and I will not poke back or ask for your number.  Second if a girl ignores you when you are trying to talk to her at a bar just leave her alone.  Third cat calling a girl in a parking lot, at the mall, on the road, wherever is not attractive.  I am not going to stop what I am doing so that you can holla at me.  I'm not a hooker standing on a street corner.  Maybe this wouldn't be such an issue if these men were good looking?  But then again maybe it's not the looks thing but the you are a displaying the potential to be a rapper.  I can get over looks at time my ex-boyfriend resembled a young Charles Manson.  But this is no way to court a lady.  No wonder I prefer to spend night alone!

Divorce Everyone is Doing It!

It seems like every five minutes someone else is getting engaged.  Then five minutes later someone you know is getting divorced.  The vows of till death due us part don't matter anymore.  It has become till things get hard and then we will get divorced.  Now I have never been married (although maybe in my last relationship I might as well have been) but I'm pretty sure that just because there are issues it doesn't mean you are supposed to just quit. Kim K is the latest tabloid divorce; married just 72 day to Humps.  Do I think the whole situation is stupid?  Absolutely! But maybe she is just like most women except she is in Hollywood so the clock moves much faster?

Let's think about it.  Most women like Kim K have dreamed of their wedding day since they were little girls.  Meeting that special guy, having him get down on one knee, and putting on a fancy white dress.  It's a beautiful image for most of us. We can't hate on Kim K for having that same dream.  For some of us that dream comes true pretty quick.  Married with children all before the age of twenty five.  For the rest of us we start playing the waiting game.  Fantasy's about if this guy is to be the "one."  Years go on and like Kim K some of us will become desperate.  Women become afraid that society will dub them an old maid.  They make goals to become married to the next one because after all as long as they have waited he will be the right one.  Then the child brides who are now divorces jump on the wagon and fear they have to find husband number two ASAP!

The search begins and many of us like Kim K find a new relationship.  With in a few months or a year the dream becomes true and an engagement happens.  But is the guy really the one or is he just a Kris Humphries?  Sure maybe there are those people who find love at first sight.  The truth is it is few and far between when that actually happens.  It takes a while to really get to know someone so rushing into a marriage can be a recipe for disaster. Yet women don't think about that because they are in love with the fantasy. About being a bride, having a husband, and a family. Everything is all good and then the honeymoon ends.

Reality sets in and people will realize they are practically strangers.  Things that should be discussed before an engagement happens come up and cannot be resolved.  The bickering starts, bills start coming in, and sometimes babies. All Hell starts breaking loose and people are pushed to their limits.  Marriage isn't easy and it's too much pressure.  Plus now that they have done it once or twice they could always try again with someone else.  Divorce papers get filed in no time and it's on to the next one.  It's no big deal to them and with in two months they are a la Jennifer Lopez so in love with a new guy.

We are a disposable society and there is nothing that is sacred anymore.  I can understand and relate to these insecurities we feel and the pressure to be married I am a woman after all.  But I am not a person that settles or will rush into anything.  Maybe that is because I am emotionally traumatized from my last relationship. But, since that relationship was so complicated it gave me a preview of the hurdles that could potentially come up in a marriage.  It was a lot of work and I wasn't planning on just quitting. You take the good and the bad of a person when it is really love.  If I didn't quit that there is no way I am going to quit my husband.  Therefore I choose to be picky. 

Everyone around me can do what they want; they can all be Kim K's. But I will keep waiting and that maybe a long while.  I don't think being a divorce' is cool and I hate dating.  The last thing I want to do is being thrown into that scene after I was finally out of it.  Let's be serious there are a ton of creepy leaky's out there!  So do yourselves a favor before you make the leap ask yourself if you really know this person you are going to marry?  Do you really know you?  If you can't securely answer both those questions in detail it is probably a bad idea.

It Doesn't Matter Where You Live Or Who You Live Off....Your Crew Is Still Busted!

There are people who believe if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all....well sorry folks but I am not one of those people.  In this small city there will always be those who want to fly with the eagles but they can't because they are ostriches.  Often times I am quite entertained by the stories of these flightless birds and their attempt to be awesome.  My favorite loser is Meggles....she is the worst gold digging whore I have ever met ( when I mean the worst I mean that she isn't even with real rich guys; she is into rich guy knock offs).  Ever since I can remember this girl she has been nothing but a fourth runner up!  Her closest crew consists of two other ostriches (rule number one rich guys travel in packs Meggles and no one wants to hook up with the girl hanging with the busted looking crew).  She is that girl who had a "keep a nigga baby" with a broke ass.  Meggles is the girl who marries a scam artist and claims she knew nothing about his "past" when he scams once again.  That is funny stuff because the entire state of Michigan knew he was a criminal.

Now this loser has escaped her turmoil of being deceived by a scam artist.  She has left behind their beautiful home on the lake (which was a rental) and her two carat engagement ring (which was fake and for serious girl if you are going to live off men learn to tell the difference between a diamond and a CZ).  She has found her way back into the arms of her baby daddy and they are moving hours away to an undisclosed location.  This is because everyone is jealous of her and hates.  Really I think we all just like to make fun of her and her ugly friends because they are pathetic.

 Well I have some words of advice for Meggles.  One your man is a cheater; he cheated to get with you, he cheats on you, and will never stop cheating.  Two keep telling people how much money you to have.....we all know it's lies and you both have bad credit.  Three the only reason you are a full time mommy is because you are lazy and stupid.  You lack any real education and you failed at working in a bar.  Seriously you are a moron and no one would hire you for anything more then $9.00 an hour.  Therefore you have no choice but to live off men.  Four new places do not change situations.  The same bullshit will happen to you wherever you live because you are a loser.  You are not capable of living the life of a Real Housewife because you will always be a broke ass hoe.  Five we all know that you play victim for attention.  Meggles the only thing you are victim of is being a dumb bitch and the reason no one feels sorry for you is due to the amount of people you have screwed over. 

There will be people out there who will read this and think I am a mean ass.  Well I am and everything I have written I would share right to the face of this idiot and her busted crew.  Actually I just reminded one of her besties that yes I did feel that there was no need for her to wear a mask to a Halloween party because she is butt ugly on Friday.  I have no mercy for those who are a waste of sperm and egg.....yes Meggles that means you!

Most Busted Looking Crew of the Year Award Goes To.......

Hey Guys this is Grand Rapids not New Jersey

There are days when I am casually looking at facebook and I think really do the men of this city get their fashion tips from the Situation?  It's horrible all those ugly tattoo shirts and Ed Hardy.  Their skin is so tan they look orange and their heads look tiny because their arms are so big.  They don't look cute!  Actually they look like freaks and most of them are idiots. People wonder why I never go on dates.  It's because the dating pool consists of guys that are so juiced up I am afraid they are going to rage out on me.  The couple that spray tans together does not stay together.  Things get worse each week with these Jersey wanna be's.  Just today I seen one offender wearing eyeliner in his facebook picture.  I know Halloween is just around the corner but seriously it is really disturbing.  What happened to a nice polo shirt, clean jeans, and topsiders? I don't want anything to do with this outbreak of ridiculous.  I will not be turned to the darkside!  I will take a nerd in a "to catch a mocking bird" shirt from schulers any day instead.  As a matter of fact I would rather be celibate then ever kiss a guy in an affliction shirt.....no joke.

The offensive style that must be banished


Seriously what the fuck is this?


What do you call a cluster of douche bags?



Eww disgusting!!!



One more for the cheap seats!

Now what ever happened to the good old fashioned American boy?  I miss seeing those guys...





Now aren't they so much better!

Today's LOLZ

It seems no matter where we work we will all encounter annoying co-workers.  Lucky for me the number of them has taken a drastic reduction since I switched jobs.  But, there are still a handful of thorns in my side.  One of the guys has a boring name and so does his wife.  They seem like they are the two dullest people on the planet.  It's no wonder he hates life his sex life if it exists probably consists of missionary and more missionary....that would create a life hater out of a man.  So when the annoying ones are particularly bad I must find something to amuse myself with so I thought, "I think it's time for some LOLZ of the day."

Nightmare on Pug Street.


I mean this is GREAT!  Pug life is a lifestyle after all but good Pugs can go bad.

Pissed off Puss in Boots


He just looks so angry it's like he got ready for a date he really didn't want to go on.

The Headless Retriever


I had to do a double take because I really thought this dog was a cow for some reason.  To the costume designer BRAVO!

Yo Querro Taco Bell


Of course since I LOVE Chihuahua's I couldn't help but giggle and think about how cute this was!

Last but not least Britney Chi-Wow

I would love to get this adorable outfit for Poochie and I to match.  Hilarious!!

Things I Have Released at Thirty

I have been thirty for almost six months now.....hooray.  Honestly it doesn't feel much different then being twenty nine.  I still have most of the same problems I did back then; although I have zero tolerance for dramatic situations at this point.  But as life continues on there were some things I decided to leave behind in my twenties. The easiest decisions on what to release were in the realm of fashion.  There are several reasons the main three being:
1. My sisters wear similar items and I am twelve years their senior.
2. In Style and Vogue say it's a fashion don't in your thirties.
3. I don't want to look like the old broad who is trying to hard to hold on to her youth.

I have decided to list my top five banishment's for your reading enjoyment and perhaps I can aid you from making inappropriate wardrobe choices for your age bracket.

1. The first thing I chose to let go of was the jean mini skirt.  There was a time it was my go to piece for a night at Mojo's (a bar I have also let go of to the next generation).  It was short and care free.  It is also the staple item of a twenty one year old girl which I am not and quite frankly I look absolutely ridiculous in them paired with my pearls.

2. On to the next one and that was actually any items from a chain of stores including Ambercrombie, Hollister, and American Eagle.  There is a big problem wearing something that I chose to wear for my school picture in the 9th grade. These brands should be reserved for people under twenty five only.

3. To my donation bin also goes tube tops (not to be mistaken with strapless cocktail wear).  First of all they never really look that good and most people don't pair them with the right bottoms.  I also have a big chest and I refuse to have my bra straps showing and I won't use the clear ones.  They also remind me of Debs...which is bad news.

4. String Bikini's are also going into the trash.  I am a skinny girl and they make me look fat (which seems to be the effect on most people).  They are just not for everyone and now that I am thirty I feel like I should know better then to wear a swimsuit that adds twenty pounds.  There are so many other options out there that actually compliment my figure (which is a really nice bod).

5. The last thing I have decided to never ever wear again is shirts that show my tummy a la Winnie the pooh or on purpose.  The only place I should be wearing anything like that is at the beach club while I am on vacation. The trend should really be reserved for those under twenty two and I think it looks really trashy.  I don't even have a muffin top and I am banishing these shirts forever more.

I am sure as time passes I will continue to add things to the list.  On top of fashion there are various life situations I have chosen to just say no to like guys with out jobs, friends that might sleep with your boyfriend, and being nice to people I don't like.  I am excited to embrace new things like wearing pearls with anything, nice dinner dates instead bar dates, and being sure of who I am.  So as I say good bye to some of the fashion mistakes of my past I dream of couture.

Look I Don't Come to Work to Make Friends!

The office a place where the majority of us spend five days a week and most of the hours we are awake.  Some people love to go to work not because they have this drive to be the best, but instead because it is there outlet for socialization.  I am not one of those people.  I have had many jobs and many of them I was even fired from (I have this thing about authority and not taking orders).  For the most part I enjoy my job as an advisor.  It is a good stepping stone for my career path.  However, I work with a ton of women and cry baby men, who love to have water cooler talk.

There was a time I would have joined in on their happy hours.  I would have been a part of the inner circle of coolness.  Those times are long gone and I have no interest in making friends with anyone at work.  I prefer to be an outcast and just do my job.  Sure I will make small talk and that is where my story ends.  I am a mystery so they can view me as stuck up.  That is completely fine with me.  I had to learn the hard way that 98% of the people you work with really are not real friends.

Way back when I was a work place socialite I decided to befriend a girl we will call her Jen.  She was going through a break up and didn't have many girlfriends.  I also was friendly with most of the people I worked with going out for happy hours and their stupid tupperware parties.  During that time it just so happened I was dating a co-worker ( I sorta met him at work but he is part of that 2% of descent work friends I have made) who so happened to be the cell phone stores most eligible bachelor.  I had no idea he was such prime relestate I just thought he was funny.

 Turns out these work friends decided to sabotage me and went back to him with stories of things I "shared" with them.  Well none of it was true and it created quite the argument.  Then my good friend Jen said, "well I will talk to him and tell him they are lying." Her idea of talking to him was sending him naked pictures of herself and asking him if she could give him a blow job.  She also took it upon herself to tell him all sorts of crazy things that were not true about me. All of a sudden I was the devil to this guy and that lasted a while.  We are friends now but that is besides the point. I didn't find out about what she was really doing for well over a year and when I confronted her she lied to my face about it all.

All of her plotting created nothing but chaos for me at work.  I became the office slut and the truth was I wasn't at all.  I dated one guy and it got blown out of proportion because of my work friends.  It made things unbearable for me at work.  I learned my lesson it is already hard enough to have problems with a sketchball friend outside of work, but at least you can just cut those people off.  If it happens with work people you still have to face them every day.  Jen played the victim and of course I was the villain.  I'm not fake and I can't suck up to people I don't care about like her or just to get something I want out of them.  Turns out karma bit her in the ass, she got married for money, and now she is miserable.  But never again do I want people to be in the know about me.  I will remain a lone ranger and all anyone needs to know is I love my dog which is why I have hundreds of pictures of her in my cubical.  I don't care how annoyed they get that I don't want to be a part of their potlucks and happy hours.  I am done with the work friends scene.  I have about four of them that turned out to be true blue and I have no desire to try to add more to my list.

Just Because Elizabeth Taylor Died Doesn't Mean You Were Supposed To Fill Her Shoes....

Elizabeth Taylor had many lovers and husbands.  She even married one guy twice!  She was a beauty; always draped in diamonds and couture.  Sadly we cannot live forever so her time eventually came.  That does not mean there is a vacancy to fill her shoes by anyone.  Especially not in Grand Rapids Michigan! Day after day I hear stories and I read posts.  Girls in this town go through boyfriends, fiance's, and husbands like water.  It simply amazes me at how quick the turnover rate is and they all have a story. 

Many of them want you to feel sorry for them because they had no idea the guy they were using for money was a fraud (yeah right).  Or their husbands didn't make enough money resulting in them having to leave them because once their credit was destroyed they could no longer afford to buy designer jeans.  Babies are born to different daddies as quickly as the reproduction rate of the rat.  The kids end up with many "uncles."  A note to those women....Liz Taylor didn't do the "uncle" thing that was Joan Crawford.  They move from one guy to the next living off of them; doing nothing for themselves.  They couldn't possibly go to school or work because then they would never have time to go to forever 21 to buy fake jewelry to match their knock off Chanel purses.

To them divorce is no big deal because Liz did it and she was fabulous.  Plus they are all Christian women and God would never give them a challenge they couldn't handle.  Well when you were cheating on your husband or home wreaking....I bet God loved that!  Yes these women aren't divas they are skanks.  They make the rest of us who actually struggled in past relationships or value marriage look bad.  The reason is because they are so easy it makes us look stuck up.  Sometimes those Liz's will gather in groups like animals on the African plains and talk about how great they are doing.  They will discuss how we the non-Liz's are just jealous of their lives because we are washed up old maids.

Well I hate to burst the bubble but eventually people catch on to the games those kinds of women play.  Instead of thinking what a Liz Taylor she is men start to think about how you can't turn a whore into a housewife.  They will hit rock bottom and sometimes can't find their way out because they have no real survival skills.  We aren't jealous of these losers; we pity them.  We enjoy laughing at their stupidity.  Because the thing about Liz Taylor is that she might have been a tramp but she was a smart one.  She made her own money with her own talents and that was something no man could ever take from her.  These wanna be's on the other hand should hire themselves a pimp or start researching the bunny ranch because the smarts gene was left out of their DNA make up.

Dating Horror Stories....Pick a Team Buddy

Now in the last five years I don't have much experience in dating.  I had a boyfriend most of the time or was completely turned off to it. I'm really not into it.  The thought of going out with a stranger who is probably boring just makes my brain bleed.  People will say oh you have to give it a chance or try one of those online things.  No thanks I'm fine with not having a date every Friday and meeting someone online wigs me out too.  Once and a while I get lectured after one too many drinks from a friend about my anti-dating ways and there is a story I like to share.  It's about an experience I had in dating and why it sucks.

During my first break up with Tom I decided to open my horizons up to dating.  I was willing to meet people through other people.  A friend decided to set me up with his buddy, but in a round about way like he wanted us to all hang out and work his magic.  Plus he knew that I knew what this guy looked like so I would have said hell no if it was a real date.  Anyway Shannon was a trust fund kid.  He was dorky looking and socially awkward.  I think he wanted to be a club kid and got stuck in his rave days.  So my friend Dougie invited me one night to Shannon's house to hang out.  When I arrived to my surprise there was no one there but Shannon.  Okay he was a little weird but it was interesting conversation.  I wasn't going to marry the guy and  few free dinners would be nice....plus he was in a party stage like me.

So I hung out with this Shannon a few times and each time he seemed to get stranger and stranger.  I knew the time was coming where I was going to have to say it was fun but all we were going to be was friends.  He just wasn't my type and I wanted to be nice about it because he wasn't a jerk off.  So Shannon invited me to a bar and decided to let his freak flag fly.  There was a meat head who approached the bar in front of us.  Shannon said to me, "Wow that guy is hot!" I thought he had to be kidding....then he said, "what I've kissed a boy, sometimes I get lonely." At that second I knew I had to get out of there.  So I said I felt sick and excused myself.  I never spoke to Shannon again.

The point of my story is.....it was bad enough before when you had to compete with other women for a date but I will not compete with men as well.  This is one of the reasons I hate dating.  I didn't even like this guy in a romantic way and I still felt like a dumbass when all those dates where said and done.  What is this bi-sexual bullshit?  Seriously pick a team!!  A man is either gay or straight he cannot be both.  Until this measure gets cleared up by society every time I go on a date with someone new I am not going to be thinking if I seem desperate for texting him first.  I am going to be wondering if he likes to lick men's buttholes!

Bitchy men belong on project runway not in a sports bar.....or stop being such a coward.

I'm a natural born female there for it's in my genetic make up to moan and cry about stuff.  However I am pretty sure that Darwin would agree with me when I make the statement that men are not supposed be that way.  There is nothing worse then to hear a man cry, gossip, or complain like a woman.  They are supposed to be braver and stronger then that.  Yes it's okay for them to be in touch with their emotions but look if they want to get about set about how scorned they are and how some guy at work really is such a jerk then they should be batting for the other team.  I won't lie my ex Tom used to gossip with me a little here and there but he was one of the biggest cowards I know.  At first it was fun when my "girlfriend" wanted to hang out but after a while it got pretty annoying.  It became even more frustrating when I learned this subspecies of men ran in packs....because the majority of his friends are like broads too! 

Example of a real man.....he has a soft side but you don't see Eric Northman complaining about what Sookie did to him.  Instead he finds the competition and rips their jugular out or uses his mind to find a way to intellectually kill them off.

Example of a girlie cry baby coward man.  I would post a picture of Tom but I don't have time to be accused of stalking today so instead here is Tom Brady being a coward about yet one more thing....oh Gisele she is just so mean to him.

Now don't be fooled ladies the girlie man he wears a disguise so he can get into the sports bar and not get beat up by the real men.  He will act like he is tough by being something like a hunter or acting like a real hard ass.  Then he will open his mouth and start talking a little more.  He is a life hater....his ex-wife did this to him, his life is so hard, and women are idiots they deserve to be used.  A real winner if you don't care about getting beat up when he doesn't defend you when some gorilla man comes at you.  He probably has a lot of lost dreams due to things that were "out of his control."  This guy is all talk no action as well as his friends.  Trust me the pack will back each other up.  Tom's friends love to remind me about what a psycho ex-girlfriend I am and how he never wants to date again because of me.  Seriously the girlie men of the world just need to get over it!  Shit happens and you are not females.  Cry alone and move on because you are supposed to be the stronger of the two sexes.  If you don't believe me stop getting your information from the Bible and pick up some Darwin!

Ladies below there are some scenes of girlie men in action so you can better spot them.

He will probably hang out with girls at least ten years or more younger then him because they lack the life experience to know he is a girlie man.

He will try to bash his ex whenever possible and to whom ever he can a la brad pitt

He will dress in trends that belong to people half his age

The list goes on but I think you all get the point.  Just remember birds of a feather flock together....if your boyfriends friends are douche bag cry babies he is probably one too!



Trump....You're Fired!!!

Each and every single year no matter what is going on in my life there is one thing I look forward to.....the Miss Universe Pageant.  Is that cheesy?  It is just a little but I love pageants and Miss Universe is one of the few places where I think beauty and poise remains.  The women for the most part are actually feminine looking and elegant.  Many people say that the pageant is out dated and it is against the equal rights women have fought for since it parades them around in swimsuits.  Well to that I say it's a beauty pageant!  If you don't like it don't watch it and don't try to compete in them.  Although I have a theory that most women who are anti-pageant are ugly and miserable.  Basically I think that they are haters. 

This year I was ready once again for my Superbowl and I was highly disappointed.  It was the worst example of a Miss Universe Pageant I have seen in years.  Donald Trump managed to bring his own agenda to the stage and you could clearly see it in the results from top sixteen to the finalists.  So you can all clearly understand my anger this morning I have decided to review the pageant for you.

First let us begin with the location....San Paulo Brazil.   I felt like it was the perfect place to hold the pageant.  South America is a huge market for the pageant and Latin countries are obsessed to say the least.  It's tropical, the girls were tan, the venue looked very nice.  However, the entertainment was less then lack luster.  I appreciate trying to incorporate local talent but forcing them to sing in English made the performances unbearable. Then there were the judges and I am not even going to comment on that.....let's just say being one of 50 Cent's skanks does not qualify one to judge Miss Universe...ahhhem Vivica Fox.  Another big disappoint the parade of costumes was once again left out of the opening to instead showcase a bunch of Shari hill gowns.....I think that takes away from the history of Miss Universe....the tradition.

Now on to the top sixteen.  To explain there were sixteen instead of fifteen because one finalist was selected based on fan votes online.  There were many shockers of women not included such as Miss Dominican Republic, Miss Mexico, and many more who were favorites.  The women selected then went on to compete in the swimsuit competition.  This year the swimsuit round was boring, most of the girls couldn't even walk.  There was one standout Miss Venezuela who had the best walk and a rocking body.

Rounding up the Top 16 was

1. France

2. Kosovo

3. Columbia

4. China

5. Angola

6. Australia

7. Puerto Rico

8. Brazil

9. Netherlands

10. USA (some needs to discuss eating disorders with her)

11. Ukraine

12. Panama

13. Costa Rica

14. Portugal (People Choice)

15. Philippines

16. Venezuela 

Then on to evening gown.  The music selection was awful and I don't think there was an elegant way for the girls to walk while displaying the gowns properly.  It seemed very rushed.  The gowns this year all were just blah and I think a lot of them were Shari Hill's.  I am so over her!  Can someone please do something a little more creative.  Australia by far had the worst gown; it looked like something a stripper would wear.  I think that Brazil made the best gown selection, it was bright, fun, and it looked great on her. 

Just look at this thing I think the concept might have been great but it didn't translate.  You can pretty much see her who-ha.  Sorry Miss Australia hated it.

The picture doesn't do Miss Brazil's dress justice but it did look lovely on stage.  Is it the best gown I have ever seen on the Miss Universe stage?  Absolutely not, but it was the best for that night's show.
Rounding up the top ten were:
1. France
2. China
3. Angola
4. Australia
5. Brazil
6. Ukraine
7. Panama
8. Costa Rica
9. Portugal
10. Philippines

The final questions were jokes this year mostly because the judges were not on the same page.  Some of the girls were asked silly questions like, "if you could change places with someone in history who would it be?"  While others received very political questions like, "what would you do to stop a war?"  Seriously I would be pissed if I got some complicated one and the girl next to me got fluff!  I think all the questions should be current events related and they should get rid of all that pageant patty stuff.  In review on the answers:
1. China- I can't even remember what she said so it must have been a stupid answer.
2. Angola- Her smile this her smile that....I don't care about your smile lady.
3. Brazil- I'll give it her she got the hard question about war and she answered by talking about people learning to respect each other.....there was no winning answer but she did good.
4. Ukraine- She had a pageant patty question and said she would be Cleopatra if she could be any woman in history because she was a strong leader.  I thought that was a good response I mean she could have said something stupid like the first Miss Universe.
5. Philippines- She said something about her God being the best God....lame.

Final Placement

4th Runner Up China

I was glad she was my least favorite she was just too tall.  Her dress was bad too, however this was the only picture I could find.

3rd Runner Up- Philippines

She just annoyed me talking so much about God.  This girl is crazy you think she won looking at this picture.

2nd Runner Up- Brazil

I think she was trying to be funny.....like seriously I didn't win....whatever Trump you suck!

Then there were two- Angola and Ukraine

Although Ukraine was not my favorite she was the most beautiful of the finalists.  Her swimsuit walk could have been better but she did great in evening gown.  Her gown was nice I am just over white.  Miss Angola was boring to me; she was missing the wow factor and never grabbed my attention.  In the end:
1st Runner Up- Ukraine

Personally I think she was robbed.....she should have won....period.

Winner- Miss Angola

I am just not impressed like I said no wow factor.  It is said the Trump wanted either a European or African country to win this year because they were so upset that the Latina's dominate the pageant.  Well probably because girls in Latin America prepare for Miss Universe like it's the Olympics.  Leave your politics out of my pageants Trump!

Now let's take a moment of silence for the most beautiful Miss Universe in the last ten years....Ximena.  I for one will miss you....Viva Mexico!

They Say Love Is Blind.....I Would Have To Say I Agree

For years and years you hear people say love is blind.  For a while I thought bullshit how is that possible?  Who would ever want to date anyone they aren't attracted to?  Because naturally I only date guys that I think are hot....but as I have been looking at photographs I realized I have been kidding myself.  I was also a victim of blind love!  Now I would post actual pictures here but Tom would probably sue or have me arrested.  So instead I have chosen to stand in's to play the parts of myself and Tom.  The pictures are no exaggeration.....he really is that unhandsome. 

Yes this is me and yes next to Tom as well as the bevy of uglies he has dated (because I have seen them all and for sure there was no one as cute as me the rest of the bunch resembles different farm animals) well I look like Miss Universe....literally.

This would be the closest thing to Tom I could find....he thinks he looks like Tom Brady but I beg to differ.  Pretty sure Tom Brady doesn't have half the cellulite or stretch marks.  Tom is a "little" thinner but not in good shape by any means.

So this leads me into.....WTF was I thinking?!  Seriously I used to tell this guy he was so handsome?  Hello I had to do the nasty with him!  Not only is love blind but apparently your use of touch is as well because I obviously didn't feel the small woodland creature growing on his face.  To be honest there wasn't even an initial attraction for me at first.  I mean I thought he was good looking in high school and I had seriously just got done dating a hot guy!  So maybe personality does a lot for a person but Tom's personality was mean 75% of the time.  I am pretty dumb founded right now because I have no explanation as to how any of that came about not once but several times.  For him well I am hot but I know we were that couple in the mall that people wondered what is she doing with him? 

I would have married this guy and had to look at wolf pack from the Hangover for the rest of my life!  I wonder if I would have been blinded forever or if one day I would have woken up to the realization that he isn't really attractive at all?  But the amazing thing is Tom thinks he is like the hottest guy on the planet, however I don't think that too many girls just look at him like what a dream boat. Amazing that not only did I let myself get emotionally tormented, become depressed, and desperate for a guy who wasn't even a head turner.  Next time I'm getting someone I can at least look cute in pictures with!

Time to Take a Little Vaca

In the mist of my boredom I decided why not do some research on and then share the top five dorky places I would like to visit in the United States.  Each of those places has a special place in my heart and I think I will see all of them before I die.  Because I mean what is stopping me they are all right here in the U.S. Plus I have a sneaking suspicion that they are all very cheap places to visit.

1. The La Brea Tar Pits - Los Angeles California

How awesome would it be to go to a place where prehistoric beasts met their death in tar!  Seriously a melted parking lot killed thousands of mastodons. COOL!

2. Dinosaur National Park -Vernal Utah

Land of the Lost.....seriously why wouldn't I want to go to a national park that is centered around dinos.  Maybe I could find my very raptor eggs or find a new species! 

3. Salem Witch Museum - Salem Massachusetts

Higher, higher, burning fire, making music like a choir.  First witches are sweet, second I heard this place is haunted.  It's like ghost busters real life and I have always wanted to meet slimer in the flesh.

4. Roanoke Island -North Carolina

The lost colony.....no one knows what happened to the people of Roanoke.  It's a pretty freaky far out story!  They just disappeared and apparently there is a festival here every year that is pretty twisted.  I have to wittiness it with my own eyes.

5. Dinosaur State Park- Rocky Hill Connecticut

It's the dinosaur park of the east coast and I plan on seeing every major dino attraction in this country before I die.  This one has the largest collection of Jurassic fossils in the United States....really I mean who wouldn't want to go to Jurassic park.

So there you have it the top five weird places I want to visit in the United States.  I need some people to go on the adventures with me and I promise it will be a good time!  So sign up and have my people call your people you won't regret it.