Day 18 (life isn't always what you dreamed)

I have been neglecting my blog....it's been a combo of school starting and just being crazy; as well as a moderate depression.  I have just been going back and fourth crying about how in the world my love life turned out to be so ass backwards.  First of all thinking back I was never that girl who wanted someone average.  Ever since I can remember I bragged about how some day I would end up like one of those ladies on real housewives....just living the dream.  I have for the majority of my life been attractive and smart.  I have always drawn the attentions of men.  But why Tom?   Why is he the one who has enslaved my heart?
Tom is neither rich nor is he brave.  He is not the smartest man he is just average.  His looks are not striking in fact his body is much older then he is.  Although at times he showers me with beautiful gifts he is not romantic.  He is nothing that I ever dreamed of, but yet I love him?  I often times lately find myself looking in the mirror for imperfections.  Trying to figure out what is wrong with me and what this man sees when he looks at me.  Tom makes it sound like when he sees me I resemble a monster.
I am sure anyone reading this would say what would I want with such an asshole.  This is a man who emotionally abuses you and you can do better.  Well I have asked myself those very same questions.  It's not like I am in love with his splendors because he is just ordinary....his bank account is not extravagant.  I gave up love letters in French for someone who's idea of fine literature is written by Hugh Hefner.  I wish I had the answers to all of it but I don't.  But,  I guess I am being a little one sided because there are two sides to Tom.  The side that I am so in love with, head over heels is the one that just loves me.  The real me.  The one with no make up, the one who is childish, the one who is hidden from the public eye.  I wish he could be around all the time, but he is not. 
I guess I am a little foolish because I believe that Tom is going to win the battle against his demons.  That then I will win and even though I won't have a million dollar house or drive a Bentley I will be able to just relax and stop acting. Life is so unfair that my dreams and reality are quite the opposite. I am tired of feeling so damaged and I am exhausted from waiting for the good times to start with out interruption. Tom just needs to snap out of it.  For now I am blaming him because I just feel like I can't let go.  Why on Earth did God give me such a man....he should have just left me with the thinker.

Day 17 (theory of the Douche)

I've been thinking a lot the past couple days.  Not just reflecting on the crazy that is Tom and I, but on all men I have been involved with.  About all the men my girlfriends have been with and there is one common bond between them all.  At some point the inner douche has to come out.  Now there are many levels to the douche bag that hibernates inside all men.  It can range from baby douche to ultra douche.   But no matter what they all carry it deep down inside and the douche just fights them to be released.

I typically date in the range of the intermediate to ultra douche.  Let's examine these two specimens for some further understanding.  A while ago I dated a guy named Ken...who like his name sake the Ken doll was pretty dreamy.  He was fun, upbeat, and a major intellectual.  I had a lot of good times with Ken.  I thought this guy probably a baby douche inside....WRONG!  My douche radar was totally off.  Because you see at this point in Ken's life he figured out he was a living Ken doll and his douche was able to feed.  It had grown into intermediate douche with a side of conceded.  He knew he was cute and his douche used it to his advantage.  This fabulous Ken doll was a ladies man!  I couldn't believe it, totally took me by surprise.  In return my inner bitch was released on a scale of ten.  Rule number one for douche bags....jealously always releases a mega bitch.  Lesson if it looks like a douche it's probably a douche.  On the positive I think that ken's douche was sent to douche reform school so it's more of a toddler now.

Tom is my example number two.  He is an easy call for anyone who reads my blog.  An ultra douche on steroids.  But lets us really think what brings out such an ultra piece of shit?  Insecurities make it grow big and strong.  Tom unlike Ken is not the guy you look at and say break me off a piece of that.  He is not particularly good with the ladies or in the bedroom.  So his ego has to compensate some how and that is by being an ultra douche bag.  He has to cut you down and make you feel stupid in order for him to feel more secure.  Which is the worst when it comes to douche bags....the only solution would really be to inject him with pure MD MA.  This type of douche just really needs to learn to love themselves.

So as you can see douche bags come in all shapes and sizes.  You just have to learn how to react to them and always keep your radar on.  Because even that nice guy could be a baby douche....like he might forget your birthday three years in a row.  But, you must learn the douche feeds on reaction so always remain calm.  If you can't beware of what is to be released and what can grow.  Plus you don't want to let your bitch out because a whole new set of chaos will be let loose.

Day 16 (after all tomorrow is another day)

First I want to say who does Tom think he is?  I'm not good enough yet again....well guess what buddy you aren't bringing a whole lot to the table.  What happened to dating I guy that I had fun with?  You know the kind that took me dancing till my feet hurt and gave me a reason to dress up?  I guess I lost sight of all that being consumed by Tom's parasite.  Well guess what he can have his break.  He'll be back begging and I made sure to let him know every single demand I had.  I will not be second choice.

Where does that leave me?  Doing me, letting life revolve around me, not answering to him for a while that is for sure.  I am going to work my ass off in school just like I have been.  So I can provide myself with the kind of life I deserve.  I don't need Tom to take care of me and I never did.  I am going to travel from coast to coast literally and visit all my friends I have missed so much.  I am going to the gym and working on my body.  I am going to do a pageant again so I can remind my self of my outside beauty.

I am done taking care of his needs over mine.  I am not the one who is sick he is.  We can't help those who can't help themselves.  If a poker game is more important to him then me so be it.  Because I am worth every single headache.  I am more then he could ever dream of in a mate.  Someday I am going to be happy and in love with or with out him.  I have lots going for me he was right about that.  Everything I have coming is because I willed it there, because I believed in me.  Does my heart hurt over what is going on?  Yes it does tremendously, I wish our ending would finally be a happy one, but I won't think about that today, I'll think about it tomorrow because after all tomorrow is another day!

Day 15 (emotional suicide)

The worst thing that I have allowed to happen was to let my heart open up to a man who is sick.  Not once or twice but many, oh so many times.  I am the fool for believing that someone who can not function like a normal human being was capable of change.  I closed him off for so long yet I broke those walls down again in so little of time.  I guess blind folds go back on easily.
All I wanted to was to be the happiest of girls and I was but the time was so short lived I think I have all ready forgotten what it was like.  Just more sparkles in my jewelry box. I wish it was so easy for me to repent my love for you.  To act as if it only existed in far away dreams.  In lands of make believe and unicorns.  My eyes instead are swollen for the floods once again have come as they always do.
Yet I know that as soon as I let go he will return again.  Some how the timing is always just right to sabotage all I have worked so hard to accomplish.  All because I want to believe in love and all it's beauty.  Of all the power it has, so much that I will keep killing my soul over and over again.  If you do love me and I know you do....how very sick of a man you are.  Do you not realize what you are doing?  Feeding me poison so that I die in pain and suffering.  Instead you kiss me goodnight.

Day 14 (Just cause my kid has four legs doesn't make her not important)

Today I am dedicating my blog to my pup.  My little frenchie the only thing in this world that is 120% mine.  People often discredit my mothering skills because I don't have human kids.  But in reality I do a lot more for Frenchie then most people do for their five year old.  Which brings me to what happened in the last twenty four hours. 
Frenchie must have got into something because she got sick....the runs kind of sick all over my carpet.  I didn't stress too much.  The carpet can be cleaned no problem I have a long weekend.  But I was worried about Frenchie she never gets sick like this.  I wake up this morning and I go into work, even though I don't want to leave her.  I figure I will check on her in a couple hours at lunch.
As soon as I go into work I place a request for the afternoon off so I can take care of Frenchie if I need to.  I get home and she looks so upset.  I know her tummy still hurts and the pooping hasn't stopped.  So I go back to work and I talk to my boss. I explain to him I need to care for my child Frenchie and I need my vacation request to be granted.  Then I find out later while I am at home that my other two managers were discussing how our dogs are not a reason to take last minute person time.
Well to them I say piss off!  One of them takes of the second his sixteen year old daughter has a cold to take care of her.  The other one just comes in sick to piss and moun.  I don't see or hear anyone saying that almost adult child isn't important.  I guess my point is my dog is my child and sometimes she gets sick too.  She is no less important and I am sorry I have chosen not to add to the over population for the time being.  It's not up to them to decide what constitutes as a loved on and what doesn't.  Plus Frenchie is better then their stupid kids, she never talks back and always eats everything on her plate.

Day 13 (I'd Like To Punch You)

I have had a pretty annoying day.  Between the cold, a broken nail, the dog getting diarrhea, and Tom being a dick I'm spent.  The most annoying thing to me is the lack of common courtesy on Tom's part.  You see Tom once upon a time when he was amazing purchased me a spot bot carpet cleaning machine.  Today when I got home to literally all the shit I thought hey I can handle this, I'll go to the store and get it cleaned up after I buy the soap. 
Oh but as usual life had other plans for me.  The spot bot stopped working properly and I have a big mess.  So I think hmm I'll text Tom and see if I can use his?  Ahh my phone is taking a dump now, wonderful.  I think well I can do this the old fashioned way.  I'll make a phone call, no answer, but hey I didn't get the button.  I try again later and leave a message still nothing.  In the meantime my poor little frenchie is still feeling sick.  I'm afraid she is dehydrating, so I decided to go to the drug store to buy her some pedialite. 
Lately I don't trust Tom as far as I can throw him and since I am on this roller coaster that I haven't completely gotten off yet I decided to take the scenic route to the drug store.  When I take the back way which is sort of a short cut I pass Tom's.  I notice that his lights are on.  So I am almost positive him and the parasite were not on the town.  I start feeling a little annoyed.  Did he not listen to my voicemail?  So seeing that my phone is totally jacked for whatever reason  I proceeded to send an email request of what it was I was looking for.  I am completely furious at this point.
Tom says I act crazy and I love drama.....well this is the kind of stuff that drives me insane.  Not because Tom is playing games more that I think it is rude.  Rude to be ignored when I just need a yes or no answer for a situation I am dealing with.  Rude because I have done so much for him.  Any little thing that he has ever needed from me I have tried to help with.  When he was sad I let him cry on my shoulder.  When he was scared I listened and when he was hungry I gave him something to eat.
Now I sit here and stir.  He may have been out or he may lie and say he was out.  Whatever the case I don't care.  I am just sick and tired of being disrespected.  The email will be there and if he can't even respond to that in 24 hours then I know where we stand.  It is all about him business as usual. It will be time for me to have my voice heard.  I know what I want and I know what I am worth.  I will not have Tom trample all over me like some overgrown elephant.  I am sick of the games and the emotional abuse.  I am a person in this relationship and I need to stick up for me.  Tom will not treat me like some two cent whore he picked up at a poker game.   He fucked it up the first time, I'll take the blame for the second time, now it's down to the final pitch....I'm going to call it on three strikes and we are out.

If I Only I Were Kate Middleton (day 12)

First of all I would like to complain......I have been locked out of my blogger account since Friday!  This is totally ruining my plans of blogging greatness.  But anyway I can't do anything about it, I guess I can just send a hate email to them.

But back to the real story.  I have a ring, it's beautiful, it's the same ring Kate Middleton got from Prince William.  It's not an engagement ring, it is a just because ring.  A right hand ring.  Sometimes I put it on my left hand and day dream.  I think about changing places with Kate Middleton.  About being whisked away by a handsome prince and having all the realities of life disappear.  But, I'm not Kate Middleton I am a regular old person with real life problems.  My ring is just a replica and I my left hand is bare.

Now I am in no hurry to get to the church and become a Mrs, but I sometimes feel sad about how far away I am from that next chapter in my life.  I have always dreamed about what that day would be like, a beautiful gown, a cathedral, and beauty everywhere.  Being so happy that I cry tears of joy.  But then again what girl doesn't?  What girl on this earth doesn't want a happy ending?  Kate and William seem so happy and their love so authentic.  Just think he broke up with her only to come back and ask for her to be his forever.

People will ask me if I think that will happen with me and Tom.  Is he my forever?  Is he my soul mate?  There have been days where I would say I can't imagine loving anyone else like I love Tom.  I would go to the ends of the Earth for him.  There are other days where I would say not a shot in hell.  Right now I am mixed up.  From one hour to the next my feelings for him change.  I don't know how I feel anymore.  This is the person who one minute tells me he wants to love me forever and the next says he wants to banish me from existence.  My emotions are totally screwed up.  How can I think about my story ending in a fairytale when for all I know there is some stranger sleeping in my 700 thread count sheets?

Tom has never betrayed me with another woman.  He has only betrayed my heart with painful words. But, technically he can do whatever he wants and so can I.  Even if Tom isn't my Prince William I shouldn't be thinking about such terrible situations.  I am almost thirty, I should be overwhelmed with love and floating on cloud nine.  When someone asks me if I could spend forever with my man I should be able to say yes, very soon.  I am jealous of my friends when they are so close to marriage just like I am jealous of Kate Middleton.  It is not because I want to get married so bad, it's because I know they are so confident in their love.  I think it's not fair that some people have it so easy and I have to work so hard.  That they get Prince William and I get Tom.  I pray every single night that I get some sort of sign of what I need to do to find my fairytale ending and so far all I have received is a break.  I just want my Kate Middleton moment, my Prince William to secure my destiny whoever he turns out to be.

Day 11 (What if I end up like Taylor)

Today should be day twelve but apparently blogger had some issues yesterday and decided to take a crap.  It has been one of those days where I just feel exhausted.  Partially because I took a wicked yoga class yesterday and my muscles ache terribly.  The other portion is because I have kind of been feeling like Taylor on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills minus the enormous checking account.  I of all people am so outgoing and I love to have a good time.  When I am happy and in love I want the world to know.  I do want to celebrate my life....but with Tom instead I feel isolated at times.
Granted he is a private person but sometimes I just want to scream why!  Tom used to be this fun loving free spirit.  He could have you laughing till you started to cry.  But, lately he has turned into this introverted, judgemental, freak.  I think the other guy is still in there but has been jailed by "the christian" way of life.  Granted the parasite doesn't allow him to drink but plenty of people who don't indulge are still social.  There was a time I didn't have to go to parties alone.  When I didn't have to keep parts of my life a secret.  I miss those times.
I miss dancing until my feet hurt so bad I have to take my shoes off to keep going.  I miss spur of the movement adventures.  I miss care free decision making.  Most of all I miss the person I fell so hard for who only makes appearances on odd dates of the year.  I want that person to be around all the time.  I know there are other options.  They have been presented.  But it is hard when you love someone and you know that just maybe that feeling you felt in the beginning could come back.  Two things have to happen.  I need to make some decisions and Tom needs to be willing to let go and just let life happen.  If not I might just have to take the first flight out..... because this girl just wants to have fun with someone who loves life as much as she does.

Day 10 (everything is dancing)

I was eating peaches today and as I did I started to depart from this world.  I then implanted my self into a land of fantasy.  Everything is made of crystal and beautiful.  The tree branches are constructed of silver and gold.  There he is across the room holding his hand out; ready to dance with me.  I danced and never tired.  I was unaware of the world around me.  It's a strange thing that when everything looks perfect, it feels that way.
I understand now I am once again numb.  I am no longer feeling anymore.  But that is okay, because if I start to think about everything that has happened I might break again.  I can't do that anymore.  The time has come for me to change.  Although I cannot lie to the rest of the world anymore, I can retreat.  I can disappear behind my eyes to that fantasy land where I find so much comfort.  The truth is I am so very afraid.
I am afraid of what is to come even though I sense that it is all going to turn out just as I dreamed, but in a more realistic setting.  I have hurt so much in the past I don't even want to feel a tiny bump on my journey to tomorrow.  I have to protect my heart most of all.  It is still very fragile.  In this setting of beauty and wonder I can also become lost in melody.  The most perfect thing to me is a lovely song and I can feel each note as it flows through my veins.
Each day in my fantasy land as I dance in the most precious ball gown there are so many other perfect things.  The dress is white so it is almost as if it is my wedding day everyday.  My partners eyes are kind and never look empty as Tom's can.  Everyone at the party is there for one reason and that is to see me.  He finally takes the backseat and allows me to have my chance to shine.  I no longer have a clue what is really going on outside.  Yes that is the way it will have to be if I am to change.  I must cope in a new less self destructive way and no one can take my dreams away.  Even more special I can't be judged for them or hurt anyone if I am not fully awake.

Day 9 (What a feeling)

What I hate about being human is that when you are on a low it will suck up your life.  If I were a little woodland creature I would never have stress and I would just frolic in the sun and sing little creature songs.  I would never do crazy things unless it was life being dared to eat twenty four leaf clovers.  So today I woke up and I thought it was going to be just an ordinary Monday.  Same old life same old problems.  But when I looked in the mirror I remembered what I felt like at midnight just a few days ago.....calm like everything in life was just going to work itself out.
So I decided for this whole year I was going to live my life as a woodland creature.  Just saying no to all those things that plague the human world.  I just want to have little woodland creature dreams of being twitterpatted and eating ice cream Sundays.  I want to wake up and smell the clean air and be happy just breathing.  I want to snuggle my little bunny lover when it's cold fur to fur.  I plan on nibbling carrots in the warm sun.  I want to sleep in a leaf and watch the sunset.
I am going to make it happen.  I am going to will it.  I have never seen a woodland creature cry and neither will I anymore.  I feel the best when my heart is full of hope and today the little leak that had me running on empty patched it self up.  We can change if we just try to not think so much.  Any imperfection can be mended.  You just have to be willing to take a risk.  You can't be afraid to just jump into the pond with all four paws.

Day 8 (I think I've Been Glamoured)

There is a special gift that the undead have.....vampires can glamour us.  They could have done it in a past life and then that is how they have a connection to us in our current lives.  I may not be a fairy like Sookie but I know there is something inside of me that my vampire connection craves.  He can't live with out it....I'm his Bella, his own personal heroine.  In each life time we are reborn into something new, at least that what the Hindu's believe.  But no matter what our past follows us.
I believe that Tom and I have spent many lifetimes together.  The reason is I see it vividly in my dreams.  Now we all know that vampires can only come in your house if you invite them....and you can always rescind that offer.  The problem is that once you have been glamoured, even if it was in a past life, they still can invade your heart and your dreams.  Being that Tom is a vampire he has been sick in every single lifetime and found a way to drive me into madness.  A Mark Anthony to Cleopatra never fully admitting his love for me and I not able to live with out him meeting death with a serpents kiss.  Anne Boleyn to Henry the eighth using all my witch powers to capture the king.  He only then made me crazy. I lied so much he cut off my head.  In this lifetime we are more like Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor.  My suffering is endless but yet my soul cries out for him even as the parasite drowns out all parts of him that are good.
The connection you can share with someone is a crazy thing.  But at least in my schizophrenic mind I have found an explanation for mine.  I cannot carry on with anyone else because Tom always comes back to claim what is his....what he conquered with one bite to my neck so many lifetimes ago.  I can only pray to God that finally in this lifetime we can pay attention to the dreams that bring up our pasts and work to try to make each other happy all the time.  Some people would think my hands are blasphemous for typing such a belief, but that's their opinion.  Perhaps those people were dealt a better set of cards while God was playing chess with his creations. 
There is only one way for things to carry on and to not be sad any longer....that is to tell the vampire you know what he is.  Then there are yet two more options.  One is to meet death as I have chosen in several lifetimes or to allow him to bite you again.  If you become one of them, a protege you can continue to live out the rest of this life.  You are their creation and they will do anything to protect you.  Eventually you will meet your end in this life and cross over into the next.  That cycle will continue until your vampire finds his true death and you are set free.  Finally at that point you are fully submissive to God again as you are free of your master.

Day 7 (2011 or bust)

What is in the past can be left there; all the ick and mucking up.  I'm so ready to start moving forward.  I will carry all my good memories with me of course.  But anything else is just a learning experience.  I don't really believe in new year's resolutions but I do believe in embracing change and creating beautiful new tomorrows.  My plans for the year include growth spiritual and mental.  Now that doesn't mean I'm going to be born again but I'm going to finish fixing all those things that I want repaired before I turn thirty.
I am going to kill off Pinocchio number one.  I will not let that crazy side of me destroy my life any longer.  I don't care if I have to poison that little asshole but he has taken his last breath in 2010.  I am ready to embrace me and do all those things that I have been putting off.  Vacations watching a ballet at the met in new york city, laying on a warm beach, and watching the sunset in the mountains.  As for being on the town, I'll save that for when I am in a real town.  Being a grown up and handling my affairs in a grown way is oh so important from here on out.
There are some things I will not change, instead I am going to fight to keep those parts of me alive.  I am a romantic and I will not give up on love.  It is the single most important thing in life, it is the reason for our existence.  It is so beautiful to think about how two people can grow so much and change so much together. I am going to keep increasing my faith in knowing you should never, never, never just say I quit for no particular reason.  I will also never let go of knowing I am a human becoming ever changing and growing into some new metamorphosis.  I know it's OK to make mistakes and to fall down.  I will keep on picking myself up.
I let parts of 2010 kick me when I was down.  I let negativity lead me into endless nights of tears.  I let my own self doubt lead me into moments of insanity.  I almost gave up on love.  I started to forget the girl inside who I took so long to get to know.  But the good news is I am aware of all that and today is the first day of the rest of my tomorrow.....and this lady always gets what she wants.

day 6 (happy new year)

dear diary i wished for a happy new year. i had a year that was full of ups and downs.  when i was on a high it was oh so wonderful.  kisses that made my leg kick back every single time.  then there were days where i would be crying for such a long time that it seemed as if i would fill the house with an ocean of tears.
but we live and we learn.  i learned on important lesson this year and that was how to forgive and how to be genuinely sorry for something.  we make mistakes its all part of being a human being.  the problem is we all dont come to that realization at the same time. it hurts when someone you love is six steps behind you, but we have to understand that eventually they will catch up.
whatever you believe in there is something greater then you that has a plan. you just have to let things unfold.  its hard when you have to let go of control but you just have to do it.  sometimes you have to realize what your faults are and over come them to move into your next becoming.