Dating Horror Stories....Pick a Team Buddy

Now in the last five years I don't have much experience in dating.  I had a boyfriend most of the time or was completely turned off to it. I'm really not into it.  The thought of going out with a stranger who is probably boring just makes my brain bleed.  People will say oh you have to give it a chance or try one of those online things.  No thanks I'm fine with not having a date every Friday and meeting someone online wigs me out too.  Once and a while I get lectured after one too many drinks from a friend about my anti-dating ways and there is a story I like to share.  It's about an experience I had in dating and why it sucks.

During my first break up with Tom I decided to open my horizons up to dating.  I was willing to meet people through other people.  A friend decided to set me up with his buddy, but in a round about way like he wanted us to all hang out and work his magic.  Plus he knew that I knew what this guy looked like so I would have said hell no if it was a real date.  Anyway Shannon was a trust fund kid.  He was dorky looking and socially awkward.  I think he wanted to be a club kid and got stuck in his rave days.  So my friend Dougie invited me one night to Shannon's house to hang out.  When I arrived to my surprise there was no one there but Shannon.  Okay he was a little weird but it was interesting conversation.  I wasn't going to marry the guy and  few free dinners would be nice....plus he was in a party stage like me.

So I hung out with this Shannon a few times and each time he seemed to get stranger and stranger.  I knew the time was coming where I was going to have to say it was fun but all we were going to be was friends.  He just wasn't my type and I wanted to be nice about it because he wasn't a jerk off.  So Shannon invited me to a bar and decided to let his freak flag fly.  There was a meat head who approached the bar in front of us.  Shannon said to me, "Wow that guy is hot!" I thought he had to be kidding....then he said, "what I've kissed a boy, sometimes I get lonely." At that second I knew I had to get out of there.  So I said I felt sick and excused myself.  I never spoke to Shannon again.

The point of my story is.....it was bad enough before when you had to compete with other women for a date but I will not compete with men as well.  This is one of the reasons I hate dating.  I didn't even like this guy in a romantic way and I still felt like a dumbass when all those dates where said and done.  What is this bi-sexual bullshit?  Seriously pick a team!!  A man is either gay or straight he cannot be both.  Until this measure gets cleared up by society every time I go on a date with someone new I am not going to be thinking if I seem desperate for texting him first.  I am going to be wondering if he likes to lick men's buttholes!

Bitchy men belong on project runway not in a sports bar.....or stop being such a coward.

I'm a natural born female there for it's in my genetic make up to moan and cry about stuff.  However I am pretty sure that Darwin would agree with me when I make the statement that men are not supposed be that way.  There is nothing worse then to hear a man cry, gossip, or complain like a woman.  They are supposed to be braver and stronger then that.  Yes it's okay for them to be in touch with their emotions but look if they want to get about set about how scorned they are and how some guy at work really is such a jerk then they should be batting for the other team.  I won't lie my ex Tom used to gossip with me a little here and there but he was one of the biggest cowards I know.  At first it was fun when my "girlfriend" wanted to hang out but after a while it got pretty annoying.  It became even more frustrating when I learned this subspecies of men ran in packs....because the majority of his friends are like broads too! 

Example of a real man.....he has a soft side but you don't see Eric Northman complaining about what Sookie did to him.  Instead he finds the competition and rips their jugular out or uses his mind to find a way to intellectually kill them off.

Example of a girlie cry baby coward man.  I would post a picture of Tom but I don't have time to be accused of stalking today so instead here is Tom Brady being a coward about yet one more thing....oh Gisele she is just so mean to him.

Now don't be fooled ladies the girlie man he wears a disguise so he can get into the sports bar and not get beat up by the real men.  He will act like he is tough by being something like a hunter or acting like a real hard ass.  Then he will open his mouth and start talking a little more.  He is a life hater....his ex-wife did this to him, his life is so hard, and women are idiots they deserve to be used.  A real winner if you don't care about getting beat up when he doesn't defend you when some gorilla man comes at you.  He probably has a lot of lost dreams due to things that were "out of his control."  This guy is all talk no action as well as his friends.  Trust me the pack will back each other up.  Tom's friends love to remind me about what a psycho ex-girlfriend I am and how he never wants to date again because of me.  Seriously the girlie men of the world just need to get over it!  Shit happens and you are not females.  Cry alone and move on because you are supposed to be the stronger of the two sexes.  If you don't believe me stop getting your information from the Bible and pick up some Darwin!

Ladies below there are some scenes of girlie men in action so you can better spot them.

He will probably hang out with girls at least ten years or more younger then him because they lack the life experience to know he is a girlie man.

He will try to bash his ex whenever possible and to whom ever he can a la brad pitt

He will dress in trends that belong to people half his age

The list goes on but I think you all get the point.  Just remember birds of a feather flock together....if your boyfriends friends are douche bag cry babies he is probably one too!



Trump....You're Fired!!!

Each and every single year no matter what is going on in my life there is one thing I look forward to.....the Miss Universe Pageant.  Is that cheesy?  It is just a little but I love pageants and Miss Universe is one of the few places where I think beauty and poise remains.  The women for the most part are actually feminine looking and elegant.  Many people say that the pageant is out dated and it is against the equal rights women have fought for since it parades them around in swimsuits.  Well to that I say it's a beauty pageant!  If you don't like it don't watch it and don't try to compete in them.  Although I have a theory that most women who are anti-pageant are ugly and miserable.  Basically I think that they are haters. 

This year I was ready once again for my Superbowl and I was highly disappointed.  It was the worst example of a Miss Universe Pageant I have seen in years.  Donald Trump managed to bring his own agenda to the stage and you could clearly see it in the results from top sixteen to the finalists.  So you can all clearly understand my anger this morning I have decided to review the pageant for you.

First let us begin with the location....San Paulo Brazil.   I felt like it was the perfect place to hold the pageant.  South America is a huge market for the pageant and Latin countries are obsessed to say the least.  It's tropical, the girls were tan, the venue looked very nice.  However, the entertainment was less then lack luster.  I appreciate trying to incorporate local talent but forcing them to sing in English made the performances unbearable. Then there were the judges and I am not even going to comment on that.....let's just say being one of 50 Cent's skanks does not qualify one to judge Miss Universe...ahhhem Vivica Fox.  Another big disappoint the parade of costumes was once again left out of the opening to instead showcase a bunch of Shari hill gowns.....I think that takes away from the history of Miss Universe....the tradition.

Now on to the top sixteen.  To explain there were sixteen instead of fifteen because one finalist was selected based on fan votes online.  There were many shockers of women not included such as Miss Dominican Republic, Miss Mexico, and many more who were favorites.  The women selected then went on to compete in the swimsuit competition.  This year the swimsuit round was boring, most of the girls couldn't even walk.  There was one standout Miss Venezuela who had the best walk and a rocking body.

Rounding up the Top 16 was

1. France

2. Kosovo

3. Columbia

4. China

5. Angola

6. Australia

7. Puerto Rico

8. Brazil

9. Netherlands

10. USA (some needs to discuss eating disorders with her)

11. Ukraine

12. Panama

13. Costa Rica

14. Portugal (People Choice)

15. Philippines

16. Venezuela 

Then on to evening gown.  The music selection was awful and I don't think there was an elegant way for the girls to walk while displaying the gowns properly.  It seemed very rushed.  The gowns this year all were just blah and I think a lot of them were Shari Hill's.  I am so over her!  Can someone please do something a little more creative.  Australia by far had the worst gown; it looked like something a stripper would wear.  I think that Brazil made the best gown selection, it was bright, fun, and it looked great on her. 

Just look at this thing I think the concept might have been great but it didn't translate.  You can pretty much see her who-ha.  Sorry Miss Australia hated it.

The picture doesn't do Miss Brazil's dress justice but it did look lovely on stage.  Is it the best gown I have ever seen on the Miss Universe stage?  Absolutely not, but it was the best for that night's show.
Rounding up the top ten were:
1. France
2. China
3. Angola
4. Australia
5. Brazil
6. Ukraine
7. Panama
8. Costa Rica
9. Portugal
10. Philippines

The final questions were jokes this year mostly because the judges were not on the same page.  Some of the girls were asked silly questions like, "if you could change places with someone in history who would it be?"  While others received very political questions like, "what would you do to stop a war?"  Seriously I would be pissed if I got some complicated one and the girl next to me got fluff!  I think all the questions should be current events related and they should get rid of all that pageant patty stuff.  In review on the answers:
1. China- I can't even remember what she said so it must have been a stupid answer.
2. Angola- Her smile this her smile that....I don't care about your smile lady.
3. Brazil- I'll give it her she got the hard question about war and she answered by talking about people learning to respect each other.....there was no winning answer but she did good.
4. Ukraine- She had a pageant patty question and said she would be Cleopatra if she could be any woman in history because she was a strong leader.  I thought that was a good response I mean she could have said something stupid like the first Miss Universe.
5. Philippines- She said something about her God being the best God....lame.

Final Placement

4th Runner Up China

I was glad she was my least favorite she was just too tall.  Her dress was bad too, however this was the only picture I could find.

3rd Runner Up- Philippines

She just annoyed me talking so much about God.  This girl is crazy you think she won looking at this picture.

2nd Runner Up- Brazil

I think she was trying to be funny.....like seriously I didn't win....whatever Trump you suck!

Then there were two- Angola and Ukraine

Although Ukraine was not my favorite she was the most beautiful of the finalists.  Her swimsuit walk could have been better but she did great in evening gown.  Her gown was nice I am just over white.  Miss Angola was boring to me; she was missing the wow factor and never grabbed my attention.  In the end:
1st Runner Up- Ukraine

Personally I think she was robbed.....she should have won....period.

Winner- Miss Angola

I am just not impressed like I said no wow factor.  It is said the Trump wanted either a European or African country to win this year because they were so upset that the Latina's dominate the pageant.  Well probably because girls in Latin America prepare for Miss Universe like it's the Olympics.  Leave your politics out of my pageants Trump!

Now let's take a moment of silence for the most beautiful Miss Universe in the last ten years....Ximena.  I for one will miss you....Viva Mexico!

They Say Love Is Blind.....I Would Have To Say I Agree

For years and years you hear people say love is blind.  For a while I thought bullshit how is that possible?  Who would ever want to date anyone they aren't attracted to?  Because naturally I only date guys that I think are hot....but as I have been looking at photographs I realized I have been kidding myself.  I was also a victim of blind love!  Now I would post actual pictures here but Tom would probably sue or have me arrested.  So instead I have chosen to stand in's to play the parts of myself and Tom.  The pictures are no exaggeration.....he really is that unhandsome. 

Yes this is me and yes next to Tom as well as the bevy of uglies he has dated (because I have seen them all and for sure there was no one as cute as me the rest of the bunch resembles different farm animals) well I look like Miss Universe....literally.

This would be the closest thing to Tom I could find....he thinks he looks like Tom Brady but I beg to differ.  Pretty sure Tom Brady doesn't have half the cellulite or stretch marks.  Tom is a "little" thinner but not in good shape by any means.

So this leads me into.....WTF was I thinking?!  Seriously I used to tell this guy he was so handsome?  Hello I had to do the nasty with him!  Not only is love blind but apparently your use of touch is as well because I obviously didn't feel the small woodland creature growing on his face.  To be honest there wasn't even an initial attraction for me at first.  I mean I thought he was good looking in high school and I had seriously just got done dating a hot guy!  So maybe personality does a lot for a person but Tom's personality was mean 75% of the time.  I am pretty dumb founded right now because I have no explanation as to how any of that came about not once but several times.  For him well I am hot but I know we were that couple in the mall that people wondered what is she doing with him? 

I would have married this guy and had to look at wolf pack from the Hangover for the rest of my life!  I wonder if I would have been blinded forever or if one day I would have woken up to the realization that he isn't really attractive at all?  But the amazing thing is Tom thinks he is like the hottest guy on the planet, however I don't think that too many girls just look at him like what a dream boat. Amazing that not only did I let myself get emotionally tormented, become depressed, and desperate for a guy who wasn't even a head turner.  Next time I'm getting someone I can at least look cute in pictures with!