Time to Take a Little Vaca

In the mist of my boredom I decided why not do some research on and then share the top five dorky places I would like to visit in the United States.  Each of those places has a special place in my heart and I think I will see all of them before I die.  Because I mean what is stopping me they are all right here in the U.S. Plus I have a sneaking suspicion that they are all very cheap places to visit.

1. The La Brea Tar Pits - Los Angeles California

How awesome would it be to go to a place where prehistoric beasts met their death in tar!  Seriously a melted parking lot killed thousands of mastodons. COOL!

2. Dinosaur National Park -Vernal Utah

Land of the Lost.....seriously why wouldn't I want to go to a national park that is centered around dinos.  Maybe I could find my very raptor eggs or find a new species! 

3. Salem Witch Museum - Salem Massachusetts

Higher, higher, burning fire, making music like a choir.  First witches are sweet, second I heard this place is haunted.  It's like ghost busters real life and I have always wanted to meet slimer in the flesh.

4. Roanoke Island -North Carolina

The lost colony.....no one knows what happened to the people of Roanoke.  It's a pretty freaky far out story!  They just disappeared and apparently there is a festival here every year that is pretty twisted.  I have to wittiness it with my own eyes.

5. Dinosaur State Park- Rocky Hill Connecticut

It's the dinosaur park of the east coast and I plan on seeing every major dino attraction in this country before I die.  This one has the largest collection of Jurassic fossils in the United States....really I mean who wouldn't want to go to Jurassic park.

So there you have it the top five weird places I want to visit in the United States.  I need some people to go on the adventures with me and I promise it will be a good time!  So sign up and have my people call your people you won't regret it. 

LOLZ of the Day

Today I woke up extra sleepy.  It was one of those nights where you know you had some really prophetic dreams but yet you remember nothing!  I did not want to get out of bed and noticed I some how set alarm number one a head by an hour.  I was thinking I really need to get a good laugh today.  Then I came across my LOLZ of the day.  If you know anything about me it's that I really do not care about other people's opinions about anything....I hate haters.  You may also know a little story about me, my ex-Tom, and how turkey's were always a sore subject creating serious issues between us.  Thus I almost peed my pants with delight and laughter when I seen this....

Take that Tom!  Talk all the crap you want.  Banish me from your life.  Get me uninvited to events.  Call me whatever you want.....but even the Turkey knows you are a HATER!!! LOLZ

This particular funny led me to find there are many in the animal kingdom that are victims of hating just like me besides our friend the Turkey ( who I am positive resides in a hollow tree) including:

The Puffin.....thanks to the idiots on the girls next door he is now mocked by his neighbors for his increased popularity around morons with fake boobs across the globe.

The cat who is sick of everyone hating on him for killing cardinals....he can't help it he is a Cubs fan!

 The Turtle.....he is sick of everyone hating on his bling.  He can't help it he got a fat deal playing Mr. Slowski.

 Finally the Hamster is sick of all the haters.....just because he drives a sweet Kia and you have a POS!  So the moral of the story is people need to quit hating because the cool people who don't care about your opinions are laughing....because it makes for great LOLZ of the day!!!

Please Feed Off Me!

So I have quite often been attracted to the philosophical type of guys (minus the last big mistake but hey we all have to learn).  There is nothing like a hot nerd smoking a French cigarette and talking Keats or Communism.  It really gets me floating on air.  You know the kind of guys who are too cool for God and wearing underwear.  Lately Television has satisfied my need for intellectual intercourse in the form of vampire Eric Northman.  I can't really stop thinking about Eric and his level of hotness lately at all.  I find myself googling when I am supposed to be working or looking for hot scenes on you tube.  What I love about Eric is that he is this savage Viking but yet he is so wise.  You would never know it from first sight watching him hang at Fangtasia using people for what they are worth and discarding them like the worthless maggots that they are.  But, there is a soft side to Eric that has made me fall for him....maybe it's because he lost his memory. 

I mean look at this sexy vampire bitch!  He cleans up so nice and look at those blue eyes.....I mean you can't help but want him to hump you.

Then there is that lean body!  The chest the abs......he is not too buff and not too skinny.  He is just how I like my men....do you people question now why I can't stop thinking about my hot vamp!

Only a guy that says something like

"Such a strange sensation when the reality matches what you've pictured in your mind so precisely."

would be the kind of guy I would fall for and be able to keep be drawn in forever.  So basically my one true love is going to need to be Eric Northman's human counter part......big shoes to fill.

Oh The Places I'll Go

Today is a totally worthless day....well boring day anyway.  So I decided to start researching some of the cities I am thinking about relocating to.  Now I know I said that I was moving a million times but I wanted to be secure in a job and be stable before I left the mitten.  Then I got caught up with that "local" boy who would have been happy in Wyoming Michigan for all eternity.  So lets review my options.

1. Chicago Illinois

What's not to love about the Windy City!  The Cubs, the Bears, the Bulls!  It's by far my favorite city and there is something new waiting around every corner.  The food is awesome and so is the music scene.  It's like New York with a little Midwest charm. 

2. Seattle Washington

 I have never been there but it just seems cool!  It rains a lot which would be awesome for my writing.  The music scene is off the hook.  It is also home of the first Starbucks and Nordstroms.  The bay looks stunning and it's a young urban city.

3. San Antonio Texas

I love San Antonio!  The river walk is one of my favorite places in the country.  It's so southern and charming.  I love that Texan women pride themselves in their big hair and shiny jewels. The food there is awesome as well and I wouldn't mind being able to eat at Mi Terra whenever I pleased.  It's also warm so I could say good bye to snow!!!

4. Boston Massachusetts

Ok I am not a red soxs or patriots fan however Boston has a lot of history.  I love that there are so many colleges there which would open up a ton of options for jobs.  I love that there is a harbor and it is right smack near the ocean.  There are parts that are very New England and I love the Kennedy's.

5. Portland Oregon

I have never been to Portland either but I hear it is very liberal.  What would I do to be surrounded with a great view and tons of hippies! There is a lot to do in the area and I keep going back to how green it is.  It would be a huge change but possibly a welcomed one.

The next five are runners up, just places I am pondering but really don't know much about.  Or I like them but they aren't in my top five.

6. New York, New York

7. Providence Rhode Island

8. Denver Colorado

9. Portland Maine

10. Washington DC

Some of the places I chose for the remaining are totally out of my comfort zone, but why not!  I'm ready for an adventure away from home and any place will be more exciting then Grand Rapids.  Plus the IChing said I need to cross a great river to be prosperous and with my true love.....let's do this.

Oh Kim K You Let Me Down

Oh the summer breeze, such romance, such happy times.  The perfect time for celebrity weddings.  The most notable this weekend Miss Kim K and Humps.  I was dying with anticipation to see the photos.  Would it be everything I would imagine that big ass to have on her wedding day and more?  Sadly it was not let's say so far I am very disappointed.

There she is the blushing bride and what the fuck is she wearing on her head?!  It was noted that one of the guest said she looked very Armenian.  That is the worst compliment ever!  It meant they had nothing nice to say.  Let's just analayze the items I was disappointed with as of today.  First lets talk about the color scheme it was black and white with a splash of no color.  That is right no accent the cake even had black frosting.  I happen to love wedding cake.  But, if a cake had frost that resembled a new born baby's turd no thanks.  Also how boring and not creative can you be....it's played out Kim.

The next thing would be Humps.  Who's bright idea was it for him to wear a white tux?  I'm sorry but white tuxes scream sixteen year olds at prom.  It just looks awful in the photos and does nothing for him.  On to Kim K......boring.  There was not a single thing exciting about her Vera Wang.  The head piece was the worst.  It looks like she borrowed it from the belly dances at her favorite Armenian restaurant carousel.  Oh and yes I watch the show that is how I know where they eat.  But any way I hated all of it.  Her planner and publicist showed both be fired and I was much more impressed by Khole's wedding.

However never fear the British have saved the summer.  Because no matter how tacky and unfun Kim K's wedding was we can always look to fabulous WAG Abby Clancey and her picture of wedding perfection. Look how distinguished Peter looks in his black tux.  Leaves you thinking Kim who?

The best kind of gifts are written

Over the years I have received many beautiful gifts from boyfriends that came and went.  Tom would even let me make a list out of the Tiffany's catalog.  But out of all those things I got over the years the best gift anyone ever gave me were letters.  For a while I missed placed all those hand written notes.  I missed them too each time I got something shiny I thought about them. 

Not that long ago I found them again.  Some of them were very long while some were just a few sentences.  On stationary and on post its each one of them had thought put into each word.  I could read them over and over again because they are honest.  So many memories and times I almost forgot about.  The feeling that you get on some one you care about writes you a letter is exciting.  They are what being happy is supposed to feel like. 

I want more letters.  I even want the ones I have to use an online translator to read.  I want double of the ones that leave me thinking.  I never want to give them up again.  The best thing about letters is that you always have to option of writing back.  Then you have those special moments where you both know, but no one else does, and you don't need to talk about with each other.  It's a little special secret.

I might be a little snobby....but I can't help it alligators are cute.

I have had many encounters in life with other human beings.  Some of those situations I found to be quite pleasant and I thought hey that was a great conversation.  Others I though wow I think I just lost a a brain cell trying to figure out what the fuck they were talking about.  I had a lot of those moments this weekend.  I have been feeling down in the dumps a lot lately due to the surrounding circumstances of life and if you don't read my blog I'm not about to rewind so go back use your brain, do some reading.  So Friday I decided to treat myself to a little shopping.  Retail therapy always makes me feel better.  I needed a big pick me too I have about a million bridal showers and weddings to go to in the next sixty days.  So I had to prepare myself on the outside for the emotional abuse I was about to suffer on the inside when people start looking at me and say, "oh well you will meet someone some day."  Really they are thinking inside their head that I am pathetic and must be lonely.  Yeah I can read minds I'm part fairy like Sookie Stackhouse.

The good news well I had some great luck with my shopping.  I found some really beautiful pieces including a white eyelet maxi dress at Banana Republic.  On a side note there are always hot guys in that store, yes they may be gay but hey you can always look!  I was ready for shower number one on Saturday dressed just like the perfect real housewife.  I was a little nervous about this one since Tom had me uninvited to the wedding; I didn't really know what to expect.  To my delight it went great!  Everyone was quite interesting and I was pleasantly surprised to be cheered on by the bride.  Seems to be she thinks I'm too good and too pretty for Tom herself.  She pledged her allegiance to the other team.  Not that it was a huge deal but hey it made me feel good.  It also made me take a side note should I ever become a wizard not to bind myself to Tom and perhaps it would be a better idea to feed him to a Kraken.

The night continued on and I went with my friend to a birthday party. As soon as I heard some of the surrounding conversations I knew that I was going to be completely disengaged from the people around me.  It was a big let down seeing that the previous three hours went so well.  Number one I was surrounded by hair dressers.....not that there is anything wrong with all hair dressers.  I know some really nice ones in fact one of my good friends is one and some smart ones.  But in my experiences the majority of them are idiots.....this was no exception to that rule.  The first one entered into a conversation I was having about WOW and an old boyfriend.  She naturally had to divert the conversation to something hair related.  So I thought fine I will dumb myself down to her level and I proceeded to talk about bangs.  She had some and her hair looked like shit.....yet she felt the need to lecture me about not knowing a thing about fashion because I don't know about bangs, since I don't do hair (she was right about that part because I pay someone to do that for me).  OK snob moment but for about what seemed like forever I just stared at her like she had a huge wart on her face.  Was this broad serious?  She was lecturing me about fashion but she looked like she got dressed in the dark.  I had to take a deep breath and think don't say anything mean she can't help it her IQ level is lower then yours.

I knew I had to get out of that place and my smarter friends were hungry.  They convinced me to try this local hole in the wall Jose's supposedly they had the best Mexican food in town.  I already knew before I got there I was going to be disappointed.  As we arrived I noticed another one of the "hair girls" and he man were joining us.  Awesome I was sure I would get to listen to more stimulating conversation!  As I reviewed the menu I was disgusted by the slop that they were trying to pull off as food.  So I clearly stated this isn't authentic.  Hair girl number two practically jumps at me "where did I think I could get authentic food then, what is authentic, don't I know different families have different recipes, didn't I know that the taco shells had to be ordered a certain way?"  I wanted to shake the shit out of her!  First of all why would anyone who is clearly not Mexican try to explain to a Mexican what is authentic and what isn't?  An idiot that is who!  I had to tell her I was pretty sure there are not any families in Mexico who use a whole lot of cheddar cheese on anything "authentic."  I was completely annoyed and every second I stared at her face I kept thinking about how stupid she sounded.   So I was a little bitchy to the server, I was hungry, the food tasted like shit, and I can only handle so much non-smart conversation over a course of five hours.

I left there feeling like I lost a few brain cells that night.  It just made me think about how people will come and go from your life.  Some will make an impact and others will not....clearly hair girl one and two will be easily forgotten.  It also made me realize how much I have been changing over the years.  While I am still a snob and I still love to wear Lacoste with pearls I can't tolerate a whole lot of ignorance anymore.  I need more from conversation then hair extensions and feathers.  While I don't expect all my friends to discuss CNN with me I like that the majority of them do.  Stupid is as stupid does.....and if stupid is you there is the door or hand me my earmuffs.

You were never a boyfriend, you were an emotional blackhole

It's now early August, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing.  This time last year I swore I was one of those birds.  Unfortunately I didn't realize that we are supposed learn from our mistakes and by forgetting my lesson I was being tugged into an emotional black hole.  I have told the story so many times that I can't count about how Tom managed to rip every bit of happiness out of my little heart.  He is like on team Cobra in the game of relationships.  I started to think about him today because I was recalling how last week he had me uninvited to a wedding.
Ah yes he who has done the right thing cannot bare to see me.  Should he be faced with that torment he will resign from his best friends wedding.  Let us not forget he did threaten to get a restraining order on me to protect himself from my dangerous mind.  He's a bigger fruit loop then Toucan Sam.  Now don't call me Miss Cleo but I figured this idiot was going to pull a stunt like this.  As a preventative measure I sent him an email two weeks to address these nuptials stating I was not going to avoid any disruption for the bride and groom.  Naturally he didn't not respond and apparently he cannot read English because he still found a moment in time to have a panic attack over it.
A couple of months ago all of this would have made me sad.  But, the things that men do never cease to amaze me anymore.  I think it is quite humorous and I will share why.  The only reason people avoid other people is because they know that they have wronged them.  If he was so right in the way he handled us what is the problem?  It's a little word call GUILT.  Tom knows he was wrong and if he sees me the price he paid for being selfish is right there in front of him. 
I sincerely hope it eats him alive at night when he is trying to sleep.  Maybe it will make him go overboard on one of his parasites.  Either way whatever it is that is making him have a fit over me is awesome in my opinion.  This emotional black hole he sucked me into has been eating away at me for over four years and I am ready to find a way out of the worm hole.  So Tom I know a scientist and he has Morgan Freeman on his speed dial.  I'm about to be rescued.  So how do you like them apples?