The Biggest Wish

As I sit here alone yet one more thanksgiving eve.  Another one where we are having irreconcilable differences I feel very bland and sad.  Today I felt very alone all afternoon.  I want answers but not a single person on earth can give them to me right now.  The empty feeling drove me to go to confession.  I thought perhaps if I am absolved of my sins I will feel better.  While I was there the priest said to me in regards to my relationship that we are dishonest when we feel that we are not safe.  A woman who is with a man for five years who leaves her ever six months must feel like she is very much in danger.  So she must first remember she is not alone because God is always with her and loving her.  Then she must fight for what she wants and she must make that very clear to the man because only then with change come and will life move forward.  A man's Faith is what allows him to make the leap.  If that Faith is in no one but himself he will remain in the same spot for all eternity.  Then he asked me what is it that I want?

I never really think about what I want.  It is always about what can I do to make our relationship better.  It's about what I can do to make him happy and to keep him from running.  But there are things that I want from him.  First and foremost I want him to stop running and fighting our live.  I want him to be able to see me and love me so hard that it frees him.  Then I would like to be married in a beautiful church.  Promising God that we will love each other through all of life's trials. I would also like to have children together.  A family of our very own to raise together.  To give all of the love that we can possibly can to them and watch them grow up.  For us to be together in love always.

So those are the things I need to ask him for and I need to pray to God to give me strength to request.  If our love is meant to be then it will.  But what I want this forever it's not coming easy.  That means I need to believe in something and have Faith as well.  I can't keep falling or I will never be on my feet long enough to catch my dreams.

Life is Dysfunction Naturally Love Follows Suit

This isn't going to make a whole lot of sense I am sure.  I haven't been able to eat for a few days thanks to the flu.  My brain feels like it is going to explode.  Oh and where is my one true love?  No where to be found.  Much too busy tending to things that important men who have no life do.  While here I lay suffering in agony.  I know I have messed up my relationship here and there.  I know in general I can be a fuck up but I just want to say GET OVER IT!!!!

Yeah get off your high fucking horse and get over it.  We are human beings and we screw up.  Matter of fact you have screwed up on several occasions.  What did I do?  Well I cried about it and then because I love you I released that shit to the abyss.  I didn't have a damn attack about it that was never ending and bring it up ALL the time.

Here is the deal I know we love each other.  We are the most selfish people in the world and the fact that we even would buy the other a soda is something.  No one else out there will ever put up with our shit.  Don't be afraid of the dysfunction because that is who were are as human beings.  We are the type that messes up A LOT.  But love is stronger then all that shit and it is what matters.  What matters is we are a team.  We are a family and fuck I don't want to lose that.  I want to blow up shit with you.  I miss you.

Those are all the things I really want to say to him, but I don't.  It's because I am afraid.  I don't know from one day to the next if I am going to lose him forever.  It's always different from him and I am scared to take the risk that I will never feel his love again.  I really pray I am saved from this dysfunctional existence and we can move on together. But until then I have to pass out again.....I'm too sick to deal with any of this.

Limbo or Purgatory.....It Doesn't Matter It Still Feels Like Hell to Me.

Webster's dictionary describes limbo as a region or condition of oblivion or neglect.  It uses the example, "Tom left Sally's position in limbo for months before making a decision."  Suddenly I realized my heart was in limbo and it has been for two months now.  Every day I wake up and I read or hear about someone else and the realm of happiness that they are living in.  For a while I have thought I must have done something very terrible to be in this relationship purgatory, struggling each day, waiting for God to forgive me, to grant me entrance into heaven and all it's glory.  But as I sat around trying to figure out all the things that I did wrong and how to make them right it dawned on me that maybe I was not being punished by God.  I was being held captive in limbo by the man I loved with all my heart. 

Currently I live my life very similar to the way a bird does that has had its wings clipped.  They are long enough so I can flutter about for a bit but they are cut so I cannot fly away.  He will give me months, weeks, or moments of happiness.  Enough to perk me up and not realize I am in a trap.  Then just as quickly as he swept me off my feet he smashes me down like a bug.  Most people would have escaped this limbo which feels so much more like hell on Earth by now.  But I have not.  I sit stagnate unable to move and I am often having difficultly breathing.  I am filled with so many feelings.  The ones that electrify me intensify the love I have for this man. The feelings of warmth are then followed by feelings of anger and frustration.

One day he thinks I am the most beautiful woman in world and the next he does not want to acknowledge that I exist.  I am left so confused I cannot decide if I should run or not.  Well let me be honest I don't want to run because I am a fool for loving him so much.  I just settle on the fact that happiness and heaven will never come to me.  That this is my life and there is no escaping it.  So every night I get on my knees and I pray to God.  I beseech him that he please answer my prayers and release the love I know we have from this limbo.  To let us be happy, to give me a reason to brag, and smile.  But each day that I continue to suffer I feel like I have to fight harder to have faith.  I just don't know how much longer I can wait for a miracle.  So if there is a God and he has heard my prayers I very humbly ask him to please come to my aid, to our aid.  If love is true should he not guide it in the right direction after all?