So in less then a month I will be thirty and I am kind of not happy about how things have unfolded over the last year. I don't think it has to do with aging but more of a how shitty can life be type of disappointment. I started twenty nine victorious after years of searching I finally felt like I knew me. I was confident in who I was and I wasn't going to let anyone kick me when I was down ever again. Although, there were some struggles at the beginning of that summer nothing was going to beat me, because I was falling in love all over again. For the second time with the one who broke my heart and I thought this is right now because I am so good with me.
Every morning I woke up and welcomed the sun. Everything I wanted I got because I went after it and grabbed it by the balls. My heart was floating on air and I felt like I was in the most perfect dream. Even my career goals were falling into place and I was invited to be a part of a school I always wanted to go to. It was going to be a beautiful holiday and finally it was happening for me. But my happiness was temporary and the rest of twenty nine got shot straight to hell.
People say you can't teach and old dog new tricks. I should have known better then to trust Tom again. As fast as I was swept off my feet I was kicked to the ground. Everything start falling apart. Tom picked fights with me and gambled more then ever. I was not getting any of the attention that I was used to and became consumed with crazy. I started acting out, lying, pouting, and yelling. It was like I was a kid jumping up and down just trying to get some one to notice them. As I started to lose in love the other parts of my life started falling apart the seams.
It's really depressing when someone you care about unloads all their shit on you. Especially when they are sick as Tom is; suddenly it is all your fault. I became the destroyer of the relationship he blames me for where we are at right now on me. It hurts more then anything I have ever encountered. When your partner is feeling something those feelings rub off on you. My own ship started sinking along with his. Some people will say he is playing games to keep himself able to manipulate me. But, I don't agree because I don't think he really knows what he is doing. His body is on auto pilot and the real Tom is locked in there; he can't escape.
All the chaos it makes me lose sleep and I have no motivation. To everyone else I feel they look at me like I am foolish. It is my fault and I should have known better....I am too dramatic. But I was never acting and they way I feel is very real. I feel like I am in mourning because that guy I loved so much is dead and I will never see him again. I'm just a little bird who has had her wings clipped; there is no escaping this funeral. I start hating everything homework, dealing with people, and going to work.
I have to snap out of it and carry on with things. Life can be good and will be great again...it is so crazy how one person can flip your life upside down with the snap of two fingers. I can't start another birthday with the attitude nothing will get better. Yet how can things turn out any worse. Feeling love is the most beautiful feeling any human being can have and I am worthy to feel that way again. Nothing will ever happen if I don't take charge; opportunity is out there in all aspects of my miserable life. I deserve to wake up everyday thinking life is wonderful. I want dancing in the moon light, reading together by a fire, and someone who doesn't take my loyalty for granted. I don't think I believe Tom will win his battles with his demons anymore....I think they beat him. For this new decade I am about to enter I know I will be on a new road. Will there be more disappointment of course in at least one category. But I am going to make my wish so powerful it will undo all of this negative. I will finally find the leoplorodon at the end of the rainbow. Basically it is all going to work out.
