I would normally post some witty picture at the start of this story but I am not feeling witty at all. I feel defeated, I feel vulnerable, and I feel weak. Just when I thought life was on the road to wonderful something awful has to happen to put me into a time machine that takes me back to a time of suck. I'm not going to even touch on the stresses of life I am dealing with that are normal family, school, or work. It's a whole separate area of my life that is fucked.
I have told myself over and over again that I am strong and that after everything I have been through I wouldn't shed a tear over this situation again. But, because like he says I must have been lying as usual because today I let it get to me. I cried.....for several hours. It's frustrating when there is someone in your life who you have loved so much that it hurt; because they don't really love themselves. I know deep inside I didn't do anything wrong today. I know that I have been nothing but friendly and lent an ear to listen. Tom can't stand the peace and he always has to do something to wreak it.
I thought if something like this happened it was going to be over something huge. I was wrong, it only took a single sentence, that was it. I feel like complete shit now. I didn't ever want to revisit all that stuff that got left behind. I liked my friend Tom, he makes me laugh, that was what I was missing. Then little by little and inch by inch the doors of communication started to open again. I guess I didn't really know where it was going. I felt like I was driving, taking the road I wanted. Taking things head on one day at a time. Was I expecting some great romance to happen with some dramatic ending? Tom isn't romantic so no. I was expecting that we had both grown into adults and valued things about each other. It wasn't clear just how we were supposed to fit into each others lives.
But after today I think I have realized that maybe I am not that girl who is ever going to get anything easy. Perhaps it's not in the cards for me to live in a house with a white picket fence or go to kids dance recitals. The bridal showers they won't ever be mine. Because I love the ones who are broken. If it's not Tom's dysfunction I am dealing with well it's just someone else. I am the worlds most stupid woman for having a soft spot for him but I can't help it. We have been to hell and back together....I will always love him. That is why it breaks my heart to hear him share the things he does and them know he can crush me at any second. It doesn't matter if we are lovers or friends. If I am the target that day watch out. Maybe he had a bad day or maybe he is running from life. I don't really know because I am not him and honestly I am not trying to judge him at all.
What I am really doing is just taking a look at my life and thinking about why this is what I have been dealt? There is only one thing, a single thing that I want. It's to be happy, most of the time. Everyday doesn't need to be sunshine and flowers. It's time for all the shit to end. It's just every time that I get it excited that it does I am right back where I started all over again.
