Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
Love can be one of the most confusing feelings we will ever experiance in life. This is especially true when you fall in love with a complicated person. One who's mind is only clear for short periods of time and can never decide if his love for you is the real thing. If life were a fairytale this confusion would be cleared up with a magic spell and little birds would surround you as an embrace happens and you kiss. I dream about that a lot. I dream that a magic wand has come in my possession and I have magically answered every question in his head and he is finally able to make a final decision to just jump in with both feet. He never looks back or thinks about the what if's because he has finally surrendered himself to love.
Over the past five and a half years I have experianced moments of great joy and devestation with him. I have experianced rebirth and loss. We have laughed and we have cried. We have been apart and we have been together. Even though he broke my heart time and time again. Each time he came back riding on his white horse to rescue me.....I fell deeper in love with him. The world thinks we are crazy and no one wants to listen anymore. We, him and I, exist in our own alternate reality and no one really understands. He is often lost and cannot decide which direction he wants to take. He doesn't want anyone's help even though his mind is cloudy. I stand watching praying each day for an answer for his mind to be completely open.
My heart has a special place for him and at times I even question why? Maybe it is because I once had a part of him growing with in me and when it was gone he was all I had left. I can always hear his voice or remember his smell just by closing my eyes. But the question has finally come up where I am asking myself....is love going to be enough? I am at a place in life where just existing together isn't fofilling my soul. I want to be more secure in what we are.....I am ready to be a wife. I am ready to wake up together every single day and take care of one another. I am ready to be a mother, to watch our children grow, and to celebrate them. The romantic in me thinks maybe it's finally time and it's really going to happen for us. But the reality is I am more unsure then ever.
He says that I know what I want because the truth is that I do. I would give up essentially anything for life long happiness. But, he is still unsure.....the boy may not be ready to be a man. He says he cares for me more then he has cared for any other human being. But, he still just can't give up his old life for me. He wants to be sure, he wants to give me a 110%. I guess knowing that he is really considering that maybe I am the one should make me happy and reassure me of his love. He sounds honest and genuine for almost everything he is trying to communicate. But, then that evil side has to say hello.....what if he takes another girl out, what if I am not what he wants? What will I do? Most people will say he is a man and trying to find reasons not to commit. But they aren't living my life and that is one of the scariest things I have ever heard from a man who has never betrayed me in that way. My gut says it's all nonsense but my street smarts say watch your back.
Now he says I have a decision to make to stay or to leave. It would be an easy one to make if I had a crystal ball to tell me what was going to happen. I have a mambo who tells me to always listen to the voice inside because that is my spirit guides telling me what to do. The speech could have been a message from God who wants me to learn what it is to have Faith. To have Faith that he wouldn't allow me to hurt again and that everything will work out. That my fairytale will come true. So now the question is do I take a risk on love with the world's biggest risk taker? Is life really a gamble?
