Day 5 (oooh da la lee)

If you know what the future brings then how do you still manage to make a mess out of your life?  That's easy you didn't pay attention and that is why when I get my mambo on the phone I write it all down.  Today I had reading to for see what is to come in 2011.  A girl who is finding her grounding and aiming high when it comes to love and happiness.  That was pretty much the theme.  That life would become whatever I made it.
I got some good stuff about travel and spending time with friends. But I also got a lot about me and Tom.  Rule number one.....do not go crazy on, drunk dial, or attempt to cry on new years eve.  I learned tonight that what ever your mood is at midnight will set the mood for the rest of your year.  So if mope around and play a heartbroken drama queen that is what will happen sorrow in 2011. It's not going to be easy, I am more upset that Tom and I aren't spending that night together more so then the fiasco that was Christmas.  I just wanted a New Years kiss.  Is that too much for a girl to ask for? 
Tom is at a crossroads but he is stuck.  He can't move forward into commitment, marriage, and children.  But, he can't move backwards, letting me go, being finished with us.  He is stuck and has stuck me there with him.  He doesn't know what he wants to do with  me.  Tom loves my voice and my sweetness but he feels betrayed by my psycho twin that is inside my large intestine.  He of course wants me perfect.  But he needs to be in control like Darth Vader.
Now I have a choice to stay there with Tom or to run far away as far as possible.  I'm choosing to not think about it.  I am going to instead plan my days for me.  I will try to change my bad habits and wake up each day smiling.  I will be a ball full of positive.  I won't cry anymore.  Tom can stand there for a little while longer because I am highly entertained.  Maybe I will take a vacation.  But I'm not ready to quit Tom, he is some one special inside.  If only he could keep that guys motor running.  I'm going to feed him rainbows and care bears grown by my laughter.  If you keep pumping some one with those kind of anti-depressants they are bound to snap out of it.  On that note I'm done saying I'm sorry because I already have and it's in the past now.  It doesn't need to be brought up again.  The only thing of yesterday that needs to be remembered is that first awkward winter break kiss.....

Day 4 (What would Jane Austen Do?)

For the last month I have been acting like a character from the O.C. more then one out of Jane Austen novel.  Me and Tom became the Heidi and Spencer of Michigan.  I'm just missing all the plastic parts.  All the arguing, the lies, and the blaming.  But, I never wanted to remember our affair like one that comes on bad reality TV.  I wanted things to play out beautifully, like a Jane Austen novel.  The ever so proud Mr. Darcy and the prejudice Miss Elizabeth Bennett.  A relationship of love and hate but that played out like a beautiful melody.  But you can't have something so elegant when you run around acting like Hollywood trash.
You cannot play the role of Elizabeth Bennett if you are missing your backbone.  Mr. Darcy didn't fall in love with her because she was the most beautiful or sensible woman.  She intrigued him with her Independence.  She stood up for what she believed in and never took his shit.  Elizabeth Bennett always kept it together.  Those are the same reasons I always intrigued Tom, because I didn't need him.  But I started to lose that Jane Austen flare.  I let Tom and his Parasite consume my life.
I believe in true love more then anyone could ever imagine.  I know that everything happens for a reason.  You can't control who you fall in love with.  Sometimes things are easy like a fairytale.  Boy meets girl, they court, fall in love, and marry.  But, in my reality I have more of a Jane Austen situation.  Is it going to end in a romantic rain storm in a gazebo or will it end as Jane Austen's life did?  Her with out him but loving each other from a far.  I can't really say; but it is better to have lost at love then never loved at all.  Today I hopeful that my Jane Austen novel will find it's perfect ending; no matter what that end turns out to be. 

Day 3 (liar liar pants on fire)

Wow I must be the most screwed up person in the world.  Tom only had to reinforce what my shrink has already told me.  My coping mechanism are all backwards.  You see some people spend money, some people drink, and some people do drugs.  There are some people that even become suicidal.  What I do is almost worse then any of those things; I tell lies.  Depending on how crazy my life gets those lies can be at the same level as Pinocchio at his most unflattering moments.  I did two things today. First I went to a parasite support group.  The reason I attended is because I had to figure out what Tom did that triggered my lying to him.  I know what my family does to me that gets me going, they nag on me about the way I spend my money.  The way I live my life.  What triggers my lying to Tom is his parasite.  The funny part about that is Tom told me the secret to killing it today.
To kill the parasite you have to put it in it's place.  It's that easy.  But I don't do that; I walk on egg shells till I drive myself crazy because I don't want to push Tom away.  The egg shells start to hurt and then the word vomit starts.  I start telling stories about small things like turkey's living in hollow trees.  But then the lies go out of control.  Let me tell you if I said I stole the constitution I would make sure to prove it.  Then it upsets Tom and fuels his parasite and I'm sitting there like an idiot.  Like gee Rockey why don't you trust me?
What is screwed up even more so about what I do, especially in the case of Tom, there are life altering situations that he would never co-sign for me on.  Tom may never believe me that I carried his son for eighteen weeks because my mental instabilities have made me lose my creditability.  Who can trust Pinocchio?  I feel like a goblin.  People let them hang around cause of their magical powers but really who wants to love a goblin....they can't be trusted.
My shrink and I just discussed yesterday how my lying is not the best coping device for me to be using.  He told me I had to man up to my lies and I had to apologize to the people I have lied to.  That once I feel like an ass for the way I acted I would be more apt to correct that behavior.  Since Tom and had this as our hot topic of discussion tonight I decided to start with him.  I sent the longest email I have ever written.  I said I was sorry for everything.  If he forgives me it might help him with his parasite issue.  If not the parasite keeps winning.  Tom wants time and space to grow into a better more rounded human being.  Maybe I need the same thing.  But in agreement with my shrink I have to right my wrongs of the past to be able to look forward.
He also told me another secret; that my will is great and one of life's mysteries.  That I willed him back into my life and so it happened.  The problem was I didn't will for our problems to disappear so I didn't will things right.  But whatever I will he knows some how happens.  That made me feel empowered to know that my life is going to turn out exactly as I want it.  That no one person will stop me from having anything I want.  But I have to do something about the ick.  Or what ever I will is going to end up tainted.  On that note I am committed to me to clearing out the ick.  To kill off Pinocchio just as Tom is in the final countdown with the parasite. 
Will I ever go back to the parasite support group?  I am not sure. Tom says, "if I'm not around why do you need a support group." Ding and the parasite scores.  I felt like it was a little too religious for my liking.  But I will keep going back to my shrink and I will keep handing out my apology cards.  I'm going to shed that crazy person that lurks inside me....I think she lives in my intestines cause ewww what else but shit could live in there?
Besides the lies the only other thing I need to fix in my life is how I feel about my miscarriage.  I was three years ago now.  I don't think half the people in my life even knew about it.  I pushed Tom out from being involved and I thought I was doing the right thing. I wanted him to get involved later and it was too late.  The baby was lost my stress overwhelmed my little body.  For the last three years he doesn't completely believe I was ever going to give him his son.  Why because I have gone through such extremes to tell lies about bullshit.  Cause instead of poppin a xanax I gotta discover a new species of dingos.
The feeling of loss hasn't really affected me till this year.  I don't know if Tom triggered it or if I finally couldn't live in denial anymore.  But what is eating me alive is the fact that I am dealing with the loss all by my self.  Tom will have nothing to do with it.   Even after presenting documents he doesn't believe me.  I have offered to take him to the doctor and he won't go.  Even if it isn't supposed to work out with me and Tom I don't think it's fair.  Why do I have to carry this burden all alone?  Is God punishing me for my lying to cope with reality?  I am frustrated that I am trying to make things right, my lies, my short comings, but the one thing I really want to fix feels so impossible.  I wish I had a xanax now.  I want to be numb I want to go back to my happy place with out having to make up some elaborate story to be there.  If I wasn't a little liar, a little scam artist, I would be in one of my constructive happy places; snuggled up in my blanket, laying in Tom's lap, hugging my puppy Frenchie, and him petting my hair, smelling me making memories.

Day Two (Decisions Decisions)

Being a grown up has become my own personal hell.  Everyday I have to make a decision.  I have to decide to get out of bed each morning and go to work; when really all I want to do is lay there and sleep.  I haven't slept much at all thanks to Tom's parasite.  We are supposed to be on this vacation from each other so he can be cured.  The parasite treatment doesn't allow visitors.  But I'm still restless at night all the thinking about why this is happening again and what I should do.  It's just never ending but what really burns my ass is how one single person resulted in so many extra decisions having to be made.  How one thought being planted was like feeding Tom's parasite steroids.

I'm not great with decisions, I once had a friend in my life her name was Patty, and I had to make some decisions about her.  You see Patty was the kind of girl that was sugar on the outside but nothing but rotten guts on the inside.  The real her was that muck that is leftover when you kill a vampire; True Blood style.  Everyone told me about Patty they said you need to make some decisions on that girl...she will burn you.  I didn't think about how when she was not even yet eighteen she broke girl code and fucked my first boyfriend.  I forgot about those days.  Then little by little truths came out.  How she betrayed me over and over again in the same nonchalant manner that she would use with her husbands.  The final straw came when like a modern day Josie with the pussycat I found out she helped give fuel to Tom's parasite.

 She made me out to be just like her to him.  Nothing but a common mans psycho whore.  She said I could never give him sons because son's don't grow in the wombs of witches.  She told him I betrayed him.  That I was nothing more but a modern day Anne Boleyn and I should be sent to the tower.
But what Patty didn't know is that I was finally on to her.  I learned in my past life should a king want to take your head, even if he is mad with parasite, if you can present your case with the truth you could be forgiven.  I could give the king sons should my life not be a swamp of chaos and I had the documents to prove it so.

I had won a small victory against the parasite and I had finally made a decision on Patty; to kill her off like the fucking wicked witch of the east.  In the end the decisions I made weren't about me or Tom.  They weren't about Patty and her stupid dreams of greatness.  They weren't even about that parasite I want to vex into the trenches of hell.  The decisions I made were for my son.  Because my son would have been immune to the parasite of his father, he would have grown to be a handsome prince, and then a great king.  Think about it would Princess Diana have ever let anyone talk shit about William?

Day #1 (Insomnia)

I can't sleep again.....Tom is sick.  In fact his sickness is more of an injury....one that is almost like a cancer that comes out remission whenever it feels like it.  It eats away at his brain like one of those worms on that show monsters inside me.  When it comes around he can't think and it starts to eat away at his brain one cell at a time.  That means Tom is out for the season.  That parasite that creates the injury typically likes to first take a bite out of the cells that make him compassionate to the feelings of others...me in particular. 
Tom forgets how to speak English and starts speaking a language I like to call bullshitsinism.  He will call you to come closer only to say your scent reminds him of day old hot dog water and pickles.  Tom hates pickles, he throws anything with pickles away....outside.  He becomes two people King Tom the lion hearted and King Tom the Cobra.  Snakes are the assholes of the animal kingdom and I happen to have a phobia of them.  So when King Cobra comes out naturally I freak out and typically end up crying cause I am terrified.
Then maybe an hour or a day will pass and the parasite falls asleep after a vigorous meal.  Guess who comes along?  My Tom the lionheart, the champion in my world.  The one who always makes everything OK.  I take it all in; the softness of his voice, the delicate smell of his shirt, and the warmth of those big fuzzy paws that are around me.  But when he is injured and that parasite comes back he doesn't sleep for long.  Eventually my lionheart makes his appearances less and less until he is almost erased.  King cobra Tom sinks his venom in me over and over again until I am so weak I can't eat or sleep.
He banishes me from his kingdom.  He tells me those who he does not love can never return.  It is really hard to breath because of all of the poison so I can really say anything back.  But just before all hope is lost.  As I gather my papers and bits from about the little cozy den I turn around and Tom the Lionheart is behind me.  He promises the injury will eventually heal and I can come back again.  But I have to leave or surely I will die.  The treatment for the injury must be taken alone, behind closed doors, it is something I cannot be a apart of.  Most people will think how kind, but the problem is this: I am left alone, full of venom, and there is no saying how long it will take to kill the parasite.  It could be year, a month, 3 months, or ten days.  That gives me the opportunity to run but it's hard when you know such a brave lion will be there when it's all said and done.  The world is cold and I want to be warm.  So as of this moment I sit and I try to figure out if I want to petition God for something, just how do I pray?