White Boy Problems

Men have problems just like women do.  Some of the things that we would never think they worry about they do.  But there are a specific group of issues that can be summed up under one Urban Dictionary term and those are White Boy Problems.  These are issues that often frustrate women.  They also raise a lot of questions with non-white boys who simply cannot understand this method of thinking at all.  To them White Boy Problems translate to being a coward.  If you don't think you have ever had to deal with White Boy Problems I am sure you probably just over looked them.  This can typically happen if you are a white girl who has never dated a non-white boy.  For you it's just the way things are, it's not your fault, you were raised on it, and of course you wouldn't know any better.  Unfortunately for the rest of us IE: a Latina like me these problems are not normal to us and they are enough to drive us a little crazy.  It's like there should be a guide book on how to translate and understand White Boy Problems for us.  It's not racist or anything....plus there are plenty of books out there on dating black men, Hispanic men, Arabic men etc.  Until then here are a few White Boy  Problems that are very common as a beginners reference brochure. 

Problem #1 Momma Drama

First of all I am not talking about "baby momma" problems those are more of a problem with us ethnic people.  I am talking about the White Boy's actual momma.  In a minority household we do sometimes create Mommy's boy's but eventually those boys grow up and discover vagina.  Therefore they will put that before their mom's because it is so awesome.  Not white boys!  What happens when a White Boy falls for a girl his momma doesn't like.....nothing.  He won't say, "mind your own mom that's my lady."  Instead he will let his momma bully him often to the point of letting go of the girl because he couldn't dream of upsetting her in such a way.  He doesn't stand up to her even though he wants to and if he does he will end up calling her to say sorry a million times.  You may not even ever find out he stood up for you.  He is miserable just because he can't cut the apron string.  White Boy Problems!

Problem # 2 Anxiety Attacks

Stress is enough to make a White Boy cry.  They don't handle it very well and struggling is something they aren't really sure how to get through.  Sometimes it gets so bad they might commit suicide.  Think about it how many minority men kill themselves over work stress? Barely any do.  Girl problems, family problems, issues with their kids; all things they just don't know how to deal with it.  They just can't deal with other people.  They need to take time alone to find themselves.  White Boys don't want to talk about anything but they want to deal with everything 110%.  However that involves facing reality and that isn't very popular with White Boys.  In a minority family everyone would tell the guy to suck it up and be a man.  Not White Boys.  Some of them will have to get medicated and others will let it break them.  Either way it's confusing and it doesn't make sense.  White Boy Problems!

Problem #3 Popularity Issues


White Boys don't like to have conflict and they want everyone to be happy with them all the time.  This affects all decisions that they make in life.  They are so worried about what everyone else thinks about what they are doing it will stress them out (see #2).  It's all about keeping a smile on everyone's faces.  They don't want to loose popularity at work, with friends, or at home.  White boys will dump girls they love, pick up hobbies they hate, and follow politics they don't understand just to be part of the in crowd.  They have an inner need for approval from the masses in order to function.  It's really girlie and stupid but it happens everyday.  White Boy Problems!

Problem #4 The Madonna Whore Complex

Most guys out there want a lady in the streets but a freak in the streets.  Let's face it guys like sex and if a girl can keep them satisfied she is a keeper.  Well that is not always true when it comes to White Boys.  The CRC has raised them to think that lustful sex is wrong.  Freaks they have been taught are bad news.  So if they are getting too much enjoyment from their lady friend they will start to question it.  They will beat themselves up because this is a bad thing and no open should be so comfortable with their sexuality like that.  A White Boy will even not marry a woman because the sex was too good.  There has to be something evil about it and God would never reward them for being such pigs.  Never mind that there is probably just chemistry which is a good thing because that is pretty much anti-cheating insurance.  White Boy Problems!

Problem # 5 Feelings

There are two types of issues when it comes to White Boys and feelings.  The first is they are too in touch with their feelings.  They cry too much and it just gets to be a little much to deal with on a day to day basis.  While it's great to hear I love you there is a point when it can be overboard.  Hello what kind of guys turn into stalkers?  White Boys!  Then there are the other White Boys who don't want to express themselves to women.  They will tell everyone else how they feel about her but won't say a word to her about it.  Not a call, a text, or an email.  It's like they think women have esp and know what move they should make next.  They use their friends as messengers and never get down to the business of explaining how they feel to the women herself.  In minority cultures if you want a woman, even if you messed up with her before a man will say to her, "Hey baby I was thinking about you and you're it."  Oh no not White Boys they will just wait for some kind of Divine intervention to make everything fall into place.  Often time it doesn't and they are left alone wondering why?  White Boy Problems!

The problems I listed are just a few of many White Boy Problems that exist.  They were just the top five that I have encountered in life.  It is all very confusing and there is no way to figure it out over night.  If you love a White Boy and think you are alone when you are going over these same things in your head; you're not.  There are tons of us out there just as frustrated and confused as you are at this very moment.  Also don't go asking your Black, Latino, or other minority guy friends for advice.....they won't get it.  They will just say that he is a coward and you shouldn't give him any attention.  It's a better idea to ask your White Boy friends.  They understand and relate to all of these issues.  The advice they give will translate much better.  So when it comes to White Boy Problems just take a deep breath and relax......it's not you; it's them.

Go With Your Gut and Read Between The Lines.....Always

Life is always going to throw you curve balls.  A lot of times you will have a gut feeling that just tells you something isn't right or something is going to happen.  Then other times there will be signs around you that act as predictors of what is to come.  Other times there were warnings but you gave them little attention; you neglected to read between the lines.  Suddenly something happens and you think I knew it....why didn't I listen to myself?

Whether you were blinded by love or you just were trying to avoid the obvious there are a myriad of reasons you ignored that little voice inside you or why you didn't pay attention to the warnings the universe was throwing out at you.  But, they were there and you are beating yourself up over it all.  Paying attention to the details and why it's important is a lesson we all learn at some point in life.  Sometimes we have to learn it more then once.  All of this came to mind because this weekend I had a friend who found herself once again in such a situation.

She had a bad break up with her ex-boyfriend and she wasn't looking for love.  In walks a nice guy who she normally wouldn't pay attention to and she decides to give him a chance.  Immediately there is an issue with an old flame and it's an obvious give away to his true person.  He assures her it was nothing, she gives him the benefit of the doubt.  She ignored the sign that was presented to her.  Fast forward to the past weekend.  He is out of character by ignoring her and something inside keeps telling her this guy is a snake.  She ignores it. Calls start coming in that he was out with someone else and chaos breaks loose.  She realizes her gut was right, the signs were there, and she didn't listen.  It all could have been avoided.  If only she just trusted herself.

That is just one example of many that happen everyday.  In my own life I recently came across an old email from Tom. He sent it to me last December right before the big explosions started and I am willing to share. 
The background is it was an email I sent him about shoes he was looking for and this is what it turned into.

December 13, 2011

Tom "You know I love shoes. Not sure if I can pull off the twill ones. But you know me I will rock anything you buy me.  You might not want to keep buying me shit.  Your going to be extra pissed when I leave for another year or three."
Me "I'm not sure if I'm going to buy them captain buzz kill, i was just trying to get some ideas.  Id be a little nicer if i were you don't forget who takes care of you. You are getting older and the days of needing your ass wiped are closer....you already have a bad back. "
Tom "That's fine I have my mom around for the next few yrs.  Don't worry ill always keep you on call."
Me " I know your moms around, she always has been.  Id have double the work if she wasn't. But she cant provide all the services i do :) you are just like the kanye song, you love i do everything u want but u hate it at the same time. Granted i have some flaws but so do you. I understand you feel the need to shit on me once and a while and there is no point in getting upset. You are lucky, you don't see me begging for a ring or babies like most girls. I'm a good catch u would be lucky if i agreed to be yo baby momma again lol"
Tom "Good.....so your saying you will be o.k without me again for a few years? I'm glad you are getting use to getting shit on and just take it in stride.  I don't like shitting on you I just have uncontrollable bowel syndrome that makes me shit on people."

I should have read between the lines.  I should have recognized the signs.  Tom was telling me exactly what he was going to do.  Instead I wrote it off as a joke with my responses and I put it in the back of my mind.  I didn't take the opportunity to prepare myself for an assault.  Maybe things would have taken a different direction if I did....not that the relationship would have been saved, but maybe I could have saved myself a lot of explosions, episodes of acting like a lunatic, and heartache.  However, I did not do anything of the sort.  I forgot all about the email until I came across it recently.  It was like a light bulb went off in my head.  This was his plan and this is how he feels he controls us and our future. 

Both of these scenarios represent situations where life lessons have been learned.  There is nothing more powerful then instinct.  After all we are human which means we are animals.  Our gut feeling, ability to see the signs, to look deeper into something those are gifts we are given for survival.  Never again will I ignore what the universe is trying to show me.  That applies to every area of my life.  When you just know something is going to happen more then likely it is going to.  It's time to open yourself up to trusting you.

Break Up, Make Up, Break Up, Make Up: aka Mr. Big Syndrome

Every girl in America knows the love story.  Carrie meets Mr. Big and he perplexes her so much she falls in love.  Mr. Big loves her, he breaks up with her, he loves her again, something is missing from her, he breaks up with her again, she moves on, he breaks up the relationship, he loves her again, something else goes wrong, he breaks up with her again.  They are friends, they hate each other, everyone is frustrated with Big and rooting for Carrie.  They love each other again, he tells her, he takes it back.  She moves on, it goes wrong, Mr. Big rescues her.  He finally decides to marry her, it's too complicated he backs out, then changes his mind.....now it's forever.

While the Carrie and Mr. Big love story has inspired women all over the world to believe that love finds a way and that not everyone gets their happily ever after so easily; it has also done something for men.  It's made it okay for them to have a little something called Mr. Big Syndrome or MBS.  We are in an age where men think it is perfectly normal for them to put a woman on hold not once but multiple times.  That is because he believes thanks to Carrie Bradshaw if she is his she will always be his.  He has a built in radar that detects when she maybe happy or moving on and "shits on it" like Carrie once said by offering his love and I'm sorrys only to repeat the same pattern.

How do I know so much about MBS?  Well it's because I have realized I have found myself in a MBS situation. Let's rewind for a second to a few events past.  Break up with Tom number one.  Things are going fabulous, I am supportive, although immature, but confident in my relationship.  Bam MBS break up excuse number one: Things happen fast and unplanned.  I never got to court you and you don't look the way imagined my wife. I go on drinking binges with friends and Tom gets the chance to date "an idiot stick figure with no soul."  Although stick figure she is not nor is she attractive....actually she is kind of a secret.  I date a couple Aidan's here and there.  Tom does not like this....on goes the radar....he's back.  A few months of bliss follow but MBS can't resist itself.  Break Up Two: You have everything I want in a wife but something is missing and I need to find the person with that piece.  Seriously....it's like real life sex and the city with not as awesome clothes.

Result Tom goes on sabbatical aka his "Napa."  He does come back shortly for his "heart surgery" aka birthday month.  But like Mr. Big his heart closes back up.  So I continue to live my life.  Just as things are starting to settle into place.....buzzz there's that MBS radar it's flashed him a warning.  Suddenly the inner circle of friends is blasting with MBS talk from Tom.  He could see himself spending his life with me.  It could work out.  He wants someone a little more reserved.  He wants someone that puts him in his place.  He misses me so much.  He can't dare call.  He is upset I'm on the town.  This part of the MBS cycle requires him to get approval from "the girls" to go after his Carrie.  However, this cannot completely happen until the MBS radar goes into code red.....I have to find a ballerina to move to Paris with of course.

Of course this is real life and not a movie so I can't depend on a Carrie Bradshaw ending.  But just these few examples prove that Mr. Big Syndrome is real and if affects men everywhere.  Men with MBS like Tom think that it's okay to go back and fourth with a woman for a very long time.  They can justify it with all the crazy thoughts that go through their head.  But, what they don't realize is that women watch sex and the city.  That makes us on to their game.  We know the pattern of MBS will not soon come to an end if we do not address it.  Either at it's next grand entrance we either need to put Mr. Big in his place or banish him forever more. Whatever your decision is when it comes to your own MBS situation remember this: You must tell Mr. Big I have had it or it's time to cut the bullshit.  I am the best you will ever have and you obviously cannot replace me.  The game ends now and you will give me what I deserve or the game ends now and you will stay out of my life.  You have to banish MBS like a ghost forever......

I Love Being a Domestic Goddess......So What If It Sets Women Back 50 Years

Every day when I get to work I get to listen to the women complain about their husbands and boyfriends.  About all he does is complain and how they can't believe what they expect them to do.  Then they start complaining about how all these men want is sex and they are too tired for all of that.  After work I come home and often times talk to my friends and they start complaining.  These girls are so pissed because they walked in on him jacking off or they are sick of getting asked for blow jobs.  I'm left very confused because I don't understand or relate to their problems.

It's not because I'm not married or that I don't have any kids.  It's because I don't think they are doing their duties as women.  First of all I presented a coworker with a response to her complaints today by asking, "why don't you try cooking dinner all week and see how things will change...I mean you are the wife."  She responded by telling me I was crazy and no working woman has time for something like that.  I beg to disagree it's not that hard to do your duties.  When Tom and I were together I cooked three meals a day often with dessert.  If it was going to be a busy week I would prep out breakfast ready to go, snacks, and meals with heating instructions.  I would like to add I was working forty hours a week and going to school full time.  I made sure if it needed to be at his house for certain days it was there.  I made sure both of our homes stayed cleaned and were decorated properly.  I did laundry, folding, and ironing at both.  I was appreciated for what I did and that is why I would get rewarded.

As for the lack of sexual satisfaction with their men I think that they are making huge mistakes by not taking care of that.  Men love sex and if you know what you are doing then you should love sex too.  Let's face it men will stray if they get bored in the bedroom.  We also need to realize that men masterbate.  They love making love to themselves.  Why not encourage it?  I think it was one of the best things I did allowing openness about wacking the monkey.  After that men love blow jobs.  Now this is your oppertunity to shine because if you can give him the best he has ever had he will love you forever and if he tries to leave he will always come back.  It's like insurance you just have to do it.  Then the sex.....I don't get it.  Why wouldn't you as much as possible whenever you have time.  If you have kids it should be even more exciting when you get a chance.

Just to finish things off I don't get how everyone is so damn tired.  From what sitting at a desk all day and not doing manual labor?  I am a very lazy person but I don't think it's a good excuse.  It takes 30 minutes to cook dinner and even less time to put out.  So maybe my thinking is a little 1950's, but there was also a lower divorce rate back then.  Some things should never be changed.  It was the best thing I ever did in a relationship.  It makes me very irreplaceable unlike the modern woman. A man should be the king of his castle because that is the only way you can ever really be a queen.

All Cycles Have An Ending....Even Bad Ones

In my last Yoga class of 2011 my instructor said, " All cycles come to an end.  We must stop being who we were and change into who we are."  I thought about what he said later and I teared up a little bit.  I would have to say that 2011 will be chalked up as one of my top five worst years so far.  It was partially the events but more so that those events made me come face to face with the losses and sorrows of the past.  I think it was because a lot of the situations I was in were reminiscent of those terrible ones that happened before.  Inside of me I carry around a lot of shit.  I am not the girl who shares her feelings or that cries in public. As we all know you can't hold everything inside; eventually a person will explode and all hell will break loose.

The shit I carry in me is a lethal combination of family dramas, believing in a man who deep done inside doesn't believe in himself, and the loss of a brother as well as a child.  I held on to the shit because I don't fully understand the way it makes me feel.  Family is necessary because they are the people who care for you most but I hate that their self destructive ways pour over into my life.  Love is our purpose on Earth.  To fall in love with a man who you know is good but refuses to fully evolve into his true self; a side maybe you have only seen it hurts your heart and fills a person with frustration.  Loss is the most complicated because I really believe with my brother his time on Earth was done and he is in a better place.  Yet it doesn't seem fair.  Loss of a child I never met is the strangest struggle and one I don't understand at all.  I am not a kid person and everything does happen for a reason.  But sometimes the loss pains me, I feel guilt, and I feel empty that I think that I carry that burden alone.

All of those things caught up with me last year.  The situation with Tom was the straw that broke the camels back.  I blacked out and I honestly sometimes try to remember the things that I did but I can only think of maybe two.  I have a feeling there were a lot more.  I wasn't myself and maybe at times when all the chaos was happening my true self was in a coma.  I just couldn't handle all the curve balls and the awful things that life was throwing at me anymore.  Was I to be denied everything including love?  There were days of no rest, of paranoia, of sadness, of rage, and even ones where I felt like I was staring at a blank wall all day.  Towards the end of the year I started to balance out....there was less and less shit to be released.  It was all out in the open and I felt like a crazy person.

It was a cycle in my life I had to go through and it's over now.  I am coming out of it thinking much more clearly.  There are things I still struggle with and some days I have to take a deep breath to just relax for a moment.  I am a more mature person now and I believe in the power of life; the universe.  Everything does happen for a reason and eventually when you are ready the pieces all fall into place.  There are things that happened last year that I will never allow to happen again and lessons I learned to better handle situations.  I learned with family it's better to just stay out of it.  It's also better to not worry so much about pleasing them and more about what makes me happy.  The same goes for friends.  It's my life and I will do with it what I see fit.  When it came to love and Tom as soon as I seen he was still struggling with himself I should have said, "take some time because I need you to be 100% because I don't want only 50% of you."  I should have released him before it got toxic again.  If it's meant to be with some one it will work out.  Maybe his sabbatical would have ended in a month, maybe he would still be on it, maybe I would have met someone new.  There's no telling......but soul mate decisions aren't meant to be ours; the universe will work that all out for us.  What is to be will be.  It is all predestined.   Loss is going to be the most complicated to deal with and the best I can understand so far is if I feel like crying I need to cry and if I need to talk I should talk.

So I am starting 2012 with no expectations except that things are going to get better.  The puzzle pieces are going to slowly start fitting together.  It's going to happen for me.  It being that next stage of my life.  I am more confident in me, a human becoming, a person who makes mistakes, sometimes very big mistakes, a person who believes that dreams come true.  I am have forgiven my past and those who hurt me in it.  I can hope those people start letting go as well because shit is not fun to carry around.  I refuse to give up on love and I'll keep climbing the ladder.  I know that I have a lot of value and worth as a partner but I cannot make someone value me until they do the same with themselves.  I know which direction to choose at the fork in the road and  I am excited to do it.  There will still be hard days, nothing will happen over night.....but I have hope and faith.  It is all going to turn out just fine.  The old cycle has ended and a new one is only just beginning.