The Last Unicorn......

I want to actually dedicate this blog:
To the men out there who have had a woman who loves them, the real them and would fight for them.  Don't let her slip through your fingers because one day she may find the strength to walk out the door.
To the women out there who loved these men that let them go and were able to walk away I wish I knew I had your strength.

I want to save my relationship with all my heart and soul.  I really do.....well what is left of it.  I am not sure how much can be salvaged since it is currently a fragment of what it used to be.  What's strange is I am no stranger to this place of heartache.  I have been here a couple of times before.  Why?  Because when he lets me love him and loves me back it is beautiful.  Maybe I am a masochist or something.  Either way this relationship limbo that I am currently living in is like pure hell. 

But something has changed this time.  I am feeling broken down and I am tired.  I have been fighting for us and believing in us for over five years.  My heart is starting to give out and one by one the cells in my body are shutting down.  I don't really think I can do this anymore.  This back and fourth from joy to sorrow.  This months of agonizing about what is wrong with me over what is wrong with him.  This time I wanted to know what his problem was....according to the internet it's clearly bipolar depression.  There are women all over the country with stories just like mine, in fact they are identical.  The roller coaster never ends for them unless they get the medical help they need.  I don't know that I really believe that will ever happen.

I'm going back and fourth in my mind over the pros and cons of everything everyday.  I am so sick of crying and something has got to give.  Part of me says it's time to throw in the towel to walk out the door for the last time and not to look back.  But God only knows how bad that will hurt and I don't know if I am strong enough to do it.  Then the other part of me says that love conquers all.  That I should not take any action, all the pieces in the puzzle will fall together very soon.  I cannot just give up hope.  I can't abandon the cause I have championed for so long now.  If I only knew which path was the right one to take.  If I could only see which tomorrow would be the most beautiful.

The Biggest Wish

As I sit here alone yet one more thanksgiving eve.  Another one where we are having irreconcilable differences I feel very bland and sad.  Today I felt very alone all afternoon.  I want answers but not a single person on earth can give them to me right now.  The empty feeling drove me to go to confession.  I thought perhaps if I am absolved of my sins I will feel better.  While I was there the priest said to me in regards to my relationship that we are dishonest when we feel that we are not safe.  A woman who is with a man for five years who leaves her ever six months must feel like she is very much in danger.  So she must first remember she is not alone because God is always with her and loving her.  Then she must fight for what she wants and she must make that very clear to the man because only then with change come and will life move forward.  A man's Faith is what allows him to make the leap.  If that Faith is in no one but himself he will remain in the same spot for all eternity.  Then he asked me what is it that I want?

I never really think about what I want.  It is always about what can I do to make our relationship better.  It's about what I can do to make him happy and to keep him from running.  But there are things that I want from him.  First and foremost I want him to stop running and fighting our live.  I want him to be able to see me and love me so hard that it frees him.  Then I would like to be married in a beautiful church.  Promising God that we will love each other through all of life's trials. I would also like to have children together.  A family of our very own to raise together.  To give all of the love that we can possibly can to them and watch them grow up.  For us to be together in love always.

So those are the things I need to ask him for and I need to pray to God to give me strength to request.  If our love is meant to be then it will.  But what I want this forever it's not coming easy.  That means I need to believe in something and have Faith as well.  I can't keep falling or I will never be on my feet long enough to catch my dreams.

Life is Dysfunction Naturally Love Follows Suit

This isn't going to make a whole lot of sense I am sure.  I haven't been able to eat for a few days thanks to the flu.  My brain feels like it is going to explode.  Oh and where is my one true love?  No where to be found.  Much too busy tending to things that important men who have no life do.  While here I lay suffering in agony.  I know I have messed up my relationship here and there.  I know in general I can be a fuck up but I just want to say GET OVER IT!!!!

Yeah get off your high fucking horse and get over it.  We are human beings and we screw up.  Matter of fact you have screwed up on several occasions.  What did I do?  Well I cried about it and then because I love you I released that shit to the abyss.  I didn't have a damn attack about it that was never ending and bring it up ALL the time.

Here is the deal I know we love each other.  We are the most selfish people in the world and the fact that we even would buy the other a soda is something.  No one else out there will ever put up with our shit.  Don't be afraid of the dysfunction because that is who were are as human beings.  We are the type that messes up A LOT.  But love is stronger then all that shit and it is what matters.  What matters is we are a team.  We are a family and fuck I don't want to lose that.  I want to blow up shit with you.  I miss you.

Those are all the things I really want to say to him, but I don't.  It's because I am afraid.  I don't know from one day to the next if I am going to lose him forever.  It's always different from him and I am scared to take the risk that I will never feel his love again.  I really pray I am saved from this dysfunctional existence and we can move on together. But until then I have to pass out again.....I'm too sick to deal with any of this.

Limbo or Purgatory.....It Doesn't Matter It Still Feels Like Hell to Me.

Webster's dictionary describes limbo as a region or condition of oblivion or neglect.  It uses the example, "Tom left Sally's position in limbo for months before making a decision."  Suddenly I realized my heart was in limbo and it has been for two months now.  Every day I wake up and I read or hear about someone else and the realm of happiness that they are living in.  For a while I have thought I must have done something very terrible to be in this relationship purgatory, struggling each day, waiting for God to forgive me, to grant me entrance into heaven and all it's glory.  But as I sat around trying to figure out all the things that I did wrong and how to make them right it dawned on me that maybe I was not being punished by God.  I was being held captive in limbo by the man I loved with all my heart. 

Currently I live my life very similar to the way a bird does that has had its wings clipped.  They are long enough so I can flutter about for a bit but they are cut so I cannot fly away.  He will give me months, weeks, or moments of happiness.  Enough to perk me up and not realize I am in a trap.  Then just as quickly as he swept me off my feet he smashes me down like a bug.  Most people would have escaped this limbo which feels so much more like hell on Earth by now.  But I have not.  I sit stagnate unable to move and I am often having difficultly breathing.  I am filled with so many feelings.  The ones that electrify me intensify the love I have for this man. The feelings of warmth are then followed by feelings of anger and frustration.

One day he thinks I am the most beautiful woman in world and the next he does not want to acknowledge that I exist.  I am left so confused I cannot decide if I should run or not.  Well let me be honest I don't want to run because I am a fool for loving him so much.  I just settle on the fact that happiness and heaven will never come to me.  That this is my life and there is no escaping it.  So every night I get on my knees and I pray to God.  I beseech him that he please answer my prayers and release the love I know we have from this limbo.  To let us be happy, to give me a reason to brag, and smile.  But each day that I continue to suffer I feel like I have to fight harder to have faith.  I just don't know how much longer I can wait for a miracle.  So if there is a God and he has heard my prayers I very humbly ask him to please come to my aid, to our aid.  If love is true should he not guide it in the right direction after all?

The Narcissist and The Story Teller a Love Story?

Before I can begin this little story which today will not be a real "story" but the truth on my actual reality I think I need to give a little explanation of what the narcissist and the story teller really are....

First the Narcissist (His Illness)
Narcissists do not feel good about themselves so they need a perfect person to bring them to a higher level. They're terribly insecure and they cover it up with these grandiose fantasies. These are relationships that break up before marriage because the narcissistic one is afraid of making a commitment because the grass may be greener somewhere else. This is the person who comes on really strong, and then once you warm up they become all cool and critical and they have this unrealistic idea of how perfect someone has to be for them. They're so consumed with themselves that they're not loving anyone else.  They will pick apart every flaw and never let their partner forget that this imperfection is the reason the relationship will not move on to the next level.  When choosing a serious partner typically it can be based on beauty or wealth.  They will expect their partners to bend over backward while they contribute minimally to the relationship.  Often there is a pattern of breaking up and making up. In addition in most cases issues of an addictive personality in combination with narcissism are present. However if treated with therapy there can be resolve. Along with the support and understanding of a strong an loving partner.  It will take team work but can be conquered.

Next the Story Teller (Pseudologia Fantastica, My Illness)
A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit.  Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions.  Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small.  For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right.  Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary.  For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship. But with help the person can be healed. The first thing to do when dealing with a pathological liar is to confront them. Since you are threatening their fantasies, they would try to argue with you or act defensive. Do not expect them to agree with what you are saying immediately. Also, do not accuse them of something. Rather, be sensitive and understanding. Tell them that it is alright to be ordinary or less exciting rather than faking just to impress others. Tell them that you will love them even if they do not have anything thrilling to tell or lead an ordinary life. Since you are dealing with a personality disorder here, if things do not improve or change, you can take help from a psychiatrist. Therapy and your love can do wonders for your partner.

Okay enough of the psychology lesson but in order to tell a true story there has to be a little light shed on the dysfunction lingering in the background.  My relationship has never been completely perfect.  While there are many moments filled with so much happiness and laughter there are others where it's hit "rock bottom."  He has described it as a roller coaster which may be a fitting example. This is a love affair that happened by accident.  It was never planned out or wished for at all.  For years there was always some strange and unexplainable attraction but nothing that we ever jumped in on full force.  Then one day we were both at a point in life where we were self destructive and one night fate united us.  Lovers that is what we were and nothing more....nor did either of us want more.  But, life had other plans and with in a few months I discovered I was pregnant.  It was the scariest moment of my life at the time and nothing that I wanted. I had to tell him and the reaction was not positive, immediately I went into survival mode.  I became the story teller full force.  I would not let this man hurt me or our child.  But, the chaos of death surrounded and engulfed us, anxiety set in.  

So we came together.  We decided to do what was best for this little family that we were starting.  But, I don't think either of us was really committed to that idea.  He was more committed to his drinking and pulling me in.  Although, this was one of the few times I can remember him reflecting on how he felt as if he could love me.  I was still in defense mode, even while I was falling for him, I kept secrets.  I lied about doctors appointments, I didn't want him there 100%.  Yet, at the same time I was falling in love with him.  It was the most complicated feeling I have ever encountered.  More challenges were soon presented as he was arrested and I lost the baby.  That's when the real challenges began.  He wanted to conquer his vices and I well I was so afraid and desperate, the lying had already been done.  Thanks to that he began to doubt me.  He didn't believe he was ever going to have a son.

Yes that is a lot of negativity....but it wasn't all bad.  Whether you rewind or fast forward there are a couple things that have always been constant.  The amount of passion between us.  No matter how self loving he is or how desperate I get with my stories.  Every touch is like a magnetic force that makes you feel like you are melting. We can't get enough of each other and that part of us, the intimate part is beautiful.  There is no other way to describe it.  We care for each other so much that we would do just about anything to make sure the other is safe and taken care of.  I would do anything for him and he would do anything for me.  This element did not happen over night.  It has come over time.  It's taken everything in us, in our sicknesses to be able to be at that level with one another. But, it's there and I don't think it will ever go away.

We feel like home to each other.  A safe place, one where we can laugh and be ourselves.  One where we are happy just being in each others company.  A place where we can cry and not be judged.  You might all be thinking well what's the problem?  Why aren't you two so in love and married?  Because we have problems because he is a narcissist and I am a story teller.  No matter what he will find my faults, he will look at the negative, he will say it's too much for him, that he cannot deal with it.  I in turn will go into story teller mode not being honest with him or myself.  I don't want to think there are problems.  I just want us to carry on.  But, that is not fixing anything.  His solution is to run and mine is to hide in my fantasies.  But, the difference between him and I is I never leave him alone when he is down.  I carry him up, I take on his problems, because my illness allows me to love while his does not.

Now we are at a cross roads where neither of us can handle these illnesses anymore. I am tired of having to be the storyteller.  I am finally really making the changes.  I may have lied and said time and time again that I would stop being a storyteller, but this time it's different.  I started a treatment program for myself, for the people I hurt, for us. The hurt I have cause both him and others that has become apparent over the last two weeks is profound and today at church I cried.  How could I hurt someone that I care for so much?  He on the other hand his ideas of how things need to be handled are much different.  While he may have conquered addiction I don't know if he will ever conquer that attraction to his own reflection.  To seek treatment I don't think he believes in it. If he pushes me away he doesn't have to deal with any of the problems.  He's a narcissist, the grass is always greener on the other side. Now I sit alone when I need him the most he is absent. I think to myself, while our beginnings weren't perfect, we are not perfect.  God continues to bring us back together.  I don't think this is our ending, I feel like it's the opportunity for us to have a new beginning.  We have helped each other through so much and this is the final challenge. I see all of that finally out of honesty, a place that is both scary and foreign for me. Now if only there were an easy way to get the narcissist to open his eyes too.  For him to see that now is the time that we can really make a change and help one another so we can have a better tomorrow by holding each other's hand.  What I live may be complicated, biology may have made it so, but it's real and that is no fantasy.

The Depths of Despair

Rock bottom....they say everyone has to hit it once and a while.  Except for me I feel like once and a while is more like once every year.  Just a couple of weeks ago I felt like I was on top of the world.  I had money to buy the things I wanted.  I had time to spend with friends.  My heart was filled with love and excitement.  I began to rediscover myself, ready to change, ready to be a new and better person.  But, in a matter of 24 hours all of that changed. 

I suddenly was cast over in a cloud of darkness.  I had reached the gates to the depths of despair.  A long day of worked ended in rejection as my employer cast me off.  I had to put on my costume again and become a monkey dancing for peanuts.  I got home and thought everything will be fine because something better will come along.  It's just money and at least I still have a heart filled with love.  I committed to myself that I would get through it.  That as long as I had inner happiness nothing could bring me down.

I was mistaken.....as the next day started and I woke from my slumber I felt unsettled.  Something was wrong I could sense it.  I wasn't going to let it get to me.  I decided to contact my heart to bring a little cheer in life. But he was distant so I chalked it up as a bad day.  I went on to conquer a more simply task, but sometimes even the most simple things can be complicated.  I was so overwhelmed I needed him and when I sought comfort I did not receive a warm welcome.

Abandonment had come....I easily recognized the feeling as it consumed my soul.  It's something  I have felt countless numbers of times.  It had originated as a feeling I was exposed to by my very own family.  The people that you love the most, when things get hard or complicated.....they don't always want to deal with it or stick around.  There he was silent, unaffected by my sorrows, not looking at me.  He was preparing to abandon me.  I was officially in the depths of despair.  The change I was finally ready to create had come too late.  Nothing mattered to him, I didn't matter to him.  Suddenly the one thing that I thought I had in all the darkness that was bright it disappeared.

I feel like there is no point in anything I do.  It doesn't matter how hard I work.  I doesn't matter how much I love.  Some how happiness can only stay with me for short periods of time.  I wish I was a simple girl, with a simple life.  One with no complications and no vice.  But, I am not and so it is.  I am destined to be nothing, not worth being loved, abandoned.  I am not even good enough to be on the receiving end of a hug. 

Ya Gotta Faith

I live in a town where people wear their "faith" on their clothing like a bright red scarlet letter.  Where everyone belongs to a church and loves Jesus.  A place where the more Christian you are the more important you are in the cast system.  But, I think they've got it all wrong.  Faith isn't something bright and shinny.  It's not something that is virginal and white as a dove.  Faith is the absence of light.  Faith is absolute darkness.  Faith is going into a place where the sun doesn't shine because it is extinct.  Faith is the belief in something that no matter how scary the venture, how blind you maybe, you are not afraid to walk through it. 

Faith doesn't necessarily have to be about your belief in God.  Faith is about the way you approach life.  Your belief that everything, even those things that seem impossible, will turn out for the best.  Faith is believing in yourself.  Knowing that you are a beautiful and ever evolving human being; you are capable of anything.  Faith is taking a vice in your life, waking up one day, making the decision that you have had enough of it, and finally deciding to make a change.  The reason you can make the most complicated transition in life from the person you are now to the person that you are becoming is faith.

Faith is picking yourself up when you at rock bottom and knowing that things are going to get better.  It's when you let the tears out because you know the crying, it won't last forever.  Faith is when you see beauty in mishaps of life, accepting the past, and moving forward.  It's looking at your dog and understanding their unconditional love is there with out them verbally expressing it.  Faith is believing in love, the risks you take to find yourself in it's bliss, even when it seems as if hope is lost.  When you find perfections in another persons imperfections no matter how terrible they may be that is faith.  Faith is knowing deep inside there is a special reason a particular lovers kiss tastes so good.

I'm not an expert on faith and I am not a guru.  For a very long time I didn't have any faith in anything.  I was sure my life was doomed to be nothing but existing on Earth until the day would come that I died.  But, suddenly in the recent past I found myself thinking that I no longer wanted to believe that nothing would ever come to me.  I wanted to live in reality and not in a fantasy.  I decided that maybe there isn't a logical answer for everything and sometimes you have to just put on your blind fold to evolve.  So here I am at the edge of one chapter moving into the next. I am exited for the future, believing in myself, the ones I love, and the promise of the universe.  I am accepting the risks because I have Faith.

The Reindeer Games Are Over...There's a New Sheriff In Town

Offing Polly Pure would be like offing the wicked witch of the East.....period.  Some people would compare the nuisance that some people create in the lives of others as a pestilence.  Those people that fly around you, their opinions worthless like the life of a fly.  Their brains smaller than as snail, not able to form a single thought.  You think that you got them with your fly swatter but you were wrong.  Just as you felt you could finally sit down and enjoy that sweet quart of berries they come buzzing around again.

I don't actually know this plague in the flesh but yet it rots my soul.  Years ago there was a simple way to rid myself of such a pain in the ass and well that was simply by beating it's ass.  Which don't get me wrong if it weren't for maturity and the law I would love to have the opportunity. But, alas a more diplomatic way must be found.  So my solution to go ahead and dead the bitch.  In my house and in my world this stench of all that is disgustingly fake about the world does not exist.  It's as extinct as the doe doe bird.

I don't wish to have a disease in my world that I cannot fairly fight.  Some how the fake smelly ones are the ones that people feel pity on.  It's pretty much because they are good at playing the victim.  So I will banish it with modern medicine.  Away from my sterilized world.  I'm done with the reindeer games and if this plague should try to come back into my house I will inject the mother fucker with penicillin.  That way I can watch it shriveling up and disappear into the nothingness of darkness.

Requiem for a Dream

There is a force on this Earth more powerful than any storm and can only be undone by meeting death.  That is love.  It's powerful because at the same time it can lift you up while making you feel the most powerful anxiety.  But yet you crave it and you keep going back or more.  I thought that I would feel love but I never thought that I would be consumed by love.  I never thought that love would be something illogical and that I would never seek a way out when things got too hot.

Love is sneaky and it will catch up to you when you least expect it to.  It can make think without clarity and fill you with madness.  Some of us like Tom will fight that feeling of being out of control and walking into the dark.  Some of us, the romantic ones like myself embrace it.  It's like the sweetest aroma that you have ever encountered and you keep getting closer and closer.  You are playing a very dangerous game.

But if you are like me once you are diseased you don't care about the risk.  You just have to have more and more.  Love will be yours because you believe in it.  Just remember everything is good in moderation at first.  If you have a partner in fight or flight let them go but follow like a slow dance.  Nothing will stop love, nothing will stop your dreams from happening if you believe. So go ahead, what's the worst that could happen, you stop listening to your dreams?

There's Always Risk in the Game of Chance....

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.

Love can be one of the most confusing feelings we will ever experiance in life.  This is especially true when you fall in love with a complicated person.  One who's mind is only clear for short periods of time and can never decide if his love for you is the real thing.  If life were a fairytale this confusion would be cleared up with a magic spell and little birds would surround you as an embrace happens and you kiss.  I dream about that a lot.  I dream that a magic wand has come in my possession and I have magically answered every question in his head and he is finally able to make a final decision to just jump in with both feet.  He never looks back or thinks about the what if's because he has finally surrendered himself to love.  

Over the past five and a half years I have experianced moments of great joy and devestation with him.  I have experianced rebirth and loss.  We have laughed and we have cried.  We have been apart and we have been together.  Even though he broke my heart time and time again.  Each time he came back riding on his white horse to rescue me.....I fell deeper in love with him.  The world thinks we are crazy and no one wants to listen anymore.  We, him and I, exist in our own alternate reality and no one really understands.  He is often lost and cannot decide which direction he wants to take. He doesn't want anyone's help even though his mind is cloudy.  I stand watching praying each day for an answer for his mind to be completely open.  

My heart has a special place for him and at times I even question why?  Maybe it is because I once had a part of him growing with in me and when it was gone he was all I had left.  I can always hear his voice or remember his smell just by closing my eyes.  But the question has finally come up where I am asking myself....is love going to be enough?  I am at a place in life where just existing together isn't fofilling my soul.  I want to be more secure in what we are.....I am ready to be a wife.  I am ready to wake up together every single day and take care of one another.  I am ready to be a mother, to watch our children grow, and to celebrate them.  The romantic in me thinks maybe it's finally time and it's really going to happen for us.  But the reality is I am more unsure then ever.

He says that I know what I want because the truth is that I do.  I would give up essentially anything for life long happiness.  But, he is still unsure.....the boy may not be ready to be a man.  He says he cares for me more then he has cared for any other human being.  But, he still just can't give up his old life for me.  He wants to be sure, he wants to give me a 110%.  I guess knowing that he is really considering that maybe I am the one should make me happy and reassure me of his love. He sounds honest and genuine for almost everything he is trying to communicate. But, then that evil side has to say hello.....what if he takes another girl out, what if I am not what he wants?  What will I do?  Most people will say he is a man and trying to find reasons not to commit.  But they aren't living my life and that is one of the scariest things I have ever heard from a man who has never betrayed me in that way.  My gut says it's all nonsense but my street smarts say watch your back.

Now he says I have a decision to make to stay or to leave.  It would be an easy one to make if I had a crystal ball to tell me what was going to happen.  I have a mambo who tells me to always listen to the voice inside because that is my spirit guides telling me what to do.  The speech could have been a message from God who wants me to learn what it is to have Faith.  To have Faith that he wouldn't allow me to hurt again and that everything will work out.  That my fairytale will come true.  So now the question is do I take a risk on love with the world's biggest risk taker?  Is life really a gamble?

Slow Like Honey

 

Even the most bitter taste can be sweetened; all you need to do is add a little honey.   It's any easy fix and something that is given to us by a tiny creature who we get the privilege of sharing our existence with each day.  Life can make even the most even tempered person bitter.  Allowing them to wake up each day sulking about their imperfections of the soul, the heart, and the pocket book.  One would think that just as they would make their tea taste better that they would apply the same concept to life.  But, some times it takes longer for a person to realize the problems that are the biggest are those which have the simplest resolve.

I miss the train a lot on the ones that don't require much thinking.  That would explain why I have spent so much time over the last five years feeling sorry for myself and my situation in life.  What makes the whole thing even more ridiculous is that fact that I love honey.  Actually it's so much stronger and crazier....I am obsessed with honey!  Every event, every person that we encounter on our path to life's goal of being filled with love isn't going to taste like a perfect vanilla bean cupcake.  The majority of them are going to taste like a sour patch kid that you grabbed from the bottom of the bag because you weren't paying attention when you selected it.  

The moment you realize that every thing in life changes.  The world becomes a brighter and more vivid place to live.  Each day of your existence becomes more beautiful then the next. You feel like you could just reach out and with each grab at the air your fist is filled with teeny, tiny, magical, baby birds.  When you climb the stairs it's like walking on music notes.  There is no feeling that brings us closer to life consuming love then when everything becomes sweetened, as if were drenched in honey.

The secret to finally realizing what real love feels like isn't really that spectacular.  Yet it is impossible to ignore.  The things that used to keep you from really embracing love, the bitter things, are no longer there because you cannot taste them.  Everything around you looks as if is pulsing before your eyes....it's a little crazy but you don't care.  You want to dance circles on the uneven floor in it's center.  The sun is shining warm on your skin and the stars sparkle.  It's your life, you've prepainted the path with honey, it's sweet and smells of spring.  Love is in your heart and no one can take what is inside of you.

Back To The Start

I would normally post some witty picture at the start of this story but I am not feeling witty at all.  I feel defeated, I feel vulnerable, and I feel weak.  Just when I thought life was on the road to wonderful something awful has to happen to put me into a time machine that takes me back to a time of suck.  I'm not going to even touch on the stresses of life I am dealing with that are normal family, school, or work.  It's a whole separate area of my life that is fucked.

I have told myself over and over again that I am strong and that after everything I have been through I wouldn't shed a tear over this situation again.  But, because like he says I must have been lying as usual because today I let it get to me.  I cried.....for several hours.  It's frustrating when there is someone in your life who you have loved so much that it hurt; because they don't really love themselves.  I know deep inside I didn't do anything wrong today.  I know that I have been nothing but friendly and lent an ear to listen.  Tom can't stand the peace and he always has to do something to wreak it.

I thought if something like this happened it was going to be over something huge.  I was wrong, it only took a single sentence, that was it.  I feel like complete shit now.  I didn't ever want to revisit all that stuff that got left behind.  I liked my friend Tom, he makes me laugh, that was what I was missing.  Then little by little and inch by inch the doors of communication started to open again.  I guess I didn't really know where it was going.  I felt like I was driving, taking the road I wanted.  Taking things head on one day at a time.  Was I expecting some great romance to happen with some dramatic ending?  Tom isn't romantic so no.  I was expecting that we had both grown into adults and valued things about each other.  It wasn't clear just how we were supposed to fit into each others lives.

But after today I think I have realized that maybe I am not that girl who is ever going to get anything easy.  Perhaps it's not in the cards for me to live in a house with a white picket fence or go to kids dance recitals. The bridal showers they won't ever be mine.  Because I love the ones who are broken.  If it's not Tom's dysfunction I am dealing with well it's just someone else.  I am the worlds most stupid woman for having a soft spot for him but I can't help it.  We have been to hell and back together....I will always love him.  That is why it breaks my heart to hear him share the things he does and them know he can crush me at any second.  It doesn't matter if we are lovers or friends.  If I am the target that day watch out.  Maybe he had a bad day or maybe he is running from life.  I don't really know because I am not him and honestly I am not trying to judge him at all.

What I am really doing is just taking a look at my life and thinking about why this is what I have been dealt?  There is only one thing, a single thing that I want.  It's to be happy, most of the time.  Everyday doesn't need to be sunshine and flowers.  It's time for all the shit to end.  It's just every time that I get it excited that it does I am right back where I started all over again.

Who Wants This?

I'm not really having a whole lot of complete thoughts right now.  But there is one thing that comes to mind in particular if I try to think for ten seconds.  Most people don't have close to perfect relationships and the ones that do seem like life must be very boring for them.  Sure it's true everyone has their "ideal."  That fictional character  that will never happen because: A). Prince Charming is a cartoon he isn't fucking real. B). You are out of your league so stop trying to mess up the order of the jungle. So when you sit and realize none of that shit is ever going to happen you realize well that fucking sucks.

Never fear my friends because reality will bring you someone, but it sure as hell isn't going to be a fairytale.  That's right Disney is a cooperation founded in lies and making us feel bad about ourselves.  Now back to the point of my story.  The person you fall in love with and will really get to you is that one that you just want to choke out sometimes.  It's the one that you would let you molest you in the chimp room at the zoo because there is no one else around.  Plus lets face it anything that involves a monkey will get you back to your animal roots and desires.  Don't judge it till you experience it.

The thing is we are selfish and we always want more then what we have.  We always want life to be a little bit better even if we understand life is typically screwed up in one way or another.  What a waste of time and sick days.  Sometimes it has to be realized that our paths are not supposed to be that fancy.  The freaks of the world deserve each other.  If they didn't then who would breed comedians and reality stars?  Eventually we all get cellulite and our pant sizes grow.  Shit happens, the past has to be set free, and you just have to live it out.

Once you realize all of this and can be the penguin who works hard all day gathering rocks; not the one who steals them and wins the nest contest by cheating.  Life gets so much easier and stress disappears. You really stop giving a fuck about what everyone else thinks.  All you do is laugh and pee your pants.  If you don't want to brush your teeth and lay in bed for two days it's totally cool because you have this dorky partner in crime.  Yes that's what life's about being yourself with someone who can be themselves with you and together the two become one big explosion misunderstood and so happy.

Love Doesn't Come In a Tiffany's Box

This past weekend someone commented to me that I might as well admit I was in my past relationship because of all the gifts I would receive.  She said that she knew I was the kind of girl that could marry for money.  The girl said she envied my ability to look out for no one but myself.  I found myself quite offended by her comments and I didn't respond to her at all.  I just smiled and walked away from her after all she didn't know me very well.  These were assumptions and everyone has them; it's just not often that they vocalize what they are thinking. 

The truth is that money had absolutely nothing to do with my relationship with Tom not even in a tiny way.  Like anyone woman naturally I did love getting gifts from Tiffany's, Coach, and Pandora.  However, even if the gifts were not coming it would not have changed the way that I felt.  Tom did not buy my affections in order to win me over.  I am not sure what other people assume but he is not a wealthy man by any means.  He is just average, he has an average job, with an average home, drives an average car, and makes an average salary.  Tom did not come from wealth at all; as a matter of fact he was as far from the spectrum of privileged as a person could be.  Everything he has he had to work for and even if some of that came from his winnings at the card table no one just gave him anything.

I did not set my eyes on him and think now that is my ticket to easy living.  I am sure that is what many people have imagined including relatives.  Now every family thinks their own is a prize to be won but lets be serious when it comes to economics he and I are not very different.  There is nothing so different about his bank account verses any other middle class college graduate.  I was not dreaming of grandeur at all nor was I living some extravagant lifestyle by being with him.  Gifts were a way to say I'm sorry or I care.....but we had no children I am sure things would be very different if we had other people we were responsible for because there would be more expenses.

I know it is hard to believe but I was with Tom because I loved him.  I was not with him because I was being a gold digger.  I loved that we shared the same sense of humor, that I could be myself with him, and that he was so much like me.  I was with him because he made me happy and most importantly he made me laugh.  It had nothing to do with anything else.  Honestly, I would have traded every single gift he ever gave me in exchange for the problems never settling in and destroying everything.  I am sure I would have fell in love with him even if he was a popper.  If he would have lost everything it wouldn't have mattered to me. 

I'm a romantic and in my life as much as security is important; it's not a priority.  I choose to be with the person who I look at at think I want to be with them every single day.  Not thank God he can buy me a Mercedes and take me to Paris.  Money may make the world go round but passion is what makes a relationship last.  To all the doubters my love was honest and it was true.  If it wasn't those things I would have never done some of the things I did....I simply would have moved on to my next victim.  But, I didn't because the emotions I felt were so profound I even have a hard time explaining them and they never could have been described by a little teal box because they had no price tag.

Back Stabbing Bitches Deserve to Get Theirs or When Good Friends Go Bad

Women in general can be bitches.  We often will gossip behind each others backs, call someone fat, and give dirty looks.  But there is a huge difference between just being a regular woman and being a back stabbing bitch.  The biggest difference is that back stabbing bitches will pretend to be your best friends, act like they are there for you, and at the same time they are plotting some way to ruin you or take advantage of you.  Now if you are lucky you won't encounter too many of these devious bitches in life because once you deal with one you will be on your toes.  No one wants to deal with them more then that so you remember the signs to look for to avoid them at all costs.  I recently cast off a back stabbing bitch from my life for the following offenses in no particular order.

1. Blaming me for stories her husband heard about her cheating to cover her ass by saying I was jealous and trying to ruin her life.
2. Having her gay scam artist friend sending me anonymous texts about this so called incident to harass me in the fashion of seventh graders.
3. Having multiple occurrences of cheating and affairs on various men putting me in the middle as cover up.
4. Calling me to a bar to tell me that my other friend was trying to make out with my boyfriend resulting in a huge fight when I was drunk.
5. Calling my boyfriend and talking about my relationship with him behind my back.
6. Borrowing my clothes and then lending them out to other people.
7. Never acknowledging the help I and other people have tried to provide to her.  Just feeling like it's okay to use people.
8. Telling my boyfriend I lied about being pregnant.
9. Telling my boyfriend I lied about having a miscarriage.
10. Telling my boyfriend if I was really pregnant it wasn't his baby.

The list of crazy could go on and on.  But this particular backstabber just obviously didn't say something stupid behind my back; she tried to ruin my life.  Some parts of her plan actually worked.  I can't even remember how many times some of these stories came up in arguments between Tom and I.  They even resulted in arguments between me and friends.  This is the dirtiest kind of bitch around.  She is like a honey badger having no regard for anyone else.  Who really does stuff like she did?  Well any back stabbing bitch would so I keep the list in mind and look for all the signs now.  I don't want to deal with any of that kind of stuff again.  So ladies watch, listen, and learn.  If you have one of these toxic back stabbing bitches in your life it's time to cast them off before they do too much damage.  Let's face it those kinds of issues will want to make you hurt them so bad you could go to jail and no one wants to do that.

God Save the King

I consider myself a strong woman.  I have over come the most terrible of obstacles and I have pushed myself to the limits at times.  But I find life to be overwhelming at times; well dealing with the mundane things any how.  I get migranes just thinking about doing things like finding a new car insurance company, budgeting, and dealing with every day repairs.  For a very long time I thought I am a feminist and I can do anything.  Today I realized I cannot do everything.

Maybe I am setting myself back into medieval times for thinking in such a way, but so be it.  I am a woman who needs to have a King that manages her life.  Not that he keep me under lock and key.....just that he runs the household.  I despise making major decisions I just want things taken care of  before I can even realize there was a problem.  The truth is I don't like dealing with those things not because I am ignorant but because I am lazy.  My life is very unorganized and chaotic.  I am a real mess.  I need an arogant asshole who reminds me to pick up and expects dinner on the table in exchange for taking care of me.

These kind of men are not that bad either they have their qualities.  I know that with such a King myself, my dog, and any children would always have a warm home to live in and anything else our heart desired.  These men are very proud and will do anything with in reason to make sure every knows how great it is to be married to him.  Not that love wouldn't have anything to do with this because I can only love a man with such qualities.  I enjoy learning and I will enjoy teaching.  I just don't want to have to work because it's the only way make ends meet and if I do I want it to be very difficult for my man not to feel fully like a man.

The things that coming along with this type of man; the cooking, the cleaning, the admiring, and being a perfect wife as well as mother.  I know I can handle that all.  I know this because I enjoy nurturing someone who really enjoys being taken care of themselves.  In my life there has to be someone who makes sure that everything has it's place outside of the four walls we live in.  These men also have a gentle side once they discover you have just the qualities they are looking for in life. They will be filled with passion and desire for you.  You can make them so happy that they cry and you can make them so angry they want to cut off your head.  Ultimately if you play your cards right you will become queen.  That is the position I want in life....to be in the care of the King.

I Am Abundant in Love....Keeping It Positive on Valentines Day

Being single on Valentines Day is a nightmare for most singles out there; especially women.  Flowers and chocolates fill the office.....while you sit there empty handed.  It's only a reminder that you will be going home to an empty house to enjoy dinner with your cat.  Some people opt to keep it up beat by having dinners with friends and maybe making a girlfriend your Valentine for the day.  This is done in hopes of not feeling suicidal at the end of the night.  But either way you handle it Valentines Day is not something you were looking forward to. 

There have been years where I spent the holiday happy and in love.  There were others that were terrible and lonely.  Last year was pretty bad seeing that it was in the middle of all of the bull shit I was dealing with Tom on.  I think I wanted to crawl up in to a ball and just hug a fluffy pillow while crying until I hyperventilated.  It was not a fun experience.  I woke up this morning still single, still nothing resolved, or nothing new in life.  But, I didn't feel sorry for myself.  Instead I thought about the things that do make me happy and that I am thankful for having in life. 

Lately I have been doing a lot of soul searching.....I want to discover life's answers.  I started by going back to reading "The Secret" and reflecting on the law of attraction.  Basically it states what ever you put out the the universe you will get back.  So by waking up and thinking I am alone the end result is being alone.  I have been trying to change that by meditating on events that I want to happen as if they already have happened.  By being thankful and trying very hard to not be negative.  It isn't easy because we are a society who wants instantaneous results from our actions.  Unfortunately that really is not how things work for anyone.  Everything takes time and Patience.

My heart is filled with hope and projection of what I want my future to bring.  In those moments when I think nothing is going to work out I have to reach into my internal wish base to register what is coming on the horizon.  I'm done listening to everyone else and I am done sharing with negative Nancy's.  This is my own little experiment I am conducting with the universe.  I am retraining the way I think and live so that I might experience life the way it is in my dreams.  Signs appear every where that will let me know I am on the right track.  I am also getting better at listening to my own inner voice and doing as it commands.  Next Valentines Day I will have a million reasons to celebrate because I am abundant in love and through my affirmations what I desire will come to pass.  And So It Is <3

White Boy Problems

Men have problems just like women do.  Some of the things that we would never think they worry about they do.  But there are a specific group of issues that can be summed up under one Urban Dictionary term and those are White Boy Problems.  These are issues that often frustrate women.  They also raise a lot of questions with non-white boys who simply cannot understand this method of thinking at all.  To them White Boy Problems translate to being a coward.  If you don't think you have ever had to deal with White Boy Problems I am sure you probably just over looked them.  This can typically happen if you are a white girl who has never dated a non-white boy.  For you it's just the way things are, it's not your fault, you were raised on it, and of course you wouldn't know any better.  Unfortunately for the rest of us IE: a Latina like me these problems are not normal to us and they are enough to drive us a little crazy.  It's like there should be a guide book on how to translate and understand White Boy Problems for us.  It's not racist or anything....plus there are plenty of books out there on dating black men, Hispanic men, Arabic men etc.  Until then here are a few White Boy  Problems that are very common as a beginners reference brochure. 

Problem #1 Momma Drama

First of all I am not talking about "baby momma" problems those are more of a problem with us ethnic people.  I am talking about the White Boy's actual momma.  In a minority household we do sometimes create Mommy's boy's but eventually those boys grow up and discover vagina.  Therefore they will put that before their mom's because it is so awesome.  Not white boys!  What happens when a White Boy falls for a girl his momma doesn't like.....nothing.  He won't say, "mind your own mom that's my lady."  Instead he will let his momma bully him often to the point of letting go of the girl because he couldn't dream of upsetting her in such a way.  He doesn't stand up to her even though he wants to and if he does he will end up calling her to say sorry a million times.  You may not even ever find out he stood up for you.  He is miserable just because he can't cut the apron string.  White Boy Problems!

Problem # 2 Anxiety Attacks

Stress is enough to make a White Boy cry.  They don't handle it very well and struggling is something they aren't really sure how to get through.  Sometimes it gets so bad they might commit suicide.  Think about it how many minority men kill themselves over work stress? Barely any do.  Girl problems, family problems, issues with their kids; all things they just don't know how to deal with it.  They just can't deal with other people.  They need to take time alone to find themselves.  White Boys don't want to talk about anything but they want to deal with everything 110%.  However that involves facing reality and that isn't very popular with White Boys.  In a minority family everyone would tell the guy to suck it up and be a man.  Not White Boys.  Some of them will have to get medicated and others will let it break them.  Either way it's confusing and it doesn't make sense.  White Boy Problems!

Problem #3 Popularity Issues


White Boys don't like to have conflict and they want everyone to be happy with them all the time.  This affects all decisions that they make in life.  They are so worried about what everyone else thinks about what they are doing it will stress them out (see #2).  It's all about keeping a smile on everyone's faces.  They don't want to loose popularity at work, with friends, or at home.  White boys will dump girls they love, pick up hobbies they hate, and follow politics they don't understand just to be part of the in crowd.  They have an inner need for approval from the masses in order to function.  It's really girlie and stupid but it happens everyday.  White Boy Problems!

Problem #4 The Madonna Whore Complex

Most guys out there want a lady in the streets but a freak in the streets.  Let's face it guys like sex and if a girl can keep them satisfied she is a keeper.  Well that is not always true when it comes to White Boys.  The CRC has raised them to think that lustful sex is wrong.  Freaks they have been taught are bad news.  So if they are getting too much enjoyment from their lady friend they will start to question it.  They will beat themselves up because this is a bad thing and no open should be so comfortable with their sexuality like that.  A White Boy will even not marry a woman because the sex was too good.  There has to be something evil about it and God would never reward them for being such pigs.  Never mind that there is probably just chemistry which is a good thing because that is pretty much anti-cheating insurance.  White Boy Problems!

Problem # 5 Feelings

There are two types of issues when it comes to White Boys and feelings.  The first is they are too in touch with their feelings.  They cry too much and it just gets to be a little much to deal with on a day to day basis.  While it's great to hear I love you there is a point when it can be overboard.  Hello what kind of guys turn into stalkers?  White Boys!  Then there are the other White Boys who don't want to express themselves to women.  They will tell everyone else how they feel about her but won't say a word to her about it.  Not a call, a text, or an email.  It's like they think women have esp and know what move they should make next.  They use their friends as messengers and never get down to the business of explaining how they feel to the women herself.  In minority cultures if you want a woman, even if you messed up with her before a man will say to her, "Hey baby I was thinking about you and you're it."  Oh no not White Boys they will just wait for some kind of Divine intervention to make everything fall into place.  Often time it doesn't and they are left alone wondering why?  White Boy Problems!

The problems I listed are just a few of many White Boy Problems that exist.  They were just the top five that I have encountered in life.  It is all very confusing and there is no way to figure it out over night.  If you love a White Boy and think you are alone when you are going over these same things in your head; you're not.  There are tons of us out there just as frustrated and confused as you are at this very moment.  Also don't go asking your Black, Latino, or other minority guy friends for advice.....they won't get it.  They will just say that he is a coward and you shouldn't give him any attention.  It's a better idea to ask your White Boy friends.  They understand and relate to all of these issues.  The advice they give will translate much better.  So when it comes to White Boy Problems just take a deep breath and relax......it's not you; it's them.

Go With Your Gut and Read Between The Lines.....Always

Life is always going to throw you curve balls.  A lot of times you will have a gut feeling that just tells you something isn't right or something is going to happen.  Then other times there will be signs around you that act as predictors of what is to come.  Other times there were warnings but you gave them little attention; you neglected to read between the lines.  Suddenly something happens and you think I knew it....why didn't I listen to myself?

Whether you were blinded by love or you just were trying to avoid the obvious there are a myriad of reasons you ignored that little voice inside you or why you didn't pay attention to the warnings the universe was throwing out at you.  But, they were there and you are beating yourself up over it all.  Paying attention to the details and why it's important is a lesson we all learn at some point in life.  Sometimes we have to learn it more then once.  All of this came to mind because this weekend I had a friend who found herself once again in such a situation.

She had a bad break up with her ex-boyfriend and she wasn't looking for love.  In walks a nice guy who she normally wouldn't pay attention to and she decides to give him a chance.  Immediately there is an issue with an old flame and it's an obvious give away to his true person.  He assures her it was nothing, she gives him the benefit of the doubt.  She ignored the sign that was presented to her.  Fast forward to the past weekend.  He is out of character by ignoring her and something inside keeps telling her this guy is a snake.  She ignores it. Calls start coming in that he was out with someone else and chaos breaks loose.  She realizes her gut was right, the signs were there, and she didn't listen.  It all could have been avoided.  If only she just trusted herself.

That is just one example of many that happen everyday.  In my own life I recently came across an old email from Tom. He sent it to me last December right before the big explosions started and I am willing to share. 
The background is it was an email I sent him about shoes he was looking for and this is what it turned into.

December 13, 2011

Tom "You know I love shoes. Not sure if I can pull off the twill ones. But you know me I will rock anything you buy me.  You might not want to keep buying me shit.  Your going to be extra pissed when I leave for another year or three."
Me "I'm not sure if I'm going to buy them captain buzz kill, i was just trying to get some ideas.  Id be a little nicer if i were you don't forget who takes care of you. You are getting older and the days of needing your ass wiped are closer....you already have a bad back. "
Tom "That's fine I have my mom around for the next few yrs.  Don't worry ill always keep you on call."
Me " I know your moms around, she always has been.  Id have double the work if she wasn't. But she cant provide all the services i do :) you are just like the kanye song, you love i do everything u want but u hate it at the same time. Granted i have some flaws but so do you. I understand you feel the need to shit on me once and a while and there is no point in getting upset. You are lucky, you don't see me begging for a ring or babies like most girls. I'm a good catch u would be lucky if i agreed to be yo baby momma again lol"
Tom "Good.....so your saying you will be o.k without me again for a few years? I'm glad you are getting use to getting shit on and just take it in stride.  I don't like shitting on you I just have uncontrollable bowel syndrome that makes me shit on people."

I should have read between the lines.  I should have recognized the signs.  Tom was telling me exactly what he was going to do.  Instead I wrote it off as a joke with my responses and I put it in the back of my mind.  I didn't take the opportunity to prepare myself for an assault.  Maybe things would have taken a different direction if I did....not that the relationship would have been saved, but maybe I could have saved myself a lot of explosions, episodes of acting like a lunatic, and heartache.  However, I did not do anything of the sort.  I forgot all about the email until I came across it recently.  It was like a light bulb went off in my head.  This was his plan and this is how he feels he controls us and our future. 

Both of these scenarios represent situations where life lessons have been learned.  There is nothing more powerful then instinct.  After all we are human which means we are animals.  Our gut feeling, ability to see the signs, to look deeper into something those are gifts we are given for survival.  Never again will I ignore what the universe is trying to show me.  That applies to every area of my life.  When you just know something is going to happen more then likely it is going to.  It's time to open yourself up to trusting you.

Break Up, Make Up, Break Up, Make Up: aka Mr. Big Syndrome

Every girl in America knows the love story.  Carrie meets Mr. Big and he perplexes her so much she falls in love.  Mr. Big loves her, he breaks up with her, he loves her again, something is missing from her, he breaks up with her again, she moves on, he breaks up the relationship, he loves her again, something else goes wrong, he breaks up with her again.  They are friends, they hate each other, everyone is frustrated with Big and rooting for Carrie.  They love each other again, he tells her, he takes it back.  She moves on, it goes wrong, Mr. Big rescues her.  He finally decides to marry her, it's too complicated he backs out, then changes his mind.....now it's forever.

While the Carrie and Mr. Big love story has inspired women all over the world to believe that love finds a way and that not everyone gets their happily ever after so easily; it has also done something for men.  It's made it okay for them to have a little something called Mr. Big Syndrome or MBS.  We are in an age where men think it is perfectly normal for them to put a woman on hold not once but multiple times.  That is because he believes thanks to Carrie Bradshaw if she is his she will always be his.  He has a built in radar that detects when she maybe happy or moving on and "shits on it" like Carrie once said by offering his love and I'm sorrys only to repeat the same pattern.

How do I know so much about MBS?  Well it's because I have realized I have found myself in a MBS situation. Let's rewind for a second to a few events past.  Break up with Tom number one.  Things are going fabulous, I am supportive, although immature, but confident in my relationship.  Bam MBS break up excuse number one: Things happen fast and unplanned.  I never got to court you and you don't look the way imagined my wife. I go on drinking binges with friends and Tom gets the chance to date "an idiot stick figure with no soul."  Although stick figure she is not nor is she attractive....actually she is kind of a secret.  I date a couple Aidan's here and there.  Tom does not like this....on goes the radar....he's back.  A few months of bliss follow but MBS can't resist itself.  Break Up Two: You have everything I want in a wife but something is missing and I need to find the person with that piece.  Seriously....it's like real life sex and the city with not as awesome clothes.

Result Tom goes on sabbatical aka his "Napa."  He does come back shortly for his "heart surgery" aka birthday month.  But like Mr. Big his heart closes back up.  So I continue to live my life.  Just as things are starting to settle into place.....buzzz there's that MBS radar it's flashed him a warning.  Suddenly the inner circle of friends is blasting with MBS talk from Tom.  He could see himself spending his life with me.  It could work out.  He wants someone a little more reserved.  He wants someone that puts him in his place.  He misses me so much.  He can't dare call.  He is upset I'm on the town.  This part of the MBS cycle requires him to get approval from "the girls" to go after his Carrie.  However, this cannot completely happen until the MBS radar goes into code red.....I have to find a ballerina to move to Paris with of course.

Of course this is real life and not a movie so I can't depend on a Carrie Bradshaw ending.  But just these few examples prove that Mr. Big Syndrome is real and if affects men everywhere.  Men with MBS like Tom think that it's okay to go back and fourth with a woman for a very long time.  They can justify it with all the crazy thoughts that go through their head.  But, what they don't realize is that women watch sex and the city.  That makes us on to their game.  We know the pattern of MBS will not soon come to an end if we do not address it.  Either at it's next grand entrance we either need to put Mr. Big in his place or banish him forever more. Whatever your decision is when it comes to your own MBS situation remember this: You must tell Mr. Big I have had it or it's time to cut the bullshit.  I am the best you will ever have and you obviously cannot replace me.  The game ends now and you will give me what I deserve or the game ends now and you will stay out of my life.  You have to banish MBS like a ghost forever......

I Love Being a Domestic Goddess......So What If It Sets Women Back 50 Years

Every day when I get to work I get to listen to the women complain about their husbands and boyfriends.  About all he does is complain and how they can't believe what they expect them to do.  Then they start complaining about how all these men want is sex and they are too tired for all of that.  After work I come home and often times talk to my friends and they start complaining.  These girls are so pissed because they walked in on him jacking off or they are sick of getting asked for blow jobs.  I'm left very confused because I don't understand or relate to their problems.

It's not because I'm not married or that I don't have any kids.  It's because I don't think they are doing their duties as women.  First of all I presented a coworker with a response to her complaints today by asking, "why don't you try cooking dinner all week and see how things will change...I mean you are the wife."  She responded by telling me I was crazy and no working woman has time for something like that.  I beg to disagree it's not that hard to do your duties.  When Tom and I were together I cooked three meals a day often with dessert.  If it was going to be a busy week I would prep out breakfast ready to go, snacks, and meals with heating instructions.  I would like to add I was working forty hours a week and going to school full time.  I made sure if it needed to be at his house for certain days it was there.  I made sure both of our homes stayed cleaned and were decorated properly.  I did laundry, folding, and ironing at both.  I was appreciated for what I did and that is why I would get rewarded.

As for the lack of sexual satisfaction with their men I think that they are making huge mistakes by not taking care of that.  Men love sex and if you know what you are doing then you should love sex too.  Let's face it men will stray if they get bored in the bedroom.  We also need to realize that men masterbate.  They love making love to themselves.  Why not encourage it?  I think it was one of the best things I did allowing openness about wacking the monkey.  After that men love blow jobs.  Now this is your oppertunity to shine because if you can give him the best he has ever had he will love you forever and if he tries to leave he will always come back.  It's like insurance you just have to do it.  Then the sex.....I don't get it.  Why wouldn't you as much as possible whenever you have time.  If you have kids it should be even more exciting when you get a chance.

Just to finish things off I don't get how everyone is so damn tired.  From what sitting at a desk all day and not doing manual labor?  I am a very lazy person but I don't think it's a good excuse.  It takes 30 minutes to cook dinner and even less time to put out.  So maybe my thinking is a little 1950's, but there was also a lower divorce rate back then.  Some things should never be changed.  It was the best thing I ever did in a relationship.  It makes me very irreplaceable unlike the modern woman. A man should be the king of his castle because that is the only way you can ever really be a queen.

All Cycles Have An Ending....Even Bad Ones

In my last Yoga class of 2011 my instructor said, " All cycles come to an end.  We must stop being who we were and change into who we are."  I thought about what he said later and I teared up a little bit.  I would have to say that 2011 will be chalked up as one of my top five worst years so far.  It was partially the events but more so that those events made me come face to face with the losses and sorrows of the past.  I think it was because a lot of the situations I was in were reminiscent of those terrible ones that happened before.  Inside of me I carry around a lot of shit.  I am not the girl who shares her feelings or that cries in public. As we all know you can't hold everything inside; eventually a person will explode and all hell will break loose.

The shit I carry in me is a lethal combination of family dramas, believing in a man who deep done inside doesn't believe in himself, and the loss of a brother as well as a child.  I held on to the shit because I don't fully understand the way it makes me feel.  Family is necessary because they are the people who care for you most but I hate that their self destructive ways pour over into my life.  Love is our purpose on Earth.  To fall in love with a man who you know is good but refuses to fully evolve into his true self; a side maybe you have only seen it hurts your heart and fills a person with frustration.  Loss is the most complicated because I really believe with my brother his time on Earth was done and he is in a better place.  Yet it doesn't seem fair.  Loss of a child I never met is the strangest struggle and one I don't understand at all.  I am not a kid person and everything does happen for a reason.  But sometimes the loss pains me, I feel guilt, and I feel empty that I think that I carry that burden alone.

All of those things caught up with me last year.  The situation with Tom was the straw that broke the camels back.  I blacked out and I honestly sometimes try to remember the things that I did but I can only think of maybe two.  I have a feeling there were a lot more.  I wasn't myself and maybe at times when all the chaos was happening my true self was in a coma.  I just couldn't handle all the curve balls and the awful things that life was throwing at me anymore.  Was I to be denied everything including love?  There were days of no rest, of paranoia, of sadness, of rage, and even ones where I felt like I was staring at a blank wall all day.  Towards the end of the year I started to balance out....there was less and less shit to be released.  It was all out in the open and I felt like a crazy person.

It was a cycle in my life I had to go through and it's over now.  I am coming out of it thinking much more clearly.  There are things I still struggle with and some days I have to take a deep breath to just relax for a moment.  I am a more mature person now and I believe in the power of life; the universe.  Everything does happen for a reason and eventually when you are ready the pieces all fall into place.  There are things that happened last year that I will never allow to happen again and lessons I learned to better handle situations.  I learned with family it's better to just stay out of it.  It's also better to not worry so much about pleasing them and more about what makes me happy.  The same goes for friends.  It's my life and I will do with it what I see fit.  When it came to love and Tom as soon as I seen he was still struggling with himself I should have said, "take some time because I need you to be 100% because I don't want only 50% of you."  I should have released him before it got toxic again.  If it's meant to be with some one it will work out.  Maybe his sabbatical would have ended in a month, maybe he would still be on it, maybe I would have met someone new.  There's no telling......but soul mate decisions aren't meant to be ours; the universe will work that all out for us.  What is to be will be.  It is all predestined.   Loss is going to be the most complicated to deal with and the best I can understand so far is if I feel like crying I need to cry and if I need to talk I should talk.

So I am starting 2012 with no expectations except that things are going to get better.  The puzzle pieces are going to slowly start fitting together.  It's going to happen for me.  It being that next stage of my life.  I am more confident in me, a human becoming, a person who makes mistakes, sometimes very big mistakes, a person who believes that dreams come true.  I am have forgiven my past and those who hurt me in it.  I can hope those people start letting go as well because shit is not fun to carry around.  I refuse to give up on love and I'll keep climbing the ladder.  I know that I have a lot of value and worth as a partner but I cannot make someone value me until they do the same with themselves.  I know which direction to choose at the fork in the road and  I am excited to do it.  There will still be hard days, nothing will happen over night.....but I have hope and faith.  It is all going to turn out just fine.  The old cycle has ended and a new one is only just beginning.