Okay so I might be a little late the Chinese New Year started a couple days ago. I am ready to make a wish. But before I do that I should be make sure to say thank you for some of my past wishes that have come true.....
In my life I have been on the best most fun first date ever.
I have the most adorable puppy anyone could ask for.
I have loved someone with my heart and soul.
I have made some very loyal friends.
I have learned to just live.
I have a had an amazing kick your leg back kiss.
So this year I have one wish but it is a very big one.
I wish for complete and utter happiness....because what would that be like!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Day 19 (SOS This Boat is Sinking)
I got a text today.....the last line I don't want any contact from you. Tom always has to have the last word. At 11:00pm in the middle of a blizzard my life gets crushed by one little sentence in one stupid text. Tom is a coward to this very moment I don't know what happened. I don't know how he changed over night. Tom's one parasite (recovering alcoholic) meet two new parasite friends (gambling addict and emotional abuser). Together they grew into one super parasite. While all that was going on I sat here playing the role of the fool. So many empty promises that I looked so forward to are shattered.
This pestilence is affecting my entire life and my health. I am so thin that my eyes look sunken into my face. My brain feels like it is bleeding from all the headaches. There is only so much one person can take before it all falls apart. What I have been going through the past two months I can only describe with one word and that is evil. One person should never make another person feel the way I do with no disregard. Especially a person who only days before they cared so much about.
Tom had no reason to stir up my emotions tonight, except maybe he had a bad day. Perhaps he lost at cards or he decided to take a drink. Either way he who has been on a sabbatical wanted to make sure he dug his knife in deep tonight. Everyone can say it, I'm an idiot. They all told me so that he would just relapse into his old terrible self. I hate that I believe in love and that everything happens for a reason. Because if I didn't I would have never forgiven him, I would have kept on with my life. Living it 150% for me.
I wish I could say that Tom is dead to me. Right now I want to take every single gift I have ever given him away and burn it right before his eyes. But I also want to pray for him, why does he have to be sick? I'm even stupid to think what if he can turn into the man I deserve later? But that is what love does to us it blinds us. I'm not codependent I just believe in what my heart tells me to do and maybe I need to listen to my head more often. I just really need to pull it together and fuck I may even need to get on some xanax. Better yet take a vacation.
This pestilence is affecting my entire life and my health. I am so thin that my eyes look sunken into my face. My brain feels like it is bleeding from all the headaches. There is only so much one person can take before it all falls apart. What I have been going through the past two months I can only describe with one word and that is evil. One person should never make another person feel the way I do with no disregard. Especially a person who only days before they cared so much about.
Tom had no reason to stir up my emotions tonight, except maybe he had a bad day. Perhaps he lost at cards or he decided to take a drink. Either way he who has been on a sabbatical wanted to make sure he dug his knife in deep tonight. Everyone can say it, I'm an idiot. They all told me so that he would just relapse into his old terrible self. I hate that I believe in love and that everything happens for a reason. Because if I didn't I would have never forgiven him, I would have kept on with my life. Living it 150% for me.
I wish I could say that Tom is dead to me. Right now I want to take every single gift I have ever given him away and burn it right before his eyes. But I also want to pray for him, why does he have to be sick? I'm even stupid to think what if he can turn into the man I deserve later? But that is what love does to us it blinds us. I'm not codependent I just believe in what my heart tells me to do and maybe I need to listen to my head more often. I just really need to pull it together and fuck I may even need to get on some xanax. Better yet take a vacation.
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