Skinny Fat Girl....It's Not Pretty

  

I am not kidding that this time last year my body looked a lot like the above photo.  I was smoking hot!  I looked good in just about anything that was two pieces.  I was always putting on little outfits and doing little numbers for Tom.  There was no denying it; his girlfriend was a sexy bitch.  Pretty much every part of me was tone and defined.  I was proud to be the hottest housewife on the block.

Fast forward to present day

I didn't gain any weight really....I mean give or take two or three pounds when I have my period.  But I have this mini pooch and my legs have cellulite.  Why did I let this happen?   The depressing part is it started because I was depressed.  I was upset over my break up and I didn't want to do anything.  I didn't care about working out because the way I seen it I wasn't putting on any pounds and no one was going to see me naked.  After the depression lifted I was a much lazier person and with the onset of a new job with a unique schedule I just didn't give the gym a thought. 

Then this past week I started looking in the mirror a little more and I realized the havoc I reeked on my body!  It was terrible and it was disgusting.  I knew I had to make a change but that is easier said then done.  It's cold outside, my work schedule is weird, and I feel bad neglecting the dog.  All probably excuses and I need to find something to get me out of this lazy slump.  I think and wonder how did I do it before....I worked full time, school, Tom, cooking, cleaning two houses, sex, working out, and me time.  It's like I was wonder woman.  Something has got to give and I am going to find the magic potion because I hate not liking what I see in the mirror.

Even Charlotte Had To Be Bitter....But It Passed.

I used to be the biggest romantic in the world.  When I think about how much I believed in love the only person that comes mind is Charlotte from Sex and the City.  I was really that big of of a worshiper in the Church of Love.  I believed that it would hit me like a ton of bricks, out of nowhere, and it would be the most amazing sensation I would ever feel when I met the one.  I had fate on my side as I met men.  While some left a lesson or an impression on my heart; there were others who came into my life and left leaving nothing.  When I felt I had love I would give it my all.  I thought that just maybe this could be the answer to my prayers.  As the love started to fade I assumed it to be a sign that this just wasn't it.  That was okay because my great love had to be coming soon.

Maybe I became such a believer because love was the only fantasy that I knew could become a reality.  After all it was our Divine purpose on Earth to find this special person who was the other piece of our puzzle.  Then one day out of a circumstance that wasn't very romantic I found myself involved with a person who in no way, shape, or form fit the definition I had created in my mind of the one.  But, I had faith in fate and I knew it was all happening for a reason.  After all love isn't always easy.  God gives us challenges to prove ourselves worthy.  A little time passed and one day I woke up.  My situation was not ideal but this man who I never thought could steal my heart had and I knew I was a goner.  I was more so in love and it was not like anything I had ever felt before.

Unfortunately for me, as sometimes happens, the challenges presented proved to be too much.  With in the blink of an eye it was over and I didn't know what to do.  I had never felt a broken heart like that before and I was sad for a long time.  But I still had faith in love and like Charlotte I knew this was just a small part of a bigger and more beautiful picture.  So I kept hope, I put myself out there, I said my affirmations, and I prayed.  But no one I met made me feel that way and I knew not to linger by keeping up contact with them.  I didn't let them in because there was no point in being intimate.  Winter faded and as the flowers of spring began to bloom again....suddenly my hopes and prayers turned to reality.  He was back, he loved me, this was the working of fate.  Nothing could stand in the way of real love.  The feelings of walking on air came back over night and although not perfect or what I expected I thought this is what destiny has chosen for me so it must be good. 

I preached to the world you have to believe.  Love conquers all and if you believe in it then it will always have your back.  Until it fell apart again.  Obviously my blog is proof that it has been difficult.  I was a person who believed so hard that I couldn't believe anything could destroy what I had.  I felt abandoned, desperate, and as if a piece of me was missing.  I was physically, mentally, emotionally sick and exhausted.  How could fate do such a terrible number on me?  I couldn't understand what was happening or what I was doing.  Finally I shut down, embarrassed for believing in love, embarrassed for feeling fooled, and embarrassed for the things I had done in my plight to save us.  I wasn't like Charlotte anymore and I thought love is bullshit.

I was over it all.  It was all nothing but children's fairy tales and each time I seen a happy couple I would laugh.  Instead of my normal cheerleading I was the one who would remind them love doesn't make the world go around.  Like Charlotte after her Harry left her, after she tried so hard, I didn't care about love anymore.  For whatever reason the stars had decided that I wasn't deserving so why keep hope in something that isn't going to happen?  I was bitter, full of anger, full of hate and some towards him; the rest toward myself.  I couldn't stop going over the why's and the how's in my head.  It didn't help that the words being exchanged were more hurtful then anything I had ever said to my worst enemy.  I couldn't shrug this feeling of sadness and missing.  I never wanted to feel that again and I figured I must be too damaged for love; so I closed up shop on my heart.

A couple of months ago I found myself feeling sad and I asked for some kind of sign to make me believe again.  This wasn't in my character and it wasn't who I was.  Almost over night the signs started coming. Little by little I started to have hope again and then I started praying again.  If I gave up on fate then fate would give up on me.  I had to believe in order to receive.  Everything does happen for a reason and we can't expect to understand the big picture when it is still not done being painted.  Sometimes big parts of the picture are filled in.  Other times like now a flower will get added here and there to give a clue a bigger piece will be painted in soon.  Out of darkness comes light.  Like Charlotte each day I start to believe a little more again that love conquers all.  My happy ending is coming soon; it just has a bit of a rain delay right now.

The End Is Almost Here....Good Riddens 2011!

In my life it seems every other year I am due for a bad one.  While 2010 was most excellent till the very end 2011 has proved to be a real asshole of a year.  It's not because I turned thirty and I am filled with sorrows due to my youth ending.  It is due to about a million other things that went wrong and I can't wait to leave them behind in a year that has past.  My life was like a Bridget Jones movie on crack in 2011.  Thus I decided to make a top five list of the dumbass things that I can't wait to say peace out to come 2012.

1). Strike Two In Tom and Me's Relationship Issues
In 2010 I was a so confident that love conquers all and everything happens for a reason.  I was sure Tom and I were meant to be together.  He came back into my life a knight in shining armour.  Well 2011 had different plans.....it even invaded the end of 2010 to plant it's evil seed.  My little wonderful took a time machine back to August 2008 and I wasn't good enough yet again.  My mind was filled with crazy and my heart was as broke as ever.  One month would be good and one month would be bad.  Until the mecca of all 2011 blow ups when Tom accused me of stalking and threatened to call the cops......followed by pretending I was dead the remainder of the year.  Oh what fun that was!  While I haven't completely given up on love and I guess I learned that when someone tells you they are changing you should look for the actual action of it more then the words.  Oh and we should take responsibility for our own actions I am glad that is behind me.  I am so over heartache no matter who it's with.  Hopefully I have paid my dues when it comes to terrible things that can overwhelm someones love.

2). Getting Rid of Friends Who Lack Principles
I have spent the year trying to banish the people in my life who brought too much drama.  Sometimes you feel bad about letting people go especially if you have been friends with them for a long time.  But then you realize it when they get you dragged into their shit the friendship isn't worth it.  I am over people telling me that they cheated and then expecting me to cover up for them.  I am no longer going to care if they try to blame me for their problems that don't have anything to do with me.  Birds of a feather flock together and I don't want friends that think it's ok to do stuff I don't agree with and make people assume I am the same way.  In my older age I am loyal to my man and I don't think it's ok to destroy someones life just because you only care about yourself.  Therefore peace out to my friends who are now my enemies.

3). Working for Idiots
In 2011 I found myself stressed out over a job that was completely irrelevant to anything I would ever do with my life.  It was literally making me sick to go into work.  I was beat down and told I maybe wasn't good enough for the job.  That was bullshit.  I had more education then most people there including the boss.  I can't believe I was written up for not wanting to be friends with people at work I don't care about.  If I am going to do work just to get a paycheck while I am finishing my education I at least want it to be relevant.  So I told those fools at Citi to suck it and moved on. 

4). Being Lazy
2011 was my laziest year in a long time.  I had no motivation to do much of anything all year.  I was procrastinating on homework.  I didn't work out like I should.  I didn't speak up when I should have.  I slept my cares away and didn't think about myself a whole lot.  Well I learned it's okay to be selfish because when you are lazy it just makes the things that are bad seem a lot worse.  If you want something you have to go out and get it....that means taking risks.  I'm not going to just play it safe anymore.

5. Worrying About Other People's Opinions
Everyone had an opinion about every situation in my life in 2011.  It didn't matter if it was in relation to love or work.  As I took it all in it made my mind spin more then it was before.  I became paranoid and uneasy.  The bottom line it is my life and I will do what I want with it.  If someone doesn't like it then too bad.  As long as I am happy that is all that should matter.  It's my bed and I am the one that has to lay in it.

If You End Up On Cheaters It's Probably Your Own Fault Stupids....

In relationships everyone makes mistakes here and there.  Some of those mistakes are really big ones and some are small petty ones.  There are people who have very little turmoil in their relationship and others who have one bump in the road after the other. The point is everyone has problems as a couple.The question that surrounds each situation is whether or not you love a person enough to suck it up and say I messed up, this is why, I want to fix it because. 
Typically I don't like to pass judgement or get involved in other people's relationships.  I know what it's like to have interference from outside influence and I also know what it's like to have serious problems that need to be dealt with as a couple.  But all of that changes when someone brings you into their drama. Typically that happens when they refuse to accept responsibility for their own actions.  They want to find someone to blame for their relationship falling apart.  I don't deal with that kind of shit.

First of all I have been completely open on my blog about the issues that Tom and I have had over the years.  There were people both family and friends who enjoyed adding fuel to the fire when it came to the issues we had. Sometimes we let those opinions effect our relationship and other times we did not.  In the last four plus years we have loved and hated each other.  We have been together and we have been separated.  There were times we acted out in the most foolish and idiotic ways.  I did stupid things out of desperation and he did stupid things out of fear.  But those things we did never involved other people and eventually we always admitted what we did wrong.  Eventually we would forgive each other.  Sometimes it would take a couple of days or like now months could pass.  I will be the first to say I'm sorry for what I did, I love Tom, but I don't like the way that he was treating me.  I will tell anyone there is no way for us to be together if he isn't willing to face our problems head on and work as a team to overcome them.  I think that is a healthy thought and so does my shrink.

Back to the losers, well more like the chicken shits who refuse to look in the mirror and say what I did is my fault....it was really screwed up of me.  Those people who cheat and lie because they think they are invincible.  Recently I separated myself from a friend because of her constant relationship dramas.  I was sick of boyfriends and husbands calling me looking for her at four am.  I was annoyed with how irresponsible she was with her relationships; jumping from one to the next just because she was board.  But even still myself and others get dragged in.  When you do something awful like cheat the truth always comes out and apparently it did for her yet again.  Yet instead of saying yes I cheated on my husband her story is it's all lies my friend is so jealous of me she made it up.  She had to find a scape goat. 

Bottom line I didn't make her do anything or make anything up.  Matter of fact I don't even speak to her.  I'll let her blame me because I don't really care to get involved.  The thing is she can deny whatever she wants and in the end that will be the demise of her marriage.  Some other issue will come up over something else she does and she won't be able to blame anyone.  Her husband won't be willing to work with her because he won't find her to be honest.  That will be no ones fault but her own. She didn't really love him or herself enough maybe.  If she did she would have said she screwed up and done whatever she could to save her marriage the right way.

In the meantime yes I am alone but I am not jealous.  I feel like I am going about dealing with the issues Tom and I created properly.  There are things I need to work on and so does he.....whether we remained a couple or not.  We never let it get to the point where we were cheating and bringing others into our problems.  The emotional trauma we caused remained in between the four walls of our little home.  We have only pointed the finger at each other and never did we say it's all their fault.  I always thought Tom and I were very immature....after this whole fiasco maybe we are not.  At least in the end we may have to spend a lot seeing a shrink but we won't be on cheaters. 

You Had a Kid....You Didn't Cure AIDS!

As a non-mom I just needed to take a moment and say I DON'T GIVE A DAMN, SHIT, FUCK about your stupid kid.  Yeah Yeah I am sure all the mommas and mommies to be out there are going to be so offended by what I have to say....but guess what.....this is my blog.  Therefore I will hate kids and bash them as I see fit.  Let's take a minute to talk about my latest annoyances about kids.  First of all why so many fucking nicknames?  I mean seriously it's a human being not a dog.  Do you have to find one million ways to call your kid that are even more stupid then the awful name you gave it when it was born?  The second annoyance I have with kids lately is all the pictures of them.....on facebook, in emails, on blogs, in cubicles, and on the wall in your house.  I am sure all these parents will say, "Well you post too many pictures of your dog."  Well fuckette dogs are fucking cute.  They sell millions of calendars and products every single year.  They also beat babies and kids out on the regular on America's funniest videos. 

Then there is that entitlement that you ladies feel just because you're moms.  I'm over the well you don't understand because you don't have kids.  Just because you got pregnant and had a baby doesn't make you better or smarter then me.  You know why?  Because anyone can get knocked up.  I was even knocked up at one point and it wasn't hard to do.  I just had to get wasted with Tom and let him bone me raw dog....boom I was knocked up.  That's all it took....my cervix is just stupid.  Yes that is what went wrong it was incompetent according to the doctors. Yes it was sad and sure it may be kind of evil that secretly on the inside I am so God damn glad I don't have a kid right now. But still it wasn't hard to become pregnant.  Monkey's can do it.  So a big go fuck yourself for your higher then thou attitude.  My degree is more of an accomplishment then your stupid baby.  Maybe you have kids because you are a bigger whore then I am.

While we are on the topic of kids and why they are stupid it would be nice if you would sometimes or most of the time tell your little ugly brat to SHUT THE FUCK UP!  I don't care about anything the kid has to say about Santa, play dough, or Barbies.  Kids voices make my ears bleed and conversation with them isn't cute.  So put a muzzle on them when it's grown up time.  Last but not least if you are that asshole that takes your kid to the mall, target, or starbucks put them in the damn stroller.  Really there is no reason for them to be walking around and getting in my way.  The lord invented strollers for a reason and that was to strap those little shit heads in and keep them out of the way.  If you decide to let them walk around don't get pissed when they get kidnapped by some creeper or when I trip them while they are walking for fun. That's all hopefully I can get through the rest of my day with out having to see another stupid kid!