Only The Good Die Young

It's a tie between death and heart ache as the two things that devastate humanity the most.  Each of them can make a person feel like they don't want to go on to tomorrow.  I guess for the last few months I have been dealing with a broken heart and just as I was feeling strong again I was reminded of how delicate life is.  Today my cousin passed away and he was just beginning to live his adult life not even thirty five.  It's a horrible tragedy and I think my entire family is feeling the loss.  Even though we all didn't see each other all the time he was the one that everyone was so proud of he was good and he was honest. 

Loss is loss and when a young person passes it makes me angry; such a waste.  But today I felt as though I wanted to scream at someone as to how life is so unfair.  As I sat at my aunts house in the aftermath of today's events I heard someone crying alone.  It was my cousins wife, they haven't been married long, and they have a young son.  I started to think and started to grow frustrated.  Our one purpose in life is to find love.  To open our hearts and make room for someone else's vessel.  Because until we find that match, that person we are willing to grow with a piece of us is missing.  Here was a person who found that missing piece only to have it broken away from her.  Just when she thought life was bright and although I had only met her on a few occasions I know my cousin loved her.  I know that because his eyes lit up when he talked about his young family.

So here are two souls ripped apart before time should have allowed and here we are many of us selfish.  I think about my life and I get even more annoyed.  A year ago I decided to start trying to be more accepting because that is how you bring love in.  But we forget how fragile we are and all the stupidities of life and our flaws begin to get in the way.  Everything gets complicated and we say I'm done.  We never think about maybe I am jumping the gun.  Maybe I need to relax, maybe I need to be more understanding, maybe I need to learn to let go and forgive.  Perhaps I need to do all those things because life could pass me by at an instant and I will have regrets about what I have done.

Love doesn't die over night and it doesn't fade away when the soul departs from the body.  If it is real love it stays inside you forever because memories never die. What is lost is the scent of someone or feeling their embrace.  These kinds of things happen to good people every single day.  That's why if given the opportunity you should always tell someone how you feel about them.  It's okay to think that love conquers all and to accept I'm sorry.   The reason is because every day is precious and if you think you have found that missing piece of your puzzle you should cherish every moment, never knowing how long you will get to live in that moment; the one where everything feels perfect.  Where the two really feel like one.

Your Life Is More Like a Donkey's Then A Unicorn

I live in city where it is custom to be a child bride.  Married by the time you are twenty five, kids by twenty five and half, then divorced by thirty.  After that you have achieved everything that is expected of you in this backward place of bibles and drinking in secret dark corners.  Every second of the day if you choose to be a rebel someone will be there trying to crush you spirit.  Well I want to tell those people I'm not a donkey and they are full of shit.

I don't know how many years I spent secretly agonizing about not coming in first at the horse race.  Not living in the right house with the perfect husband and worrying about my eggs drying up before their time.  But the truth of the matter is those people that tell me I am a misfit they are the ones that don't belong....because most people in the real world think the people of West Michigan are out their damn minds.  I am only thirty and I needed time to make my mistakes.  At this point in my life I am just figuring out who I am.  My emotions have been crushed by everything from death to love and I have learned to be a fighter.

I am so much more then a tan Barbie with super cute hot pink lip gloss.  Just because I don't have a little bling on my left ring finger it doesn't mean I'm not a unicorn.  I had a relationship and I worked harder on it then any married couple I know.  Then just when I thought I was going to grow up and take the next step the boat started sinking.  Some people think I should have slit my wrists over the disappointments of my life.  I think they are going to have a huge botox bill by the time they are forty.  Humanity is a totally dysfunctional species of animal and Darwin was right it is about survival of the fittest. 

There were plenty of dinosaurs that followed the rules and they are all dead now.  What is the fun of life if you don't get the chance to fall on your ass a couple of times?  I have learned to always expected the unexpected.  I can say right now I think prince charming is a piece of shit and I would love to send three little pigs to blow his pathetic house down....but I could change my mind. It's like when you eat at a restaurant and the service sucks.  You think to yourself I am never going back to Olive Garden.  Then one day you do and you realize I love this place!

 Maybe I'm not meant to be with a stuffy prince, if I am looking for magic I might need to find a wizard.  How amazing would it be to have someone to spend your days with that can make something out of nothing?!  In the rest of the world women my age are taking exotic vacations with girlfriends and experiencing everything the universe has to offer.  It's just popping the bubble and realizing there is more to look forward to then belonging to someone.  I would rather be accomplished then be someones property.  I would rather have passion then perfection.  I have never settled for anything but love even if it was dysfunctional because it was real and I wouldn't settle for a marriage just to meet some bullshit quota.  That all being said when you think about it what do you think the outsiders looking in see when they compare you to me.  I think they see a bunch of donkeys and then they look at me....the glorious unicorn.

You will never be a trophy wife.....take that meggles.

First I want to say that I started doing this as an outlet for my sorrows and all the terrible shit that comes out of being in a relationship with someone who is half redneck half frat boy with a side of addiction.  Well as I was sitting around plotting my next move and watching The Real Housewives of New York City (excellent show if you haven't watched you are missing out on life) something wonderful happened.  I found out this that idiot girl Meggles (aka I used to torment her in high school and think her value on earth is equal to that of a maggot) and her master plan of becoming a trophy wife had exploded in her face.  It was epic to say the least and I have been laughing about it for several days.

Now if you are new to my blog well welcome and I need to remind everyone I am not really a nice person.  If there was a way to put a picture in the urban dictionary's definition of mean girl well I have a couple that they can use of moi.  I suppose that I should give some background on the dumbest bitch in West Michigan aka Meggles.  Lets see gets married to her high school sweetheart, gets divorced, gets fired from her nanny job due to drunken antics and the family whom she nannied for repo's BMW.  Decides to become a bar star moves in with friends, gets knocked up by an Asian guy she believed to be rich, later finds out he isn't so her trap back fires (hilarious so far huh) and while pregnant gets friends evicted from apartment due to her lack of employment.  Meggles never pays friends back for eviction, gets fired from several bar jobs because she lacks personality.  Meets some meat head who everyone in town knows is a scam artist, yet she marries him with in a few months because he promises her life long dream of being trophy wife, they share the perfection of their relationship via facebook for our entertainment, and Meggles brags about her "two carats."  As her enemy and being in touch with my psychic side I wait by the side lines for this to all fall apart so I can watch with my popcorn and evil laugh.

I knew this girl was not as smart as Gretchen ala RHW of Orange County.  This meat head wasn't dying of some cancer and she wasn't going to get some big fat check when he dropped dead.  Meggles wasn't going to sing out, "State Farm Is There" like Gretchen, get her own handbag line she didn't design herself, and start making sex tapes with some guy named Slade (see you gotta watch The Real Housewives it's great stuff).  Anyway one fine summer day her life fell apart and I finally got to open that glorious box of boy scout popcorn; only the best for me baby.  You might be able to take the scam artist out of prison but you can't that prison mentality out of the scam artist.....bam he got her ass!  On a side note Ben her meathead husband is my hero now; he gave me some great material don't drop the soap buddy. 

The idiot found out her life was a lie!  Her rich man, her meal ticket, he was back to his old tricks.....hello embezzlement.  Meggles who loved to brag about living on her fancy lake, well that lake wasn't hers cause that fake housewife had a landlord.  That meathead left her high and dry.  Her cell phone shut off, her jewelry including her two carats all as fake as her cheap extensions, and life as she knew it over.  Her plan of greatness was foiled and she went from being a star on the scene (which I hate to break it to the citizens of West Michigan but being a some body on the bar scene actually makes you look cheap and being a guest list at a bar with no line doesn't buy you class) to having to resort to selling everything her her rental house!  Oh marvelous days of glory I am loving watching every second of this lifetime movie.

But hearing about what is going on is just the icing on the cake.  Thanks to my amazing mean girl inner circle I have been forwarded every exciting facebook and text message entry in regards to her demise.  Meggles has become little miss oh life will get better, oh keep my business out of your mouth, oh I will get through this....apparently she would like to lead people to believe she is a Gloria ganier song.  But the truth is I know this bitch is dying inside, this girl who gave up alcohol because she is such an adult but fell of the wagon already due to her sobriety being an act, miss I'm a great mom but check out these pictures of me at the bar.  This piece of shit is going to remain in the bog of eternal stench where she belongs for a long time.  She won't even be able to get a real job because she has no skills or education.

So a note to idiots like Meggles don't try to fly with the eagles if you are nothing but a duck because you will get shot down.  One does not become a trophy wife by simply having Michigan hot looks and a brain the size of a peanut.  Take some lessons from The Real Housewives; they may act stupid but they are not.  They all have something to fall back on, some trust fund, some prenup, some business even if it is selling bedding on the Internet.  They are sales women selling the benefits of putting them on a pedestal not just the outer package.  No real man who is actually looking for a trophy wife wants some broad who is nothing but a washed up bar star in a city that is about as important as a penny is valuable.  But go a head girl keep doing your thing because it gives me plenty to laugh and blog about.

Day Who Fricken Knows

I feel like that second twilight book where Bella is too depressed to write so the chapters just read, November, December, and so on.  Pretty much because I think I was depressed and now I am just disappointed.  I keep thinking back on this time last year and how happy I was.  I was so full of laughter because I love to joke.  I felt special going spur of the moment midnight trips to watch an eclipse or making pie at 3AM.  My life is very far from those events now and as I start a new chapter I am a little sad still today.  I always was the one who believed in love that it would come for everyone.  I don't think I believe in it anymore.

People are sick they have problems and society has expectations.  Those things can trump love at a the drop of a dime.  It's not about forever anymore and I fought hard yet the favor was not returned.  There are seconds where I let myself float to a different place where I think maybe just maybe this was a stepping stone and there is someone out there for me.  But, the truth is I think love is bullshit in my reality.  I am sure someone will come along to screw me over and then Tom will come back do something worse then he did the last time......a broken record on repeat.

Yeah I don't want to hear anyone say your life is what you make of it.  You know why because I am working at making the other portions of my life perfect.  But this part from my past it haunts me and I had to stop trying to fix it.  I must have done something terrible in my past life.  I don't want to write about happy stories because I am not happy and this is my outlet.  What I would really love to do is run Tom over with a bus.  That could be fun.  I want him to hurt the way that I do.  I want him to feel my pain.

It's really annoying because he never has to pay any consequences for his actions.  I think I might need a Buddha statue at my house to bring me better luck.  I think I need to make offerings to the Saints that manage my love life to make it better.  I think I need to run away to the moon and take a xanax.  Everything is so random right now.....I still feel like I am just existing.  Something has got to give soon or I am going to scream bloody murder.

I know why people medicate themselves because who wants to deal with feelings?  This really sucks!  Back and fourth up and down.  I am done with it already.  I need to be swept off my feet.  I need someone to call me with great news.  I need to have a fucking epiphany already.  My life is like a Fiona apple song, sad and pathetic.  I can't live out another ten years like this where is my fairy god mother when I need her.  If I can't have everything I want at least kick Tom out of my dreams at night.