Rock bottom....they say everyone has to hit it once and a while. Except for me I feel like once and a while is more like once every year. Just a couple of weeks ago I felt like I was on top of the world. I had money to buy the things I wanted. I had time to spend with friends. My heart was filled with love and excitement. I began to rediscover myself, ready to change, ready to be a new and better person. But, in a matter of 24 hours all of that changed.
I suddenly was cast over in a cloud of darkness. I had reached the gates to the depths of despair. A long day of worked ended in rejection as my employer cast me off. I had to put on my costume again and become a monkey dancing for peanuts. I got home and thought everything will be fine because something better will come along. It's just money and at least I still have a heart filled with love. I committed to myself that I would get through it. That as long as I had inner happiness nothing could bring me down.
I was mistaken.....as the next day started and I woke from my slumber I felt unsettled. Something was wrong I could sense it. I wasn't going to let it get to me. I decided to contact my heart to bring a little cheer in life. But he was distant so I chalked it up as a bad day. I went on to conquer a more simply task, but sometimes even the most simple things can be complicated. I was so overwhelmed I needed him and when I sought comfort I did not receive a warm welcome.
Abandonment had come....I easily recognized the feeling as it consumed my soul. It's something I have felt countless numbers of times. It had originated as a feeling I was exposed to by my very own family. The people that you love the most, when things get hard or complicated.....they don't always want to deal with it or stick around. There he was silent, unaffected by my sorrows, not looking at me. He was preparing to abandon me. I was officially in the depths of despair. The change I was finally ready to create had come too late. Nothing mattered to him, I didn't matter to him. Suddenly the one thing that I thought I had in all the darkness that was bright it disappeared.
I feel like there is no point in anything I do. It doesn't matter how hard I work. I doesn't matter how much I love. Some how happiness can only stay with me for short periods of time. I wish I was a simple girl, with a simple life. One with no complications and no vice. But, I am not and so it is. I am destined to be nothing, not worth being loved, abandoned. I am not even good enough to be on the receiving end of a hug.
