Before I can begin this little story which today will not be a real "story" but the truth on my actual reality I think I need to give a little explanation of what the narcissist and the story teller really are....
First the Narcissist (His Illness)
Narcissists do not feel good about themselves so they need a perfect person to bring them to a higher level. They're terribly insecure and they cover it up with these grandiose fantasies. These are relationships that break up before marriage because the narcissistic one is afraid of making a commitment because the grass may be greener somewhere else. This is the person who comes on really strong, and then once you warm up they become all cool and critical and they have this unrealistic idea of how perfect someone has to be for them. They're so consumed with themselves that they're not loving anyone else. They will pick apart every flaw and never let their partner forget that this imperfection is the reason the relationship will not move on to the next level. When choosing a serious partner typically it can be based on beauty or wealth. They will expect their partners to bend over backward while they contribute minimally to the relationship. Often there is a pattern of breaking up and making up. In addition in most cases issues of an addictive personality in combination with narcissism are present. However if treated with therapy there can be resolve. Along with the support and understanding of a strong an loving partner. It will take team work but can be conquered.
Next the Story Teller (Pseudologia Fantastica, My Illness)
A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary. For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship. But with help the person can be healed. The first thing to do when dealing with a pathological liar is to confront them. Since you are threatening their fantasies, they would try to argue with you or act defensive. Do not expect them to agree with what you are saying immediately. Also, do not accuse them of something. Rather, be sensitive and understanding. Tell them that it is alright to be ordinary or less exciting rather than faking just to impress others. Tell them that you will love them even if they do not have anything thrilling to tell or lead an ordinary life. Since you are dealing with a personality disorder here, if things do not improve or change, you can take help from a psychiatrist. Therapy and your love can do wonders for your partner.
Okay enough of the psychology lesson but in order to tell a true story there has to be a little light shed on the dysfunction lingering in the background. My relationship has never been completely perfect. While there are many moments filled with so much happiness and laughter there are others where it's hit "rock bottom." He has described it as a roller coaster which may be a fitting example. This is a love affair that happened by accident. It was never planned out or wished for at all. For years there was always some strange and unexplainable attraction but nothing that we ever jumped in on full force. Then one day we were both at a point in life where we were self destructive and one night fate united us. Lovers that is what we were and nothing more....nor did either of us want more. But, life had other plans and with in a few months I discovered I was pregnant. It was the scariest moment of my life at the time and nothing that I wanted. I had to tell him and the reaction was not positive, immediately I went into survival mode. I became the story teller full force. I would not let this man hurt me or our child. But, the chaos of death surrounded and engulfed us, anxiety set in.
So we came together. We decided to do what was best for this little family that we were starting. But, I don't think either of us was really committed to that idea. He was more committed to his drinking and pulling me in. Although, this was one of the few times I can remember him reflecting on how he felt as if he could love me. I was still in defense mode, even while I was falling for him, I kept secrets. I lied about doctors appointments, I didn't want him there 100%. Yet, at the same time I was falling in love with him. It was the most complicated feeling I have ever encountered. More challenges were soon presented as he was arrested and I lost the baby. That's when the real challenges began. He wanted to conquer his vices and I well I was so afraid and desperate, the lying had already been done. Thanks to that he began to doubt me. He didn't believe he was ever going to have a son.
Yes that is a lot of negativity....but it wasn't all bad. Whether you rewind or fast forward there are a couple things that have always been constant. The amount of passion between us. No matter how self loving he is or how desperate I get with my stories. Every touch is like a magnetic force that makes you feel like you are melting. We can't get enough of each other and that part of us, the intimate part is beautiful. There is no other way to describe it. We care for each other so much that we would do just about anything to make sure the other is safe and taken care of. I would do anything for him and he would do anything for me. This element did not happen over night. It has come over time. It's taken everything in us, in our sicknesses to be able to be at that level with one another. But, it's there and I don't think it will ever go away.
We feel like home to each other. A safe place, one where we can laugh and be ourselves. One where we are happy just being in each others company. A place where we can cry and not be judged. You might all be thinking well what's the problem? Why aren't you two so in love and married? Because we have problems because he is a narcissist and I am a story teller. No matter what he will find my faults, he will look at the negative, he will say it's too much for him, that he cannot deal with it. I in turn will go into story teller mode not being honest with him or myself. I don't want to think there are problems. I just want us to carry on. But, that is not fixing anything. His solution is to run and mine is to hide in my fantasies. But, the difference between him and I is I never leave him alone when he is down. I carry him up, I take on his problems, because my illness allows me to love while his does not.
Now we are at a cross roads where neither of us can handle these illnesses anymore. I am tired of having to be the storyteller. I am finally really making the changes. I may have lied and said time and time again that I would stop being a storyteller, but this time it's different. I started a treatment program for myself, for the people I hurt, for us. The hurt I have cause both him and others that has become apparent over the last two weeks is profound and today at church I cried. How could I hurt someone that I care for so much? He on the other hand his ideas of how things need to be handled are much different. While he may have conquered addiction I don't know if he will ever conquer that attraction to his own reflection. To seek treatment I don't think he believes in it. If he pushes me away he doesn't have to deal with any of the problems. He's a narcissist, the grass is always greener on the other side. Now I sit alone when I need him the most he is absent. I think to myself, while our beginnings weren't perfect, we are not perfect. God continues to bring us back together. I don't think this is our ending, I feel like it's the opportunity for us to have a new beginning. We have helped each other through so much and this is the final challenge. I see all of that finally out of honesty, a place that is both scary and foreign for me. Now if only there were an easy way to get the narcissist to open his eyes too. For him to see that now is the time that we can really make a change and help one another so we can have a better tomorrow by holding each other's hand. What I live may be complicated, biology may have made it so, but it's real and that is no fantasy.
