I am not a quitter I am just sometimes a little spaced out. I was on a mental vacation for the last month, I say vacation because I am not sure where my mind was. It was like five weeks I don't remember a second of because that is what happens when I get broken down. My mind and body go all zombiebot so I am able to cope and get through each day. So on the bright side I am not crying myself to sleep at night or having nightmares about terrible monsters who are eating my belly. Yes that is a long time story and has been a life long nightmare, but another time my friends. However there is a negative and that is that I don't so anything that would live up to the standards set by my sane stable self.
I started thinking tonight I haven't been able to compose a sentence for my blog how in the hell was I doing my homework! Holy balls batman I am going to have to step it up for the next six weeks and thank the Gods that spring break is next week so I can turn things around. It's shocking I am sure to most of you. Finally after so many years of hard work I am almost at my goal and I am going to graduate from my dream school. You see ever since I can remember I wanted to go to a certain big ten school, be in a sorority, be a college cheerleader, meet some fellow dinosaur loving artsy type like me, and graduate from University of Illinois together. Unfortunate for me my life is never on a straight road and the younger I was the easier it was to be off track. So I threw that dream away for keggers and mall jobs. Here I was getting my second chance and the opportunity for one of those lost dreams to come true...I am going to be Illinois alumni! As long as I snap out of it and get back to the program.
It makes me feel a little sick to realize I let it get this way again. I was riding on a high for a while my momentum helped me reach some of my goals. But man did I get shot down like bird hit by a bee bee gun. All because of one single person Tom. So you might think I am the biggest idiot in the world for saying this or even feeling it, but it's real and it's my reality. I love Tom and it breaks my heart to know he is such a sick person. Even though he portrays his life to be perfect and his mind to be normal. Even though if you know Tom and you know me he may have even convinced you that I was the lunatic. I really don't hate him and I forgive him for breaking me down. It has made me stronger and it has taught me the range of emotions a human being is capable of having. I would be the first person to help him up when he falls. But it's because when you really love some one the bullshit doesn't matter. That kind of love just doesn't disappear. If you want to know what I was dealing with well if you have seen Charlie Sheen lately.....you just got a peek into what I was living with since thanksgiving.
All that momentum got sucked right out of me and I started falling back towards the ground. I was beat up on the inside and started to question my life. Was I a loser? Here I am almost thirty, still in school, working at some stupid job that I hate, spending most nights hanging out with my TV, feeling unattractive, and dealing with this dutch warlock.....winning! My soul is still today a little tormented. So I was thinking maybe I was one of those people who wasn't going to realize their dreams. Maybe I should just stop thinking that I could have a nice life. I totally fucked up. It takes a special person to love and be in a relationship with someone who is sick like Tom. The first rule is you have to learn to separate yourself from their sick self. If not you will be contaminated. It is better to love from a distance when they start to get ill.
If not it's open season and you are the closest easiest target for the rage. I should have just walked away for a while. I don't think I was ready for a breakdown so soon. I wasn't practicing my emergency plan early enough. But now I know and I can only say I hope he gets out of this relapse soon; not for me, or us, but for him. No not so he comes running back to me so we can live happily ever after. Because it would make me sick to watch him throw his life away. It's so sad what has been happening in both our lives lately I shed tears thinking about it. But, I can't let go of those things that I have worked so hard for and the dreams I have coming true right now. They say if you give positive to the universe it gives it back. It is so true and so easy to forget. I am at such a turning point in life now the decisions I make today effect my entire tomorrow. Being happy with me is what makes me whole and I know that. Working hard for me and my Frenchie. While I may be growing older (hello first dermatologist appointment this coming Monday) I am wiser. Life has many more downs then ups and love isn't always a fairytale. You really have to take things as they come. There is no point in dwelling because it will only keep you in the dark. The dark is a scary place! I'm not hoping for tomorrow I am manifesting it. I don't care about what anyone else thinks or sees because it doesn't matter. I learn my own lessons, I make my own way, and I create my own dreams.
