Webster's dictionary describes limbo as a region or condition of oblivion or neglect. It uses the example, "Tom left Sally's position in limbo for months before making a decision." Suddenly I realized my heart was in limbo and it has been for two months now. Every day I wake up and I read or hear about someone else and the realm of happiness that they are living in. For a while I have thought I must have done something very terrible to be in this relationship purgatory, struggling each day, waiting for God to forgive me, to grant me entrance into heaven and all it's glory. But as I sat around trying to figure out all the things that I did wrong and how to make them right it dawned on me that maybe I was not being punished by God. I was being held captive in limbo by the man I loved with all my heart.
Currently I live my life very similar to the way a bird does that has had its wings clipped. They are long enough so I can flutter about for a bit but they are cut so I cannot fly away. He will give me months, weeks, or moments of happiness. Enough to perk me up and not realize I am in a trap. Then just as quickly as he swept me off my feet he smashes me down like a bug. Most people would have escaped this limbo which feels so much more like hell on Earth by now. But I have not. I sit stagnate unable to move and I am often having difficultly breathing. I am filled with so many feelings. The ones that electrify me intensify the love I have for this man. The feelings of warmth are then followed by feelings of anger and frustration.
One day he thinks I am the most beautiful woman in world and the next he does not want to acknowledge that I exist. I am left so confused I cannot decide if I should run or not. Well let me be honest I don't want to run because I am a fool for loving him so much. I just settle on the fact that happiness and heaven will never come to me. That this is my life and there is no escaping it. So every night I get on my knees and I pray to God. I beseech him that he please answer my prayers and release the love I know we have from this limbo. To let us be happy, to give me a reason to brag, and smile. But each day that I continue to suffer I feel like I have to fight harder to have faith. I just don't know how much longer I can wait for a miracle. So if there is a God and he has heard my prayers I very humbly ask him to please come to my aid, to our aid. If love is true should he not guide it in the right direction after all?
