The Biggest Wish

As I sit here alone yet one more thanksgiving eve.  Another one where we are having irreconcilable differences I feel very bland and sad.  Today I felt very alone all afternoon.  I want answers but not a single person on earth can give them to me right now.  The empty feeling drove me to go to confession.  I thought perhaps if I am absolved of my sins I will feel better.  While I was there the priest said to me in regards to my relationship that we are dishonest when we feel that we are not safe.  A woman who is with a man for five years who leaves her ever six months must feel like she is very much in danger.  So she must first remember she is not alone because God is always with her and loving her.  Then she must fight for what she wants and she must make that very clear to the man because only then with change come and will life move forward.  A man's Faith is what allows him to make the leap.  If that Faith is in no one but himself he will remain in the same spot for all eternity.  Then he asked me what is it that I want?

I never really think about what I want.  It is always about what can I do to make our relationship better.  It's about what I can do to make him happy and to keep him from running.  But there are things that I want from him.  First and foremost I want him to stop running and fighting our live.  I want him to be able to see me and love me so hard that it frees him.  Then I would like to be married in a beautiful church.  Promising God that we will love each other through all of life's trials. I would also like to have children together.  A family of our very own to raise together.  To give all of the love that we can possibly can to them and watch them grow up.  For us to be together in love always.

So those are the things I need to ask him for and I need to pray to God to give me strength to request.  If our love is meant to be then it will.  But what I want this forever it's not coming easy.  That means I need to believe in something and have Faith as well.  I can't keep falling or I will never be on my feet long enough to catch my dreams.