I am sitting here on the couch and over and over in my head liar liar pants of fire is on repeat. I keep rewinding to recent events. Tom's bestie says; "he left you because you lied and he finally had proof." Tom saying, "She is perfect at everything she is just a liar." I am completely dumb founded not because I am being called a liar but because of the situations Tom created that made me turn into that! Here he was yet again trying to play the role of the one who got hurt.
Tom wants everyone to believe that he gave me so many chances and that I betrayed him because I wasn't truthful. How could have been? I was so scared of the judgemental bullshit that would come out of his mouth if he knew the truth half the time. Because that is what Tom does when he is deep in his own dark place.....he picks at me and pushes me until I snap. Then he is no longer the one with the problems, I am. I think how much of superficial can one person be filled with?
Tom wanted to tell me this story about how great his life is going. He gets to spend all his time gambling, doesn't sleep for days, and has to eat whole tomatoes for dinner because there is no food in his house. Sounds like he is doing great! I wish he could listen to himself he is beyond sick. Here I am still thinking about what a shitty person I am, because I lied. I really am some kind of masochist. Tom wants to take me out for dinner soon.....which means he is ready to make me happy again so he can crush it as soon as I am at my highest point.
People are I am sure convinced we are both crazy because that is really the truth. I think I am the one who is the most insane because I can actually reflect on what is going on over and over again. Yet I choose to invite it in over and over again. Yes Tom is good deep down inside but his demons run deeper. Every time I turn to exit one more thing comes up.....now we will be working next door to each other five days a week. My office seems to have a suicide wish out for me. People who have a belief in God say that he puts people into our lives for a reason, that all this must mean something.
Miracles can happen but they have never happened to me. So I just don't see how this could all turn into a fairy tale. If it did I would have some strong believers and a couple witches telling me I told you so. Tom would say I willed it so it happened that way. I want to believe because I don't want to loose faith in love it's the only thing I have ever believed in. Then I think what happens if I did will such a thing...Tom as Prince Charming? It's gonna take one really powerful fairy god mother for that one. Because really realizing your faults and the implications of your actions is a hard thing to swallow; trust me I know.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Day 24 (A night of magic)
A long time ago, so long ago that only the wing can remember, when the earth was very young there lived a magician and his daughter. They lived a very nice life as the magician was in service to the king of this great new earth. His daughter was very beautiful, bright, and youthful like the spring. Her hair so long and black. Her eyes were the color of the dirt that gave life to the flower and plants. One day the magician came home and told her that she was to marry very soon and he must let her go. This was a problem because the girl had already promised her heart to another. The son of the king of this magical realm. The young girl was so distraught she could not bear the thought of leaving her father or abandoning her one true love. But it was what the king ordered and she would never be allowed to be with the prince. The girl would rather die then trade her love for an obligation. So she thought she would run away and he would never find her.
She made her way to a staircase that led up the the Earth. A terrible place where one could feel real pain. It didn't matter to her for her life would be over if she stayed. The king was on to her he knew that she defied him. As she passed through the storms many life times past and the king vowed to punish her in each human existence. She would suffer and be alone. All hope was not lost because the prince searched for her over many lifetimes but just as he would be close to finding her to bring her home....she would disappear or his father would be onto his scheme. So he had to become more discrete and only come to her in dreams. He would go to her and advise her of a key that she must find and use to return. But the girl lived a new life each time she died and would dismiss the messages as nothing more then dreams. Until one day she found a strange key.....
She made her way to a staircase that led up the the Earth. A terrible place where one could feel real pain. It didn't matter to her for her life would be over if she stayed. The king was on to her he knew that she defied him. As she passed through the storms many life times past and the king vowed to punish her in each human existence. She would suffer and be alone. All hope was not lost because the prince searched for her over many lifetimes but just as he would be close to finding her to bring her home....she would disappear or his father would be onto his scheme. So he had to become more discrete and only come to her in dreams. He would go to her and advise her of a key that she must find and use to return. But the girl lived a new life each time she died and would dismiss the messages as nothing more then dreams. Until one day she found a strange key.....
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Day 23 (This Weather Is Very Doom Song)
So I realize it is the first really warm day we have had in a while....but it is so gloomy outside. It is making me feel sad on the inside. I am just going over and over in my head all the disappointments I have had in the last few years. Someone told me I am going through a phase where I feel like a victim and if I keep doing that nothing is going to turn around. But, you know what I can't help it. I mean really what does it feel like to be happy all the time? I really don't know because I have never had that experience.
I need sunshine back in my life right now and affections. The rain is getting to me and it's not good. I hate when I retreat to my hole and don't want to come out. I start to over analyze everything and produce nothing. If I want change I have to bring it out myself.....yet the energy is not there. It was funny because I was reading some emails I wrote around September. I don't know that person right now. They were so happy and upbeat. I seemed so hopeful and I believed I found some of the answers to life's mysteries. Now I don't know because I am such a paranoid freak.
I wish I could be back in those happy times where I wasn't breaking out over stress, dreading going to work, and not sleeping alone. Maybe I am being punished for something except I thought that I already finished my penance. I have got to get out of this funk, I need a plan.....my brain is just way to cloudy to make one right now. There are just so many unresolved issues right now in so many different areas. I have this huge homework project that is life and I am procrastinating. Maybe I am just afraid.
I need sunshine back in my life right now and affections. The rain is getting to me and it's not good. I hate when I retreat to my hole and don't want to come out. I start to over analyze everything and produce nothing. If I want change I have to bring it out myself.....yet the energy is not there. It was funny because I was reading some emails I wrote around September. I don't know that person right now. They were so happy and upbeat. I seemed so hopeful and I believed I found some of the answers to life's mysteries. Now I don't know because I am such a paranoid freak.
I wish I could be back in those happy times where I wasn't breaking out over stress, dreading going to work, and not sleeping alone. Maybe I am being punished for something except I thought that I already finished my penance. I have got to get out of this funk, I need a plan.....my brain is just way to cloudy to make one right now. There are just so many unresolved issues right now in so many different areas. I have this huge homework project that is life and I am procrastinating. Maybe I am just afraid.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Day 22 (Get Out of My Dreams You Whore)
I love to sleep. It is actually one of my favorite hobbies. I could sleep for months like a Disney Princess. When I sleep I have my pup snuggled next to me and my dreams are an escape from reality. 99% of the time my dreams a pleasant. I don't have that many nightmares nor do I dream about people I have issues with. They don't exist in my perfect sleepland. But, last night my dream got hijacked.
It started out really pleasant like....I was in a mall. A local mall called Rogers Plaza. But it was not the dump it is today, it was Rogers Plaza circa 1986. I was walking around on my own (at my current age not 1986 age). I was happy and looking around. Then at one end of the mall near good old Montgomery Wards there was a glass enclosure filled with birds. Not sparrows or red jays....just tropical flyers of all colors and sizes. Then suddenly a single little flyer came up to my feet, her wings clipped so she couldn't fly. She was a baby peach faced lovebird just like the one I had as a kid. A little baby parfait!
I knew she was meant to be mine so I scoped her up and started loving her. I am not sure how long I had her in my dream but at some point Tom's mom made an appearance. Tom's mom hates me and would go out of her way to make me unhappy. She took my bird away and said I wasn't allowed to have it. I was so pissed why was this bitch in my dream!? I could have punched a baby. She took my bird to an old redneck house on the westside that looked like the one belonging to the bird lady with the wolves that lives by my grandma. That house is not really on the westside but in my dream it was relocated.
She had many birds in old boring looking cages. They all looked so sad. My little lovebird cried out to me to help her. I screamed at Tom's mom that she couldn't take her. That the westside was full of alley cats who would eat her. But she didn't care she smiled as she handed my bird to that lady and I woke up crying. I real life I loved that bird to pieces and I had her for eighteen years. I love when she visits me in my dreams, how could this woman invade my sleep and destroy happy thoughts. That bird was mine and had nothing to do with her. In fact I don't even think she knew that I ever had parfait. It was a terrible nightmare and if that whore invades my dreams again I'm calling Freddie and they are going to have to change the name of the movie to nightmare on heron street!
It started out really pleasant like....I was in a mall. A local mall called Rogers Plaza. But it was not the dump it is today, it was Rogers Plaza circa 1986. I was walking around on my own (at my current age not 1986 age). I was happy and looking around. Then at one end of the mall near good old Montgomery Wards there was a glass enclosure filled with birds. Not sparrows or red jays....just tropical flyers of all colors and sizes. Then suddenly a single little flyer came up to my feet, her wings clipped so she couldn't fly. She was a baby peach faced lovebird just like the one I had as a kid. A little baby parfait!
I knew she was meant to be mine so I scoped her up and started loving her. I am not sure how long I had her in my dream but at some point Tom's mom made an appearance. Tom's mom hates me and would go out of her way to make me unhappy. She took my bird away and said I wasn't allowed to have it. I was so pissed why was this bitch in my dream!? I could have punched a baby. She took my bird to an old redneck house on the westside that looked like the one belonging to the bird lady with the wolves that lives by my grandma. That house is not really on the westside but in my dream it was relocated.
She had many birds in old boring looking cages. They all looked so sad. My little lovebird cried out to me to help her. I screamed at Tom's mom that she couldn't take her. That the westside was full of alley cats who would eat her. But she didn't care she smiled as she handed my bird to that lady and I woke up crying. I real life I loved that bird to pieces and I had her for eighteen years. I love when she visits me in my dreams, how could this woman invade my sleep and destroy happy thoughts. That bird was mine and had nothing to do with her. In fact I don't even think she knew that I ever had parfait. It was a terrible nightmare and if that whore invades my dreams again I'm calling Freddie and they are going to have to change the name of the movie to nightmare on heron street!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Day 21 (I didn't die of the black death)
I am not a quitter I am just sometimes a little spaced out. I was on a mental vacation for the last month, I say vacation because I am not sure where my mind was. It was like five weeks I don't remember a second of because that is what happens when I get broken down. My mind and body go all zombiebot so I am able to cope and get through each day. So on the bright side I am not crying myself to sleep at night or having nightmares about terrible monsters who are eating my belly. Yes that is a long time story and has been a life long nightmare, but another time my friends. However there is a negative and that is that I don't so anything that would live up to the standards set by my sane stable self.
I started thinking tonight I haven't been able to compose a sentence for my blog how in the hell was I doing my homework! Holy balls batman I am going to have to step it up for the next six weeks and thank the Gods that spring break is next week so I can turn things around. It's shocking I am sure to most of you. Finally after so many years of hard work I am almost at my goal and I am going to graduate from my dream school. You see ever since I can remember I wanted to go to a certain big ten school, be in a sorority, be a college cheerleader, meet some fellow dinosaur loving artsy type like me, and graduate from University of Illinois together. Unfortunate for me my life is never on a straight road and the younger I was the easier it was to be off track. So I threw that dream away for keggers and mall jobs. Here I was getting my second chance and the opportunity for one of those lost dreams to come true...I am going to be Illinois alumni! As long as I snap out of it and get back to the program.
It makes me feel a little sick to realize I let it get this way again. I was riding on a high for a while my momentum helped me reach some of my goals. But man did I get shot down like bird hit by a bee bee gun. All because of one single person Tom. So you might think I am the biggest idiot in the world for saying this or even feeling it, but it's real and it's my reality. I love Tom and it breaks my heart to know he is such a sick person. Even though he portrays his life to be perfect and his mind to be normal. Even though if you know Tom and you know me he may have even convinced you that I was the lunatic. I really don't hate him and I forgive him for breaking me down. It has made me stronger and it has taught me the range of emotions a human being is capable of having. I would be the first person to help him up when he falls. But it's because when you really love some one the bullshit doesn't matter. That kind of love just doesn't disappear. If you want to know what I was dealing with well if you have seen Charlie Sheen lately.....you just got a peek into what I was living with since thanksgiving.
All that momentum got sucked right out of me and I started falling back towards the ground. I was beat up on the inside and started to question my life. Was I a loser? Here I am almost thirty, still in school, working at some stupid job that I hate, spending most nights hanging out with my TV, feeling unattractive, and dealing with this dutch warlock.....winning! My soul is still today a little tormented. So I was thinking maybe I was one of those people who wasn't going to realize their dreams. Maybe I should just stop thinking that I could have a nice life. I totally fucked up. It takes a special person to love and be in a relationship with someone who is sick like Tom. The first rule is you have to learn to separate yourself from their sick self. If not you will be contaminated. It is better to love from a distance when they start to get ill.
If not it's open season and you are the closest easiest target for the rage. I should have just walked away for a while. I don't think I was ready for a breakdown so soon. I wasn't practicing my emergency plan early enough. But now I know and I can only say I hope he gets out of this relapse soon; not for me, or us, but for him. No not so he comes running back to me so we can live happily ever after. Because it would make me sick to watch him throw his life away. It's so sad what has been happening in both our lives lately I shed tears thinking about it. But, I can't let go of those things that I have worked so hard for and the dreams I have coming true right now. They say if you give positive to the universe it gives it back. It is so true and so easy to forget. I am at such a turning point in life now the decisions I make today effect my entire tomorrow. Being happy with me is what makes me whole and I know that. Working hard for me and my Frenchie. While I may be growing older (hello first dermatologist appointment this coming Monday) I am wiser. Life has many more downs then ups and love isn't always a fairytale. You really have to take things as they come. There is no point in dwelling because it will only keep you in the dark. The dark is a scary place! I'm not hoping for tomorrow I am manifesting it. I don't care about what anyone else thinks or sees because it doesn't matter. I learn my own lessons, I make my own way, and I create my own dreams.
I started thinking tonight I haven't been able to compose a sentence for my blog how in the hell was I doing my homework! Holy balls batman I am going to have to step it up for the next six weeks and thank the Gods that spring break is next week so I can turn things around. It's shocking I am sure to most of you. Finally after so many years of hard work I am almost at my goal and I am going to graduate from my dream school. You see ever since I can remember I wanted to go to a certain big ten school, be in a sorority, be a college cheerleader, meet some fellow dinosaur loving artsy type like me, and graduate from University of Illinois together. Unfortunate for me my life is never on a straight road and the younger I was the easier it was to be off track. So I threw that dream away for keggers and mall jobs. Here I was getting my second chance and the opportunity for one of those lost dreams to come true...I am going to be Illinois alumni! As long as I snap out of it and get back to the program.
It makes me feel a little sick to realize I let it get this way again. I was riding on a high for a while my momentum helped me reach some of my goals. But man did I get shot down like bird hit by a bee bee gun. All because of one single person Tom. So you might think I am the biggest idiot in the world for saying this or even feeling it, but it's real and it's my reality. I love Tom and it breaks my heart to know he is such a sick person. Even though he portrays his life to be perfect and his mind to be normal. Even though if you know Tom and you know me he may have even convinced you that I was the lunatic. I really don't hate him and I forgive him for breaking me down. It has made me stronger and it has taught me the range of emotions a human being is capable of having. I would be the first person to help him up when he falls. But it's because when you really love some one the bullshit doesn't matter. That kind of love just doesn't disappear. If you want to know what I was dealing with well if you have seen Charlie Sheen lately.....you just got a peek into what I was living with since thanksgiving.
All that momentum got sucked right out of me and I started falling back towards the ground. I was beat up on the inside and started to question my life. Was I a loser? Here I am almost thirty, still in school, working at some stupid job that I hate, spending most nights hanging out with my TV, feeling unattractive, and dealing with this dutch warlock.....winning! My soul is still today a little tormented. So I was thinking maybe I was one of those people who wasn't going to realize their dreams. Maybe I should just stop thinking that I could have a nice life. I totally fucked up. It takes a special person to love and be in a relationship with someone who is sick like Tom. The first rule is you have to learn to separate yourself from their sick self. If not you will be contaminated. It is better to love from a distance when they start to get ill.
If not it's open season and you are the closest easiest target for the rage. I should have just walked away for a while. I don't think I was ready for a breakdown so soon. I wasn't practicing my emergency plan early enough. But now I know and I can only say I hope he gets out of this relapse soon; not for me, or us, but for him. No not so he comes running back to me so we can live happily ever after. Because it would make me sick to watch him throw his life away. It's so sad what has been happening in both our lives lately I shed tears thinking about it. But, I can't let go of those things that I have worked so hard for and the dreams I have coming true right now. They say if you give positive to the universe it gives it back. It is so true and so easy to forget. I am at such a turning point in life now the decisions I make today effect my entire tomorrow. Being happy with me is what makes me whole and I know that. Working hard for me and my Frenchie. While I may be growing older (hello first dermatologist appointment this coming Monday) I am wiser. Life has many more downs then ups and love isn't always a fairytale. You really have to take things as they come. There is no point in dwelling because it will only keep you in the dark. The dark is a scary place! I'm not hoping for tomorrow I am manifesting it. I don't care about what anyone else thinks or sees because it doesn't matter. I learn my own lessons, I make my own way, and I create my own dreams.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Day 20 (Happy Chinese New Year)
Okay so I might be a little late the Chinese New Year started a couple days ago. I am ready to make a wish. But before I do that I should be make sure to say thank you for some of my past wishes that have come true.....
In my life I have been on the best most fun first date ever.
I have the most adorable puppy anyone could ask for.
I have loved someone with my heart and soul.
I have made some very loyal friends.
I have learned to just live.
I have a had an amazing kick your leg back kiss.
So this year I have one wish but it is a very big one.
I wish for complete and utter happiness....because what would that be like!
In my life I have been on the best most fun first date ever.
I have the most adorable puppy anyone could ask for.
I have loved someone with my heart and soul.
I have made some very loyal friends.
I have learned to just live.
I have a had an amazing kick your leg back kiss.
So this year I have one wish but it is a very big one.
I wish for complete and utter happiness....because what would that be like!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Day 19 (SOS This Boat is Sinking)
I got a text today.....the last line I don't want any contact from you. Tom always has to have the last word. At 11:00pm in the middle of a blizzard my life gets crushed by one little sentence in one stupid text. Tom is a coward to this very moment I don't know what happened. I don't know how he changed over night. Tom's one parasite (recovering alcoholic) meet two new parasite friends (gambling addict and emotional abuser). Together they grew into one super parasite. While all that was going on I sat here playing the role of the fool. So many empty promises that I looked so forward to are shattered.
This pestilence is affecting my entire life and my health. I am so thin that my eyes look sunken into my face. My brain feels like it is bleeding from all the headaches. There is only so much one person can take before it all falls apart. What I have been going through the past two months I can only describe with one word and that is evil. One person should never make another person feel the way I do with no disregard. Especially a person who only days before they cared so much about.
Tom had no reason to stir up my emotions tonight, except maybe he had a bad day. Perhaps he lost at cards or he decided to take a drink. Either way he who has been on a sabbatical wanted to make sure he dug his knife in deep tonight. Everyone can say it, I'm an idiot. They all told me so that he would just relapse into his old terrible self. I hate that I believe in love and that everything happens for a reason. Because if I didn't I would have never forgiven him, I would have kept on with my life. Living it 150% for me.
I wish I could say that Tom is dead to me. Right now I want to take every single gift I have ever given him away and burn it right before his eyes. But I also want to pray for him, why does he have to be sick? I'm even stupid to think what if he can turn into the man I deserve later? But that is what love does to us it blinds us. I'm not codependent I just believe in what my heart tells me to do and maybe I need to listen to my head more often. I just really need to pull it together and fuck I may even need to get on some xanax. Better yet take a vacation.
This pestilence is affecting my entire life and my health. I am so thin that my eyes look sunken into my face. My brain feels like it is bleeding from all the headaches. There is only so much one person can take before it all falls apart. What I have been going through the past two months I can only describe with one word and that is evil. One person should never make another person feel the way I do with no disregard. Especially a person who only days before they cared so much about.
Tom had no reason to stir up my emotions tonight, except maybe he had a bad day. Perhaps he lost at cards or he decided to take a drink. Either way he who has been on a sabbatical wanted to make sure he dug his knife in deep tonight. Everyone can say it, I'm an idiot. They all told me so that he would just relapse into his old terrible self. I hate that I believe in love and that everything happens for a reason. Because if I didn't I would have never forgiven him, I would have kept on with my life. Living it 150% for me.
I wish I could say that Tom is dead to me. Right now I want to take every single gift I have ever given him away and burn it right before his eyes. But I also want to pray for him, why does he have to be sick? I'm even stupid to think what if he can turn into the man I deserve later? But that is what love does to us it blinds us. I'm not codependent I just believe in what my heart tells me to do and maybe I need to listen to my head more often. I just really need to pull it together and fuck I may even need to get on some xanax. Better yet take a vacation.
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