To Grinch Or Not To Grinch That Is The Question

The holidays come but once a year and traditionally it is a time to give thanks.  It is a time to celebrate and share with those you love.  But, when you are single it can be a reminder of how alone you are during the most wonderful time of the year.  That reminder can initiate one of two emotions.  The first being joy that you don't have to deal with someone else's family, that you will save money on gifts, and that you don't have to worry about getting into any arguments about the holidays.  The second emotion it can bring up is one of sadness and depression.  When you don't have kids there aren't as many gifts under the tree, there is no one to snuggle up with during the first winter blizzard, and no one to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve.

It just hit me today that I am going to be alone this holiday season and I started thinking about which one of those options I am going to embrace?  Last year during the holidays I wasn't alone but I wasn't happy....I was in love but afraid that love was slipping away from me.  My relationship with Tom had fallen into a very dark place and I really couldn't handle it.  It's a blur to me of arguments, followed by tears, followed making up, and then a few days later it would all repeat itself.  But, I don't blame the holidays for that onset of madness it just happened and it could have happened at anytime of the year.  Yet through it all I didn't let all that bad suck up the good.  I had worked really hard to let go of my old Grinch ways.  We still put up a tree, wrapped gifts, and hung our stockings with care.

There were two things that triggered me letting go of my Grinch ways love and the fact that Tom would get so damn excited about all the gifts under the tree.  It was like watching an over grown six year old opening a hot toy when he would start unwrapping.  It made the holidays fun and for me they hadn't been for a really long time.   I lost my brother a few years ago so that just makes the Holidays not what they were when I was a kid. Tom filled that void of what I felt I was missing. So out I would go to black Friday shopping, I would get excited about my new Hallmark decorations, and bake cookies whenever possible.  I was ecstatic to spend New Years at home on the couch snuggled up with my fur baby and my boyfriend. 

So fast forward to this season and my struggle with my inner Grinch.  As of right now I feel melancholy.  I still plan on putting up the tree and hanging my new ornaments because I like to decorate.  But, I'm not that excited about not really having anyone to buy gifts for besides a couple family members.  Sure it will save me money and I could buy stuff for myself; that's just not as fun as when someone else gives you a gift.  It is exciting that I am close to a new year coming which will put an end to a terrible one.  It's depressing to think I have no one to share the excitement of that new year with me.  It's not that I need a boyfriend to be happy during this time of year; I think it's just that it's a shift from what I was getting used to again that is throwing me off.

I don't want to spend the holidays as a Grinch.  There is a lot to be thankful for and there are people who love me.  It's just getting over the hump and not letting the loss of fond memories affect my demeanor.  The reality is sometimes we are alone and it isn't easy.  We just have to remember that we have to celebrate ourselves at that point.  It's a time to get in touch with who we are and who we want to become.  There are a myriad of new adventures waiting for us around the bend.  I just know that big changes are on the horizon and slowly but surely I will get everything I am wishing for......that alone will help me stop my heart from growing back to two sizes to small.