Wow I must be the most screwed up person in the world. Tom only had to reinforce what my shrink has already told me. My coping mechanism are all backwards. You see some people spend money, some people drink, and some people do drugs. There are some people that even become suicidal. What I do is almost worse then any of those things; I tell lies. Depending on how crazy my life gets those lies can be at the same level as Pinocchio at his most unflattering moments. I did two things today. First I went to a parasite support group. The reason I attended is because I had to figure out what Tom did that triggered my lying to him. I know what my family does to me that gets me going, they nag on me about the way I spend my money. The way I live my life. What triggers my lying to Tom is his parasite. The funny part about that is Tom told me the secret to killing it today.
To kill the parasite you have to put it in it's place. It's that easy. But I don't do that; I walk on egg shells till I drive myself crazy because I don't want to push Tom away. The egg shells start to hurt and then the word vomit starts. I start telling stories about small things like turkey's living in hollow trees. But then the lies go out of control. Let me tell you if I said I stole the constitution I would make sure to prove it. Then it upsets Tom and fuels his parasite and I'm sitting there like an idiot. Like gee Rockey why don't you trust me?
What is screwed up even more so about what I do, especially in the case of Tom, there are life altering situations that he would never co-sign for me on. Tom may never believe me that I carried his son for eighteen weeks because my mental instabilities have made me lose my creditability. Who can trust Pinocchio? I feel like a goblin. People let them hang around cause of their magical powers but really who wants to love a goblin....they can't be trusted.
My shrink and I just discussed yesterday how my lying is not the best coping device for me to be using. He told me I had to man up to my lies and I had to apologize to the people I have lied to. That once I feel like an ass for the way I acted I would be more apt to correct that behavior. Since Tom and had this as our hot topic of discussion tonight I decided to start with him. I sent the longest email I have ever written. I said I was sorry for everything. If he forgives me it might help him with his parasite issue. If not the parasite keeps winning. Tom wants time and space to grow into a better more rounded human being. Maybe I need the same thing. But in agreement with my shrink I have to right my wrongs of the past to be able to look forward.
He also told me another secret; that my will is great and one of life's mysteries. That I willed him back into my life and so it happened. The problem was I didn't will for our problems to disappear so I didn't will things right. But whatever I will he knows some how happens. That made me feel empowered to know that my life is going to turn out exactly as I want it. That no one person will stop me from having anything I want. But I have to do something about the ick. Or what ever I will is going to end up tainted. On that note I am committed to me to clearing out the ick. To kill off Pinocchio just as Tom is in the final countdown with the parasite.
Will I ever go back to the parasite support group? I am not sure. Tom says, "if I'm not around why do you need a support group." Ding and the parasite scores. I felt like it was a little too religious for my liking. But I will keep going back to my shrink and I will keep handing out my apology cards. I'm going to shed that crazy person that lurks inside me....I think she lives in my intestines cause ewww what else but shit could live in there?
Besides the lies the only other thing I need to fix in my life is how I feel about my miscarriage. I was three years ago now. I don't think half the people in my life even knew about it. I pushed Tom out from being involved and I thought I was doing the right thing. I wanted him to get involved later and it was too late. The baby was lost my stress overwhelmed my little body. For the last three years he doesn't completely believe I was ever going to give him his son. Why because I have gone through such extremes to tell lies about bullshit. Cause instead of poppin a xanax I gotta discover a new species of dingos.
The feeling of loss hasn't really affected me till this year. I don't know if Tom triggered it or if I finally couldn't live in denial anymore. But what is eating me alive is the fact that I am dealing with the loss all by my self. Tom will have nothing to do with it. Even after presenting documents he doesn't believe me. I have offered to take him to the doctor and he won't go. Even if it isn't supposed to work out with me and Tom I don't think it's fair. Why do I have to carry this burden all alone? Is God punishing me for my lying to cope with reality? I am frustrated that I am trying to make things right, my lies, my short comings, but the one thing I really want to fix feels so impossible. I wish I had a xanax now. I want to be numb I want to go back to my happy place with out having to make up some elaborate story to be there. If I wasn't a little liar, a little scam artist, I would be in one of my constructive happy places; snuggled up in my blanket, laying in Tom's lap, hugging my puppy Frenchie, and him petting my hair, smelling me making memories.
