Maybe I became such a believer because love was the only fantasy that I knew could become a reality. After all it was our Divine purpose on Earth to find this special person who was the other piece of our puzzle. Then one day out of a circumstance that wasn't very romantic I found myself involved with a person who in no way, shape, or form fit the definition I had created in my mind of the one. But, I had faith in fate and I knew it was all happening for a reason. After all love isn't always easy. God gives us challenges to prove ourselves worthy. A little time passed and one day I woke up. My situation was not ideal but this man who I never thought could steal my heart had and I knew I was a goner. I was more so in love and it was not like anything I had ever felt before.
Unfortunately for me, as sometimes happens, the challenges presented proved to be too much. With in the blink of an eye it was over and I didn't know what to do. I had never felt a broken heart like that before and I was sad for a long time. But I still had faith in love and like Charlotte I knew this was just a small part of a bigger and more beautiful picture. So I kept hope, I put myself out there, I said my affirmations, and I prayed. But no one I met made me feel that way and I knew not to linger by keeping up contact with them. I didn't let them in because there was no point in being intimate. Winter faded and as the flowers of spring began to bloom again....suddenly my hopes and prayers turned to reality. He was back, he loved me, this was the working of fate. Nothing could stand in the way of real love. The feelings of walking on air came back over night and although not perfect or what I expected I thought this is what destiny has chosen for me so it must be good.
I preached to the world you have to believe. Love conquers all and if you believe in it then it will always have your back. Until it fell apart again. Obviously my blog is proof that it has been difficult. I was a person who believed so hard that I couldn't believe anything could destroy what I had. I felt abandoned, desperate, and as if a piece of me was missing. I was physically, mentally, emotionally sick and exhausted. How could fate do such a terrible number on me? I couldn't understand what was happening or what I was doing. Finally I shut down, embarrassed for believing in love, embarrassed for feeling fooled, and embarrassed for the things I had done in my plight to save us. I wasn't like Charlotte anymore and I thought love is bullshit.
I was over it all. It was all nothing but children's fairy tales and each time I seen a happy couple I would laugh. Instead of my normal cheerleading I was the one who would remind them love doesn't make the world go around. Like Charlotte after her Harry left her, after she tried so hard, I didn't care about love anymore. For whatever reason the stars had decided that I wasn't deserving so why keep hope in something that isn't going to happen? I was bitter, full of anger, full of hate and some towards him; the rest toward myself. I couldn't stop going over the why's and the how's in my head. It didn't help that the words being exchanged were more hurtful then anything I had ever said to my worst enemy. I couldn't shrug this feeling of sadness and missing. I never wanted to feel that again and I figured I must be too damaged for love; so I closed up shop on my heart.
A couple of months ago I found myself feeling sad and I asked for some kind of sign to make me believe again. This wasn't in my character and it wasn't who I was. Almost over night the signs started coming. Little by little I started to have hope again and then I started praying again. If I gave up on fate then fate would give up on me. I had to believe in order to receive. Everything does happen for a reason and we can't expect to understand the big picture when it is still not done being painted. Sometimes big parts of the picture are filled in. Other times like now a flower will get added here and there to give a clue a bigger piece will be painted in soon. Out of darkness comes light. Like Charlotte each day I start to believe a little more again that love conquers all. My happy ending is coming soon; it just has a bit of a rain delay right now.
