The shit I carry in me is a lethal combination of family dramas, believing in a man who deep done inside doesn't believe in himself, and the loss of a brother as well as a child. I held on to the shit because I don't fully understand the way it makes me feel. Family is necessary because they are the people who care for you most but I hate that their self destructive ways pour over into my life. Love is our purpose on Earth. To fall in love with a man who you know is good but refuses to fully evolve into his true self; a side maybe you have only seen it hurts your heart and fills a person with frustration. Loss is the most complicated because I really believe with my brother his time on Earth was done and he is in a better place. Yet it doesn't seem fair. Loss of a child I never met is the strangest struggle and one I don't understand at all. I am not a kid person and everything does happen for a reason. But sometimes the loss pains me, I feel guilt, and I feel empty that I think that I carry that burden alone.
All of those things caught up with me last year. The situation with Tom was the straw that broke the camels back. I blacked out and I honestly sometimes try to remember the things that I did but I can only think of maybe two. I have a feeling there were a lot more. I wasn't myself and maybe at times when all the chaos was happening my true self was in a coma. I just couldn't handle all the curve balls and the awful things that life was throwing at me anymore. Was I to be denied everything including love? There were days of no rest, of paranoia, of sadness, of rage, and even ones where I felt like I was staring at a blank wall all day. Towards the end of the year I started to balance out....there was less and less shit to be released. It was all out in the open and I felt like a crazy person.
It was a cycle in my life I had to go through and it's over now. I am coming out of it thinking much more clearly. There are things I still struggle with and some days I have to take a deep breath to just relax for a moment. I am a more mature person now and I believe in the power of life; the universe. Everything does happen for a reason and eventually when you are ready the pieces all fall into place. There are things that happened last year that I will never allow to happen again and lessons I learned to better handle situations. I learned with family it's better to just stay out of it. It's also better to not worry so much about pleasing them and more about what makes me happy. The same goes for friends. It's my life and I will do with it what I see fit. When it came to love and Tom as soon as I seen he was still struggling with himself I should have said, "take some time because I need you to be 100% because I don't want only 50% of you." I should have released him before it got toxic again. If it's meant to be with some one it will work out. Maybe his sabbatical would have ended in a month, maybe he would still be on it, maybe I would have met someone new. There's no telling......but soul mate decisions aren't meant to be ours; the universe will work that all out for us. What is to be will be. It is all predestined. Loss is going to be the most complicated to deal with and the best I can understand so far is if I feel like crying I need to cry and if I need to talk I should talk.
So I am starting 2012 with no expectations except that things are going to get better. The puzzle pieces are going to slowly start fitting together. It's going to happen for me. It being that next stage of my life. I am more confident in me, a human becoming, a person who makes mistakes, sometimes very big mistakes, a person who believes that dreams come true. I am have forgiven my past and those who hurt me in it. I can hope those people start letting go as well because shit is not fun to carry around. I refuse to give up on love and I'll keep climbing the ladder. I know that I have a lot of value and worth as a partner but I cannot make someone value me until they do the same with themselves. I know which direction to choose at the fork in the road and I am excited to do it. There will still be hard days, nothing will happen over night.....but I have hope and faith. It is all going to turn out just fine. The old cycle has ended and a new one is only just beginning.
