I have been neglecting my blog....it's been a combo of school starting and just being crazy; as well as a moderate depression. I have just been going back and fourth crying about how in the world my love life turned out to be so ass backwards. First of all thinking back I was never that girl who wanted someone average. Ever since I can remember I bragged about how some day I would end up like one of those ladies on real housewives....just living the dream. I have for the majority of my life been attractive and smart. I have always drawn the attentions of men. But why Tom? Why is he the one who has enslaved my heart?
Tom is neither rich nor is he brave. He is not the smartest man he is just average. His looks are not striking in fact his body is much older then he is. Although at times he showers me with beautiful gifts he is not romantic. He is nothing that I ever dreamed of, but yet I love him? I often times lately find myself looking in the mirror for imperfections. Trying to figure out what is wrong with me and what this man sees when he looks at me. Tom makes it sound like when he sees me I resemble a monster.
I am sure anyone reading this would say what would I want with such an asshole. This is a man who emotionally abuses you and you can do better. Well I have asked myself those very same questions. It's not like I am in love with his splendors because he is just ordinary....his bank account is not extravagant. I gave up love letters in French for someone who's idea of fine literature is written by Hugh Hefner. I wish I had the answers to all of it but I don't. But, I guess I am being a little one sided because there are two sides to Tom. The side that I am so in love with, head over heels is the one that just loves me. The real me. The one with no make up, the one who is childish, the one who is hidden from the public eye. I wish he could be around all the time, but he is not.
I guess I am a little foolish because I believe that Tom is going to win the battle against his demons. That then I will win and even though I won't have a million dollar house or drive a Bentley I will be able to just relax and stop acting. Life is so unfair that my dreams and reality are quite the opposite. I am tired of feeling so damaged and I am exhausted from waiting for the good times to start with out interruption. Tom just needs to snap out of it. For now I am blaming him because I just feel like I can't let go. Why on Earth did God give me such a man....he should have just left me with the thinker.
